Survivor recap: Stinking Up The Joint
One tribe member passes gas, but fails when it comes to the immunity challenge
“Alicia, there’s no girl power going on right now. No young women at home going ‘Oh, go women’s tribe!’” — Jeff Probst
Now, see, that’s simply not fair. I think there are plenty of people at home — young women and men alike — rooting for the women’s tribe on this season of Survivor. Jeff Probst is clearly out of touch with the viewing public. In fact, I have pinpointed a few different groups that I believe all parties can agree are at this juncture firmly in the corner of the women’s team. Such as…
1. People Who Don’t Follow Directions And Thereby Sabotage Their Own Team In Competitions
I guess jumping into the water twice unnecessarily is a good strategy…if your strategy is to piss everyone off. For viewers who likewise enjoy not listening to directions and, as a result, enraging their teammates, it’s hard not to fall in love with Kat and the women’s tribe. In fact, I dare say they are smitten.
2. People Who Only Do Things In Which Success is Guaranteed
Why challenge yourself or attempt to better yourself in any way when you can simply coast at absurdly easy tasks for the rest of your life? Some may say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but what if it does kill you? Or even worse, what if you, like, break a nail or something? Kat’s theory of avoiding anything in life in which she might be remotely challenged makes her a goddess to those who embrace the path of least resistance.
3. People That Have Boob Jobs or Enjoy Trying to Squeeze By People With Boob Jobs in a Tight Space
This one’s self explanatory, really.
4. People Who Walk Up To Other People And Fart on Them
I’m not exactly sure how big a movement there is of people who enjoy walking up to and then farting on other people. I mean, personally, it’s never happened to me, and I hang out with some pretty unsavory characters. But if Kat is going to walk up to someone she has only known for five days and gleefully blast her stank right on her — with a camera crew standing there, no less! — it stands to reason that there may be others out there that would likewise exhibit and appreciate such supremely sexy behavior. Maybe they are even mobilized and have a catchy name like Fart Alliance or Gas Passers United. Perhaps they are trying to make Person-on-Person Emissions the new idiotic sensation to sweep the nation a la Icing or Planking. I have no idea! But we now know which team they are tooting…I mean, rooting for.
5. People Who Publicly Commend Themselves For Not Calling Someone Out (Thereby Blatantly Calling The Person Out)
“I’m not calling Christina out,” said Kat at Tribal Council. Ha! Just did! Brilliant! Kat may not have a lot of “life experience” but she seemingly has plenty of experience in oh-so-subtle passive-aggressive bitchiness. For viewers who love the blame game and can’t get enough of watching someone pretending to be nice while in actuality being far from it, Team Salani is the only way to go.
So there you have it! Clearly the ladies have made millions…okay, dozens of fans from these very specific special interest groups. Otherwise? Not so much. And while I almost made like Kat and decided just to bag writing this week’s recap because it seemed so gosh darn difficult, I suppose at this point we may as well just take it from the top.
NEXT: Has anyone seen Jeff Probst?
The women return to camp from their brutal Tribal Council to find Mike, who says he took care of their fire for them while they were gone. This annoys Kat for reasons I still don’t completely understand, but her annoyance with Mike is soon overshadowed by her annoyance with a bug that interrupts her interview session. If only she could find a way to fart on it.
Upset by her confrontation at Tribal, Christina tries to act like an adult and clear the air with Alicia. Alicia, in a bold attempt to usurp NaOnka’s title of World’s Most Horrifying Teacher, listens to Christina’s reconciliation attempt and tells us that “Please. If I saw her swimming in the ocean and she was drowning I’d probably look the other way.” (Hear that, kids? She said “please”! There’s your manners lesson of the day.) Sabrina — a teacher on Survivor that doesn’t actually make me fear for the lives of children everywhere — realizes her team is fractured and calls a meeting. Chelsea says they need a tribe leader and nominates Sabrina. After agreeing, Sabrina begins her reign of sanity by dividing up the chores — giving Alicia and Kat the duty of searching for food, while also surveying the land. And how does Kat respond to her newly elected leader tasked with eliminating the infighting that has plagued the women since day one? “I don’t want to observe the land,” she whines. “I want to go get stuff.” And by “getting stuff” she actually means wading in the water with Alicia while other people do their work.
Oooooh, it’s time for another twist — the old Do It Yourself Challenge. Inspired by a similar stunt in Survivor: Samoa, the tribes receive several large crates with the makings for a challenge to take place right there on their beach. Unfortunately, one of the crates does not contain host Jeff Probst, so instead of “Come on in, guys!” we are treated to stand-up comedian Bill Posely reading instructions in a British accent for reasons that remain somewhat unclear. (Personally, I was hoping he would break out one of the characters from his YouTube comedy reel — Drill Sgt. Bottomless or Broey Broinstien, perhaps.)
If any of you ever questioned the value of Probst to this program, you will question it no more after watching a challenge without his play by play. First off, this challenge of having to untie knots on a rope to release a ring was a poor one to run without a host, because there was simply no way to tell who was even in the lead until the entire thing was over. They just sort of sat there grabbing knots until finally one team was done and the other wasn’t. There was nobody there to walk the viewer through who was in front, who was behind, who was starring for each team, and who was holding the tribe back. As a result, this proves to be a pretty drama-free affair. Can’t say I was a fan of this experiment. Anyway, the men win a tarp.
After the Probstless challenge, the men get to work at their camp. Well, most of them at least. Colton just sort of walks around by himself while the rest of the men discuss him. Mike reveals to us that he knows about Colton having the idol, while Jonas somehow has got it in his head that Colton is some sort of mastermind. “He’s making Russell look like a little schoolgirl!” Jonas claims, searing into my brain an image that is both very disturbing and impossible to shed.
NEXT: Kat makes like a Van Halen song and jumps — twice!
At least Colton can go over to the girls. They love Colton, right? Sabrina: “Colton is like a virus. There seems to be not a cure for him just yet.” Or, maybe not. (And that’s from the girl who gave him the idol!) It seems the ladies have tired of Colton following their every move. They kick him out of their camp…and then he returns anyway, begging to stay with them. The women are wary of allowing someone from the other team to hear everything going on in their tribe so they shoo him off once again. Next thing he knows, Colton has Tarzan thrusting his junk in his face while he dances around the campfire with his makeshift spear. Apparently, Colton considers this a bonding moment and in return shows his hidden immunity idol to the rest of his new misfit alliance (Jonas, Leif, Tarzan & Troyzan). This leads to more unfounded praise from Jonas, who calls Country Club Colton “ridiculously smart.” Triple C couldn’t agree more, informing us that, “This is my world. They should just call this Survivor: Colton’s World.” (Either that or Survivor: We’re Really Hoping This Cast Won’t Be As Unlikeable As Fiji and Nicaragua.)
Immunity challenge time. While the DIY rope challenge was a bit of a debacle in the drama department, this shows how simplicity is not always a bad thing. The tribes are forced to line up on a narrow balance beam over water with one member at a time moving around the other tribemates. Pretty basic, and also pretty much guaranteed that people will be fondling each other awkwardly and crashing into the water. You know, the good stuff. Seeing as how the ladies are smaller (except, of course, for Leif) and always dominate in balance competitions, I figured they had this one in the bag. But I did not take two things into account: The women’s heaving bosoms (both fake and au natural) and Kat’s insistence on pretending she was at a sorority kegger and jumping into the water repeatedly (“WOOOOOOOOOOOO! PAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAY!”) The men absolutely dominate, leading Colton to bust out a cheerleader move mid-air and Chelsea to note, “It’s definitely the boobs are hard.” In more ways than one.
The end result is that we have another clash of the ages between young and old. “I’m sad,” says Monica. “I’m sad for women. This isn’t what women are. Frankly, I’m so embarrassed.” Nina is even more blunt: “Kat, you jumped in the water twice. You dumb blond. Twice! Quit being such a dumb broad.” Around this time, Kat decides to go and fart on Alicia (“WOOOOOOOOOOOO! FARTY PARTY, YA’LL!”), leading Chelsea and Kim to wonder whether they should break their day one alliance and vote off the stinkiest member of their tribe.
Although Chelsea and Kim’s last minute pow-wow feels like a red herring, Tribal Council ends up being a doozy anyway thanks to a brilliant display of Probstiness. Jeff is ready to deliver a wake-up call to the women, and he is unsparing in his assessment: “You’re off to one of the worst starts ever in this game because of the absolute and total dysfunction within this group.” Oh, but he’s just getting started. “It’s almost like I’m talking to sixth graders.” Ouch. But things are about to get even ouchier. After bragging about her 13 years as a police officer and all the pressure and adversity she has dealt with as a result of that profession, Nina point blank asks Kat what she brings to the group. Kat’s response is something along the lines of “I’m, like outdoors, and like, you know, sales and stuff and…um, I fart on people.”
NEXT: Another Salani bites the dust
Eventually, Chelsea and Sabrina admit they would redo their original alliance if they could go back in time, Probst tells the tribe they are basically embarrassing women everywhere, and Kat says she’s never failed at anything because she only does stuff she’s good at. Every single second of it is fabulous. The only thing that would have made it any better is if Colton had somehow showed up (“Hey, ya’ll. Sorry for intruding. You mind if I hang out here with you here instead? Those guys are such meanies. Not they have done anything mean to me at all, but I can just tell. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! After all, this is Colton’s World.”)
As expected, Nina is voted out and we are left with a tribe that does seem to have some intelligent women (Sabrina, Chelsea, Kim, Monica, Christina) being dragged down by a terrible twosome (Alicia, Kat). Can they rebound? I seriously hope so since my episode 1 pick to win it all (which I neglected to reveal last week) is on that team. I was vacillating between Kim and Chelsea, because they both seemed mild mannered and comfortable enough in the elements, and once Chelsea grabbed those two chickens with her bare hands, I was sold on her as my pick. But now that I see the women self-destructing and Chelsea in a preview for next week crying about how cold she is, I’m not feeling too great about it. Oh well, I’ve picked worse before and will pick worse again. My glory run of three straight correct picks (with Yul, Todd and Cirie — okay, technically Cirie didn’t win, but she would have had it been a final 3 as planned) is now far in the rear view mirror. Instead, I am reminded of Whoopsie! picks like Betsy Bolan. Betsy Bolan!!! So my apologies to Chelsea for jinxing her. And to myself for making what is looking to be a not-so-hot pick.
Looking for more Survivor stuff? Look no further. Jeff Probst talks all about his Tribal Council beatdown in our weekly Q&A. Plus, we have an exclusive deleted scene for you in the video player below. And for more Survivor scoop, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Now it’s your turn? Did the ladies make the right or wrong move keeping Kat? Are you loving or loathing Colton? What was your take on the Do It Yourself challenge? The message boards are open for business. I’ll be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!