Kat’s entire strategy for the episode revolves around…margaritas? Will her relentless pursuit of booze cause the immature party girl to lose?

By Dalton Ross
Updated February 27, 2015 at 11:45 PM EST
CBS

PARTAAAAAAAAAAAY! What’s up, guys? It’s me, Kat! The dude, who is, like, soooooo old who usually writes this column said I could take over for a week. SO WHO’S READY TO GET FREAKIN’ WASTED!!!! I know one person who is — me! Yeah, so I had a bit of a rough time out there on Survivor last night. Almost as rough as that time I attempted to fart 13 times on 13 different people while downing 13 shots of tequila. That was so rad. People were like “Why are you doing that?” and I was all “Because it’s crazy awesome!” I even came up with a name for it: The Windbreakers Dozen. Don’t try and steal it because I trademarked that. What’s a trademark? I have no idea! Some dude who was holding the beer bong funnel at this completely awesome party I was at said to trademark it so, I was like “Hell, yeah!”

So, I guess I’m supposed to talk about the episode. Man, that Kim is such a meanie. Meanie, meanie, meanie. She never lets me win anything. I swear sometimes I think that girl is going to come over and knock over my blocks and steal my sippy cup. And that would totally stink because my sippy cup is filled with hardcore grain alcohol. HOLLA! And the fact that I lost to a 28-year-old is just, like, embarrassing. What, did she walk with the dinosaurs or something? LAME! I thought a blindside would be super fun and exciting, and guess what? It’s totally not. What’s that about? Stupid no-fun blindside. Why can’t there be a swim up bar or something at Tribal Council? I would never come party Spring Break style at that dump. Let’s crawl on over to my cousin Robby to see what he thinks.

Kat: “OMG! OMG! OMG!”

Robby: “Holyamazingcan’tbelieveitcrazywownutsahahahahahahahahahahah!!!”

Kat: “KLAJSFKAJSFNLQKJFNQPEUFHQPFOHQPJQOFNPQD!”

Robby: “QWDHBOQIWBOIBOIDBWOIDUQWDOIU!”

Robby brings up a good point. Perhaps I should have been a bit more strategic with whom I brought with me to the reward challenge. But when I analyzed the situation I felt that…Hmmm, is this bikini awesome or what? Polka dots are fun. I like fun. Fun is fun. Wait, what was I talking about again? Strategy? Ugh. BO-RING! Let’s put on some LMFAO, get some margaritas, and get HAMMERED! Who’s with me? Wow, writing is super hard. John from Samoa and Jimmy T from Nicaragua told me it was a breeze, but they’re so old I don’t know why I listened to them. Forget them and forget this. Yo, old dude, come back and write your stupid recap about stupid stuff that is so stupid that it’s stupid you’re writing about it.. I’m outta here. BODY SHOTS!

Hey, all. Sorry about that. Looks like you’re stuck with me, your regularly scheduled recapper, again. I’d like to apologize for that false start, but I had a feeling it might not last long after Kat asked to be paid in 2-for-1 Fat Tuesday coupons. So you’re back to me. Let’s take this bad boy from they very top.

Tonight’s episode starts with something completely different — Alicia telling us how stupid Christina is. However, Alicia is now rethinking her drink and wondering if Christina might be a good person to bring to the final 3. This is a relatively hilarious point being made by Alicia because by making it she is assuming that people will vote to give her a million dollars — against anyone. “Little to do they know, I’m at the top controlling everything,” she says. “I’m the most powerful player in this game.” Yeah, that’s hilarious too. The only power you hold in this game, Alicia, is the power to wear hideously tacky bathing suits.

NEXT: Warning — loved ones ahead

I’m sorry. That’s not fair. Alicia has another power in this game — the power of incredible smartphone technology in the palm of her hand. I’m speaking, of course, of the amazing Evo 3D from Sprint — truly a game-changing electronic device coupled with Sprint’s incredible nationwide coverage to offer…What’s that? I’m not getting paid to talk about this thing? Screw that, then. Go get an iPhone. Alicia and Sabrina, however, start screaming when they see the Sprint logo. (Kind of like the way I start screaming every time my Sprint service drops out.) They’re excited because they know that Sprint product placement can mean only one thing — they aren’t going to be forced to watch Jack & Jill! Also, they get videos from loved ones back home. And videos from loved ones back home means visits from loved ones as well.

Sure enough, the players watch short clips from their family members. “I am so proud of you,” says Alica’s sister Leticia (who may want to reconsider her position after now watching her sister’s behavior). Everyone gets a bit choked up at Tarzan’s video from his wife Terri. Sabrina notes that 64-year-old Tarzan has been in a 30-year marriage, and anyone who does not pick him to spend time with his wife would be selfish. I note that the inclusion of this scene tells me whoever wins the reward challenge will not be picking Tarzan. But who will that be?

The contestants arrive at the reward challenge and out come the relatives one by one. Everyone runs over to embrace everyone else, except for Kat who crawls over to her cousin Robby. The two then converse in a some sort of jibberish language that I can only assume is kind of like a dog whistle that can only be understood by anyone operating under the frequency of idiot. Tarzan closes the greetings by getting down on one knee to greet his wife. Tarzan has been beyond infuriating with his lack of a spine in this game and refusal to make any moves whatsoever — except defending racist Colton at Tribal Council — but it’s cute to see him reunited with his spouse. Although I’m not sure if they truly do share a “quantum entanglement,” or if that’s just the name of a James Bond film he wants to see when he returns to the U.S. Perhaps both.

The challenge is a simple one. The contestants and their loved ones have to get themselves and their rope through a series of obstacles. First person through wins food and margaritas…along with the chore of having to select two other players (with loved ones) to join them. Clearly motivated by the free booze being offered up, Kat and Robby take first place. “I won one guys!” says Kat, desperate for the credit she so desperately craves (if not deserves). “C’mon! I won one!”

NEXT: Kat’s real loved one — Jose Cuervo — shows up

Kat is then faced with her big choice. Which two players will she select to come with her and get time with loved ones? Well, obviously it won’t be Kim (who spurned her last time) and Alicia (who also got to go on the last reward). That would just be moronic and nonsensical. But no, that’s exactly whom she picks! Probst can’t believe his ears, and I can’t believe mine as Kat explains the reasoning behind her decision in perhaps the most Kat-like response in the history of Kat: “I’ve been wanting to hang out with these two girls for a very long time. Just us and alcohol — MARGARITAS!!! Oh my god, I’m about to get drunk!”

Amazing. Simply amazing. She didn’t pick the people that made the most sense strategically. She didn’t pick the people that made the most sense in terms of deserving it. She didn’t pick the people that would have ensured that nobody else would have been upset about being left out. Nope. She picked the people she wanted to get drunk with. And then she gave a shout-out to margaritas. I’m sorry, but are we absolutely 100% sure Kat wasn’t already drunk when she made these picks? “I’ll just eat my cake, get drunk, and I’ll go back to the tribe and deal with them later,” she says of her decision. What a great way to play the game! Hope you enjoyed that million dollar beverage, Kat.

Sure enough, back at camp Sabrina and Chelsea are upset that Kat did not allow Tarzan and Christina (whose dad had recently received a kidney transplant) to spend more time with their family. Chelsea asks Tarzan about them all getting together to vote off Kat — and Tarzan says no! Say what? As the last man standing, you’d figure Tarzan would be giddy to get the target off of him and onto someone else, but Tarzan says Kat is “not a thinking person.” Well, can’t say he’s wrong on that count.

Chelsea wants Kat gone, but Kim now wants to take Alicia and Kat to the finals (“I don’t think Alicia will get many votes. She’s not well liked, but she’s delusional about that,” Kim tells her sister of the former, and “She would be the person that would have a show like How The Million Dollars Ruined My Life in a year and she doesn’t know where she spent the money,” about the latter). Kim would rather get rid of smooth-talking Sabrina, saying of her reward challenge companions: “I spent the day with these two and they don’t think we’re a threat. That’s how dumb they are.” Can’t say she’s wrong on that count either.

But will Sabrina or Kat be able to save themselves at the immunity challenge? It’s an endurance contest, which makes me happy. Endurance challenges are great because you get to see the contestants pushing themselves to the absolute limit. In this one, the players stand on a ledge above the water, holding a handle behind their backs. That doesn’t sound so bad. But evil Jeff Probst is turning a crank periodically which lowers the contestants’ bodies and puts a huge strain on their arms to stay up. I’ve had a lot of fun at Kat’s expense, and I will continue to have more fun at her expense as soon as this sentence is over, but I give respect where respect is due and Kat performs admirably here, holding on for an hour before finally losing to Kim.

NEXT: Blindsides are “fun and exciting!”

Unfortunately, she spends the last minute or so of that hour busting out her best Wendy Whiner impersonation and basically crying to Kim about how unfair it is that she wins everything while also trying to pressure the best player in the game to quit. Then, when Kat doesn’t win, she initially refuses Kim a congratulatory high-five. Great sportsmanship! The thing that infuriates me the most about Kat is this whole “I’m only 22” excuse. First off, as Chelsea will eloquently state later at Tribal Council, “22 is not that young!” But more than that, Kat doesn’t act 22. She acts like she’s 4. Seriously, the way she was whining and then sulking during and after this competition is like a damn toddler — a toddler who kicks and screams because someone else is playing with her favorite toy. It’s unbelievable.

So the choice before Chelsea and Kim remains the same: oust Sabrina or Kat (who is now busy telling Alicia “Its amazing how we control the show. This game is our game.”). Looks like we’ll just have to head to Tribal Council and find out which way it goes. And Tribal Council is all about Kat. “Is this whole Tribal Council about me?” she asks. “I had no idea this was going to happen.” Yes, it’s all about you! I just told you it was all about you! Because this is truly a magnificent display of someone that clearly has no big picture whatsoever. (A big pitcher of sangria, perhaps, but not a big picture.) Kat starts things off by saying that her feelings were the ones that were hurt by her decision to bring Kim and Alicia with her on reward. Why her feelings? “Because I don’t want to see their faces be mad.” Brilliant. Then, when asked by Probst why the hell she chose those two to go with her, Kat offers up this gem: “Yes, strategically I could have picked two different people, but at that time I was thinking more, like, who would I have a great time with — not thinking strategically.” You don’t say!

Proving her motto that life is just one big keg stand of a party, feelings of other people be damned, Kat then informs us how happy she is to see someone about to be secretly rejected by the group and voted out. “If it is going to be a blindside, it is going to be pretty fun and pretty, like, like, exciting.” Oh, Kat — honey, you have no idea how fun it is going to be. And allow me to say, excellent usage of the double like. Kat finishes her dissertation on blindsides by commenting that “If it happens, cool beans. If it doesn’t, touché.” It is at this point when I realize Kat has no idea what the word touché means.

NEXT: Reality sets in for a reality TV star

So the votes are read and Kat’s name keeps coming up. The woman who never met a sound coming out of any orifice that she didn’t like is suddenly stunned into silence with a glazed look of disbelief on her face. And then, after having her torch snuffed…the waterworks. Kat uses her final words to cry about feeling embarrassed that she was voted off before Christina and Tarzan. This raw display of emotion is almost enough to make you feel sorry and sympathetic for the woman (and I use that last word loosely). But I do not for two reasons. 1) My heart is stone and I am evil. And 2) This is the woman that just a few minutes earlier was gloating over this exact same thing happening to someone else. “If it is going to be a blindside, it is going to be pretty fun and pretty, like, like, exciting,” she said. DOESN’T SEEM VERY FUN NOW, DOES IT?!

“I’m going to beg Jeff to let me play again so I can redeem myself,” Kat sobs at the end of the hour. Well, if that’s the case allow me to take this opportunity to now publicly beg Jeff to never, ever, ever, never have this person on the show again. Although I don’t think that begging is going to be necessary. I have a feeling we won’t be seeing many One World people ever again.

Okay, before we wrap things up, make sure to check out my weekly Q&A with Jeff Probst, in which the host offers a clue about next season of Survivor. Also enjoy an exclusive deleted scene from last night’s episode in the video player below where you can see what happened right when Kat and Co. returned from their reward feast. And for more Survivor news and views, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Now it’s your turn. Did you feel sorry for Kat after she was voted out? Get a bit misty eyed during Tarzan’s reunion with his wife? Thinking of purchasing a Sprint Evo 3D? Hit the message boards to let us know, and I’ll be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!

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