Idiotic decisions are aplenty, as is discussion about Chelsea’s plastic surgery

By Dalton Ross
Updated February 27, 2015 at 11:49 PM EST
Robert Voets/CBS

Ouch. There goes poor Mike. Blindsided. Oh well. Guess I’ll go write my Survivor recap now. Let me just run to the fridge and grab a beer and we’ll be all set. Okay, opening the fridge now annnnnnnnd…WHAT?!? Where’s all my beer? And who has replaced my beloved Milwaukee’s Best with bottles of 7UP? What the hell? I’m not drinking that crap. I guess I’ll just sulk back to my living room and carry on without my beverage of choice. Okay, walking back to my living room now annnnnnd…WHAT?!? What the hell are you doing here?

Jeff Probst [sitting on couch]: “Come on in, guys!”

Dalton: “Ummm, there’s only one of me. And this is my living room, so yes, I think I will come in.”

Jeff Probst: “Feeling thirsty, Dalton?”

Dalton: “What? I don’t know. Maybe. That’s kind of a creepy question.”

Jeff Probst: “A little parched, perhaps? A tad dehydrated? A smidgeon cottonmouthed?”

Dalton: “How exactly did you get in here anyway?”

Jeff Probst: “You know what might help? A crisp, clean, refreshing 7UP. That’s right, 7UP — crisp and clean with no caffeine.”

Dalton: “Why are you talking like you’re trying to sell me something?”

Jeff Probst: “Be yourself. Be refreshing. Be 7UP.”

Dalton: “Wait, that doesn’t even make sense. Why would I want to be a carbonated beverage? That sounds like a horrible way to live.”

Jeff Probst: “You sure about that? Because I have an entire cooler filled with 7UP right here. It’s all for you. C’mon, Dalton — make 7UP yours.”

Dalton: “First off, STOP RECITING MARKETING SLOGANS! Besides, what happens if I don’t want the cooler?”

Jeff Probst: “Then I let Leif do a flip off it. He’ll jump off anything.”

Dalton: “I’m sorry, Jeff, but…” [phone rings] “Hold on one second.”

Jeff Probst: “Hey, no problem. Take the call. I’ll just relax here with my bottle of 7UP — it’s an Up thing.”

Dalton: “I said stop it!” [Answering phone] “Hello, Ross residence.”

Voice on phone: “7UP Retro, keepin’ it reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaal!”

Dalton: “Dee Snider? How did you get this number? And what’s with 7UP taking over all my favorite reality shows? First Celebrity Apprentice and now this? What’s next, going back in time to insert that disgusting beverage into Bands on the Run and Paradise Hotel?”

Dee Snider: [confused pause] “7UP Retro, keepin’ it reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaal!”

Dalton: “Is that all you can say? Fine.” [hangs up phone] “Jeff, you really have to get out of here too. I have to get started on the recap.”

Jeff Probst: “But don’t you want to know what you’re playing for?”

Dalton: “Yeah, yeah, 7UP. Got it, thanks. Don’t want it.”

Jeff Probst: “Then I got nothin’ for you. Head back to camp.”

Dalton: “THIS IS MY HOUSE!!!. Get the &%#* out of here, Probst!”

And he finally did, but only after showing me an array of Sprint smart phones and making me sit through a Gulliver’s Travels/Jack & Jill double feature. Now that that’s over, let’s recap this bastard!

It’s day 21 on the Tikiano tribe and Jay is worried about there actually not being a new Salani alliance. He tells Troyzan they need to get rid of a female next so that the men don’t go down one after the other, advice to which Troyzan will later pay no attention to whatsoever. “I don’t want to be overpowered by these girls,” says Jay. Well, then you should have thought about that before you voted off one of your men and gave them the majority! Whoops!

NEXT: Alicia and the Wedgie Slide of Doom

The gang then discovers Tree Mail in the form of a carbonated beverage bottle. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you want a sure fire guaranteed way to score yourself a little more screen time as a contestant, simply talk about how amazing whatever product placement is being awkwardly wedged into your episode. Coach is clearly the master at this, as he even found ways to wax euphoric over the comedy stylings of Adam Sandler in Jack & Jill with phony baloney praises that were more hilarious than the actual movie, although I suppose that bar was pretty low to begin with. See if you can guess which of the following was not an actual quote from last night’s show:

A.) “7UP, baby! You know how good that would taste right now? The Uncola! 7UP!” (Jay)

B.) “I’m gonna love that.” (Christina)

C.) “If I had a 7UP, I probably wouldn’t even breathe. It would just be down in one gulp.” (Sabrina)

D.) “Drinking 7UP is almost as fun and going and farting on people. Puzzles are hard.” (Kat)

Okay, so yes, D is not real. Or at least didn’t make it on the show. I have no reason not to assume a similar quote was not uttered by Kat at some point and simply didn’t make the final cut. Off to the reward challenge we go, and it is a doozy. The players are divided up into two teams by a schoolyard pick ‘em, and then have to go on their backs down an enormous waterslide, grab puzzle crates out of the water, and bring them back to solve a puzzle. “That looks like it’s gonna be a big wedgie,” comments Alicia upon seeing the slide, but the slide will have the last laugh with that woman.

Jay, Troyzan, Kat, Alicia, and Chelsea make up the green team while Michael, Kim, Sabrina, Leif, and Christina are the yellow team. Tarzan is not picked and will sit out. Many times they allow this odd person out to pick a team to root for, and if that team wins, they get to enjoy the reward as well. This is not one of those times.

Holy crap that slide looks like fun! I’ve never seen a slide that steep. In fact, it is so steep it causes Alicia to slide right off and land smack on her wedgie. (Good thing she’s got a bit of padding back there.) I am not too proud to admit I watched this moment five times in a row on playback. And then imagine my glee once I was done and discovered that the next contestant, Leif, had an even more glorious wipeout, landing on his butt and then flipping and rolling over five times. He rolled over so many times I thought he was making like the Dread Pirate Roberts and was about to yell out “As you wishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” en route to battling ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Size) in the Fire Swamp. The green team has the slight edge getting their final box back as Christina develops a sudden allergic reaction her team’s cargo, running away from it as fast as she can. Either that or she is doing an impersonation of Colton avoiding a black person. One of the two.

NEXT: Tarzan focuses on Chelsea’s boobs

However the yellow team wins in the end, leading Leif to do a 360 off the blocks and yell “We got barbeque!” over and over for anyone that wasn’t sure what the reward was. “Shut the f— up,” responds Chelsea under her breath. Considering this is the most we’ve heard from Leif all season — the quality of his confessional interviews are clearly of the Brett, Purple Kelly, and Rick variety — I just assume let him rant on and on so we can at least figure out what the dude sounds like, but whatevs.

Welcome to the 7UP Oasis, where the soda is plentiful, the meat is succulent, and the dwarfs will entertain you by flipping into swimming pools. The challenge winners tear into their grub, although notably absent is the regularly required subtle and savvy search for the hidden immunity idol clue that always accompanies such a feast. (Quick! Check under the spatula!) While futilely attempting to digest the pounds of meat now settling in their stomachs, Kim and Sabrina make it clear they want to keep the original women’s alliance intact, and that means voting out machete-stealing Mike next.

You know what? When you have a sponsor paying good money to infiltrate your episode, every product shot counts. Which is a way of explaining why when the victors return to camp, they are allowed to bring that big cooler of 7UP with them, filled with icy cold beverages. See, everyone’s a winner! At least when there is money to be made by selling soda during an episode. (By the way, you’d think Milwaukee’s Best would have sent me a cooler by now to help fuel these recaps. The cheap bastards.)

The bad news for the contestants is that a rain is coming. Time to build up the shelter, Mike says. Unfortunately, Tarzan insists on doing the opposite, removing bamboo to cut for firewood even though there is plenty of firewood already. This makes Chelsea mad. Although why would a woman be mad about a crazy old man in ill-fitting underwear dismantling their shelter right before a big tropical storm? That makes no sense, right? It must be something else…like, say, her perfectly shaped breasts? I mean, if there was ever anything to be enraged about.

At least that’s what Tarzan’s thinking. “I sense an aggravation with me,” he says to Chelsea. “And I don’t know if it’s because you had surgery and I’m a plastic surgeon and you don’t like your plastic surgeon or something, but you’ve been negative towards me since I’ve come in contact with you.” Let me start by saying this: If Chelsea doesn’t like her plastic surgeon, she’s crazy. I am not a fake boob man in the least. Just not my thing. But that seems to be some pretty solid work there. He didn’t go crazy and give her the clown boobs. There are no weird Tori Spelling-like crevices. Everything seems proportional. Well done, plastic surgeon! Maybe you could work on Tarzan’s man boobs next.

NEXT: A puzzling challenge decision

While Tarzan and Chelsea are busy talking boobs, Kim is trying to get rid of all the boobs (read: idiots) on her tribe. Meaning the men. She hatches a plot to tell Troyzan that Mike is working against him and wants him out. And Troyzan buys it hook, line, and sinker. “Troy is blinded by his dislike of Mike, so I’m using Troy to send Mike home tonight,” says Kim. For someone that professes to be such a huge fan of the show, this is a pretty unforgivable blunder by Troyzan. You think you’re in a solid co-ed alliance, have talked about the fact that a woman needs to go next to ensure that alliance is, in fact, real, and then when the lead woman says that not only should another guy go but that it should be a guy from your very own alliance, you not only don’t question it, but embrace it? C’MON!!!!!

At least we’ll have a tense down-to-the-wire challenge in which we’ll be sitting on the edge of our seats seeing if Mike will have an opportunity to unknowingly save himself with immunity at the challenge. Or not. Unfortunately, this is one of those immunity challenges where half the contestants are eliminated in the first stage, thereby robbing the finals of any true drama. Yes, it is kinda cool watching Jay come from behind to win the puzzle, but there are no real stakes because none of the four people (Jay, Kim, Troyzan, Alicia) that made it past the first ladder bridge stage were in any danger of going home. Why not ditch the stage 1 elimination and let everyone play it out? That way you have added tension with people in danger like Mike and Christina in it till the very end. It also allows for the possibility of even greater come from behind victories, which producers and viewers both love. Plus, who didn’t want to see Kat trying to complete that puzzle? That’s just a wasted comedic moment if you ask me.

So yes, Jay wins and should be feeling good about it, but he senses trouble on the horizon when Chelsea makes a bonehead move by bringing up getting rid of Mike — right in front of Alicia and Christina, who in Jay’s mind are in the opposite alliance. Chelsea! I toggled between you and Kim for my episode 1 pick to win it all. You are making me look really bad with this tomfoolery, especially as Kim dominates strategically. Get it together! Don’t let your hatred towards your plastic surgeon get you down. Focus, woman!

Jay now understands that he may be on the outside looking in, but Mike, he’s feeling positively wonderful. “Jay, he’s really nervous,” says Michael. “But my alliance is sticking together, and for every person that ‘s not in the alliance, it’s your turn to go. I like to do a blindside. It’s always kind of fun because there’s no scrambling. Everybody can just relax and go to Tribal. As long as it doesn’t happen to you, then you’re okay. I could say that now and have my tribe blindside me, but I just don’t see that happening.”

NEXT: Everyone feel safe. One person is wrong.

Oh. Michael. Poor, poor Michael. You have offended the Survivor gods, my friend. Even if you had been safe, a comment like that immediately puts your head on the chopping block. It is simply too delicious to pass up. But Mike is not the only one feeling confident at Tribal Council. “Who here tonight is genuinely worried it is them going home tonight?” asks Probst, and not a single person raises their hand. Somebody’s getting played, and according to Tarzan…it’s Jeff Probst! “I hate to say it, Jeff, but we’re all just playing you because we know how important this night is,” Tarzan begins. “What needs to be said is the allegiances that were formed prior to coming here, one would think would be relatively firm and not so wishy-washy, and if we reveal too much it will ruin the whole thing. So the game is afoot and that’s why we remain ambiguous. It’s our best bet, and therefore you’re being played.”

Apparently, Probst just got Tarzaned! Other people and things that have been Tarzaned this season include: Leif (who was immediately ostracized after talking to Bill), Jonas (whose name Tarzan could not remember), Chelsea (for rampant boob job remorse), Chelsea’s shorts (for having to come into contact with Tarzan’s poop-stained underwear) and bamboo (for having to enter Tarzan’s mouth as a dental cleaning aid). So Mike gets voted out — two votes are thrown Tarzan’s way to protect against a hidden immunity idol — although the biggest loser really is Troyzan for getting so absolutely used by Kim. Kim may not be the most dynamic personality out there, but she is sharp and focused, and due to her maneuvering, the men have now voluntarily voted out two of their own. This just in: Men are stupid.

But intelligent people like yourself know that our Survivor coverage has only begun! Jeff Probst answers some key questions about last night’s challenges in our weekly Thursday Q&A, and you can click on the video player below for an exclusive deleted scene from last night’s episode. And for more Survivor news and views, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Now it’s your turn. Impressed by Kim? Embarrassed for the men? Think the reward challenge winners should not have been allowed to bring beverages back for the losers? Want to see them get rid of the multi-stage immunity challenges? Hit the message boards to let everybody know your take, and I’ll be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!

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