Survivor recap: Switching Sides
The tribes are reshuffled, and Alicia puts her trust in — gulp! — Colton
Those who complain about my recaps being long-winded, rambling, and whatever other derogatory term you want to use to describe a writer that has a difficult time getting to the point will be happy to know that I am going to attempt to keep this week’s Survivor recap on the more manageable side. No five page opuses on infuriatingly spineless Jonas. No crazy tangents about the African-American woman who is paid by Mr. and Mrs. Cumbie to be Colton’s only black friend. No meteorology forecasts on how Kat’s gas passing has impacted the Samoan air quality index. Nope, not this time. Why? Allow me to “explinate.” See, after being so impressed by Tarzan’s incredible vocabulary, I’ve decided to pull a Walt Clyde Frazier and begin studying the dictionary from cover to cover to come up with nifty new words like…um…let’s see here…inaniloquent! That’s a good one. Oh, and…paludicolous. Fancy!
So obviously that will cut into my Survivor recapping time. Plus, I’m traveling. And you know what that means. That’s right: no Milwaukee’s Best! You seriously can’t expect me to continue on without my trusty Beast, can you? And yet here I am. And here you are. So let’s get to it.
The episode begins with the women doing the exact same thing we’ve all been doing for the past week — mercilessly mocking the men. “The guys are much more of a mess than we thought,” says Sabrina. “They are so dumb. They handed us a million dollars,” laughs Alicia. The ladies talk about how unbeatable they will be as long as all seven of them stick together like Phillip Sheppard’s crispy rice. And what could possibly thwart that plan? How about a tribe shake-up?
The teams arrive at the reward challenge and are told to drop their buffs. This is always Christmas for Survivor cameramen as they inevitably get to zoom in for lots of sexy close-ups of women unbuttoning their pants and slinking out of their tribe colors. Of course, the other side effect of the pre-merge tribe shake up is that I’ll finally be forced to learn the actual tribe names, which to this point I was convinced were Salami and Mahna Mahna.
After the contestants crack eggs filled with paint all over themselves (kinky!), we end up with Mike, Jay, Troyzan, Sabrina, The Farting Bandit, Chelsea, and Kim on the new Salani, while Tarzan, Jonas, Colton, Leif, Alicia, Christina, and Monica make up the new Manono. Colton is worried about Salani having all the muscle. Meanwhile, Leif is worried about how to get his dumb hat on over his buff without blinding himself in the process.
The challenge itself involves running a bucket over to a water tower, filling the bucket, and then trying to keep as much of the water in the hole-filled bucket as possible while then carrying it back and filling a container. Even though it gives me painful flashbacks of running buckets of water out of my flooded New Jersey basement, it’s a pretty cool challenge, especially when Monica wipes out — twice. (Sorry, Monica, I’m just kind of evil that way. That’s what being weaned on a steady diet of America’s Funniest Home Videos will do to someone. Blame Bob Saget! In fact, Blame Bob Saget for everything as far as I’m concerned.)
NEXT: Is that a hidden immunity idol in your pants or are you just happy to see me?Anyhoo, Salani wins some peanut butter and jelly as well as the original One World beach, which means Manono has to set up new digs. Queen Colton also starts things off on the right foot with his new tribe by referring to his teammates as “peasants.” One thing I’ve learned about women — they loooooove to be told how inferior they are to others. Totally turns them on.
Unfortunately, the tension producers are looking for back at camp by swapping up the teams does not really materialize. On Salani, Sabrina is psyched that four people from her alliance of five are still together. Similarly, crafty Kim says things can’t get any better! Now she not only has her girl alliance, but she sets a back-up plan in place with Jay and Troyzan. But Kim was totally wrong, because things are about to get even better. (Ha! In your face, Kim!) Realizing the Salani idol had never been located, Kim goes searching for it. After asking the Lord for help in her search — what is this, Survivor: South Pacific? — she indeed discovers it. Then, Kim makes like a Haley Joel Osment movie and pays it forward by answering all male viewers’ prayers by stuffing the idol next to her vagina. Listen, I am not trying to be gross. I’m just telling you what happened. The same way I am simply telling you that after Kim stuffs the idol in her bikini next to her vagina that she says “To literally reach in there and feel it — maybe one of the best feelings I’ve had since I got here.”
Before we continue on, I just want to make sure we’re all absolutely 100 percent clear on what has just transpired here. Kim took a hidden immunity idol, stuffed it next to her vagina, and then told us “To literally reach in there and feel it — maybe one of the best feelings I’ve had since I got here.” THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! I can’t change the quote, people! It’s that little mix’s fault! Or Bob Saget’s fault! I don’t know! But not mine! Kim then goes over and shares the good news with Chelsea that “I just found the immunity idol and it’s in my crotch.” Naturally, Chelsea is titillated by this news. There is no doubt about it, Kim has become a true power player in the game, and she didn’t have to demean anyone or act like a horrible human being to do it.
Speaking of horrible human beings, let’s see what’s shaking over at Manono. There’s an air of total confidence and positivity sweeping the tribe. Just listen to the enthusiasm! “I’m on a tribe of people who suck,” says Colton. “We’re not going to compete with them at anything.” Yes! That’s the spirit! What about you, Alicia? “We are not going to win. I already know we’re not going to win. Even if the girls didn’t have the guys on their team at Salani, they’d still probably kick our butts.” Excellent! Love that can-do attitude!
NEXT: Tarzan plays the name gameColton then makes a pinky swear pact with both Christina and Monica, although the pact seems to be voting them off as soon as possible. Instead of trying to find one of the guys to flip on Colton and give the women the numbers, Alicia just does exactly what Colton tells her to. (“You can come to Alabama and kill me” he says to Alicia if he is lying, although at this point she may need to take a number and stand in line.)
Meanwhile, Jonas is upset that while everyone else is working on getting the new camp up and running, Colton is just running his mouth. “How does he get away with it?” wonder Jonas. Hmmm, I don’t know, maybe BECAUSE YOU LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT, YOU NINCOMPOOP! “I never thought to play that game, but it’s brilliant,” says Jonas, continuing to give Colton five million percent more credit than he deserves. Honestly, as hateful a person as Colton is, Jonas makes me even angrier because of the way he has idiotically handed power in the game to the kid. Maddening. Plus he talks too slow and I am simply too impatient to wait for him to get through his excruciatingly drawn out excuses.
Oh, Manono also catches a chicken, which promptly walks right out of the cage as they are busy celebrating. I’m pretty sure it ran off because it was so disturbed at the sight of Tarzan laying around in his underwear. I’m kind of surprised the entire tribe did not follow suit.
The immunity challenge has all the makings of a rout since it is a physical affair in which the teams must retrieve a ball in the water and shoot baskets while wrestling each other in…wait, hold on. The men have already scored. That certainly didn’t take long. Manono tries a unique strategy in the second round by having Leif match-up against towering Mike in guarding the baskets. This is roughly equivalent to Muggsy Bogues guarding Manute Bol, and considering they were once teammates on my beloved Washington Bullets (as this hilarious photo proves), who knows — maybe that happened during a morning shoot-around. (Side note: Manute Bol used to have a dance club in D.C. called Manute Bol’s Spotlight, which was magnificent if for no other reason than it had a elongated door opening so that he could fit his 7-foot-7 frame through and actually gain entry to his own nightclub. Awesome.)
Leif tries the old let-me-splash-water-on-your-torso defense, which actually kind of works for a bit, but Salani ultimately scores and ultimately wins the challenge 3-1. Back at camp Manono, Jonas is busy solidifying his place as the most rage-inducing sushi chef in America. “I could be Colton’s bitch,” Jonas tells us. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Just don’t vote me off.” Way to be in on the action, buddy! With Alicia opting not to question Colton’s desire to vote out two members (Monica, Christina) of their new four person pinkie swear alliance, the only drama left is whether Tarzan will be able to remember the right name of the person to vote out. “Tell me who Monica is again,” he says when being informed of the plan. Colton tells him to “just think of Monica Lewinksy.” Ugh. So many famous Monicas and that’s the one he had to pick? What about Monica Bellucci, possibly the hottest actress ever? Or Monica Seles, champion tennis player (who really would be the most appropriate choice in this instance considering she was, yes, literally stabbed in the back)? Or even Monica Geller, the fictional character played by Courteney Cox on Friends? On second thought, I’m pretty sure Tarzan has no idea who any of those people are. Lewinsky, it is.
NEXT: Someone we actually like gets voted outAt Tribal Council, Monica calls her new tribe a “blessing,” because who wouldn’t want to be stuck with an elitist bigot, a woman who threatens to hit other women, and a dude who appears to have raided Phillip Sheppard’s underwear drawer? Talk about a Dream Team! Colton and Alicia go on to praise Monica’s positive attitude. “I smell a butt coming,” Probst says, leading to me to naturally assume that Kat is about to make like the men last week and crash Tribal Council before realizing he meant but and not butt.
Again, we all know Monica is a goner, so the entertainment comes from trying to figure out what the hell Tarzan is talking about. Somewhere in between load stars and neologisms, we learn why the guy with the handlebar mustache can’t seem to remember anyone’s name. He has aphasia! Probst tests this out by asking him he names of his tribemates, which he gets only after Monica gives him the first letter of Jonas’ name. Poor Monica — helping the tribe out even when she is just seconds away from being booted. I thought Monica was going to have a super tough time in this game. Instead, she proved to be a tough lady. And not tough in the skanky “I’m gonna hit somebody” Alicia way, but actually mentally and physically tough. Sorry to see her go. Especially with some of the characters still left.
And I would be sorry to see you go without reading my Thursday Q&A with host Jeff Probst, in which the host gives his reaction to the tribe reshuffling as well as Colton’s controversial remarks. Also make sure to enjoy our exclusive deleted scene from last night’s episode. And for more Survivor scoop, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Now it’s your turn. Is Kim in the driver’s seat? Did Alicia make the right move siding with the men instead of trying to get one of them to flip? Will the new Manono ever win a challenge? Hit the message boards and let us know. I’ll be away next week, so you’ll be treated to the recapping stylings of one Jessica Shaw, but I’ll be back after that with another scoop of the crispy. See ya then!