Fabio relieves himself in the middle of a challenge, and Marty takes another huge gamble

By Dalton Ross
Updated February 28, 2015 at 01:11 AM EST
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Monty Brinton/CBS

Survivor

S21 E7
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Judge: Order! Order! The court will now hear the case of THE CONTESTANTS OF SURVIVOR: NICARAGUA VS. JUDSON “FABIO” BIRZA. What is the nature of the complaint?

Chase: Well, sir, gee shucks, it’s a delicate matter. You see it…um…well, the thing is…

Judge: Spit it out, son.

Chase: You see, Fabio was…er…

NaOnka: Oh, clam it, pretty boy. The fool pissed in the pool.

Fabio: Whoa, that totally rhymes. Awesome!

NaOnka: Shut up, stupid.

Fabio: Hey, that’s not nice. You’re a big meanie. I like ice cream.

NaOnka: Oh, I’ll make you scream!

Judge: Order! Order! Is this true? Did you, in fact, urinate in the pool of water constructed for the reward challenge?

Fabio: Whatever, man. When you got to go, you got to go. Like, I could totally see you peeing under that big robe right now, dude! No shirt, no shoes, noooooo dice.

Judge: That is an outrageous statement. And why are you quoting Jeff Spicoli dialogue from Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

Marty: Your honor, I would just like to point out that my uncle, Guillermo Vilas, was also a judge. Great man. And a hell of a chess player. Although he went mad from people constantly confusing him with Vitas Gerulaitis. Your honor, I would also like it entered into the record how insane my hair is looking right now.

Judge: Duly noted.

Sash: Your honor, I would like it entered into the record that Marty has agreed to hand over to me all of his hair as well as both his uncle, Guillermo Vilas, and Vitas Gerulaitis.

Judge: Vitas Gerulaitis has been dead for 16 years.

Sash: And I, as a man of my word, have shaken Marty’s hand and promised to return Vitas Gerulaitis to his grave should we lose the next immunity challenge.

Judge: What does any of this have to do with Fabio peeing in the water?

NaOnka: Exactly! And what does it have to do with Kelly B’s fake leg? I hate that damn leg! I’d pee on that leg if I could.

Judge: ORDER!

You know what, folks? We don’t need a judge and/or jury to pass judgment on Fabio in this matter. I can give you my verdict right here and right now. GUILTY! Peeing in a massive body of water such as the ocean is one thing, but in a small, enclosed pool — that is a definite no-no. Was Fabio marking his territory? Was he hoping his urine would disgust the Espada members to such a degree that they would simply refuse to jump in while attempting to score goals for their team. Not likely. I mean, it was gross, but not that gross. The most confusing thing about this entire incident is that he could have just gone to the bathroom anywhere! Anywhere but the water. Dude, find a bush! I’ve been to a few maroonings where the contestants all take a break and run off in separate directions to pee in the bushes. I even watched Survivor‘s master eye-popper, Eliza Orlins, squat and relive herself just a few feet in front of me. No big deal. But Fabio wasn’t the only person guilty of something this episode. Also receiving verdicts…

NEXT: Guilty verdicts for folks whose names rhyme with “Pan,” “Pain,” “Palina,” and “Polly.”

GUILTY!

Dan is guilty of lots of things. He’s guilty of having little-to-no personality, guilty of being completely useless, and guilty of constantly making painful mob references: This week he dubbed himself Teflon Dan, after John Gotti, the so-called Teflon Don. But what he was most guilty of this episode was providing us with the worst jump-and-throw ever witnessed. Look, I know Dan’s knee is completely shot, but here’s the thing: If you’re going to have to jump anyway, you may as well throw the ball while you’re in mid-air. Again, unless you simply refuse to partake, you have to jump — or at least fall — into the water, so what the hell happened here? Why throw first, then jump? Go back and watch it. It’s truly a thing of awkward, unintentionally hilarious beauty. I’d say Dan threw like a girl — but that’s insulting to girls! Of course, Dan came nowhere close to scoring, but even if his throw had somehow gone in — perhaps riding a magical tidal wave of Fabio’s urine —it wouldn’t have counted because he threw too early. Luckily for him, it didn’t matter; Espada still won (although Chase had to take a shot in the family jewels to help preserve the lead). So off they went to, in the words of Kelly, “milk your own milk.”

GUILTY!

That’s right, Jane is also guilty this episode. Guilty of being awesome! I’ve never been a big fan of people whining about how they weren’t included or appreciated on their previous tribe. (Get over it! It’s not high school!) But you know what I am a big fan of? Hoarding food. Why not? If Jane is working ten times harder than everyone else, then why shouldn’t she enjoy a little blackened fish? I also loved her reaction when Marty accused her of voting against him: No confirming, no denying. Just hearty laughter. What if a contestant did that all season long? Never said a word. Just laughed in everyone’s faces — even Probst’s at Tribal Council. Sure, they’d last only three days, but it would be the best three days EVER.

GUILTY!

The charge here is Random Crying Over a Hearty Meal. The offenders: Alina and Holly. Here’s another example of the absurdly amplified emotions that creep up when you’re wet, cold, tired, and hungry. I’m sure Alina was watching the episode at home going “What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I bawling over a huge chunk of cheese?” We already knew Holly was unstable due to Exhibit A (Dan’s $1600 sand-filled and drowned alligator shoes) but I didn’t picture tough girl Alina breaking down like this. Although perhaps I would break down as well if I had to stand and watch NaONka and Dan milk a cow. (My eyes! They’re burning!)

GUILTY!

The next person that is guilty is none other than…me! I’ve given former Girls Gone Wild cameraman Benry a hard time this season for, well, being a former Girls Gone Wild cameraman. I also couldn’t help but chuckle when he knocked the paperweight over at Tribal Council after trying to talk like a tough guy. And you would think I would be lighting him up this week for A) Head-butting Alina in the lip, and B) Singing a jingle implying he has undersized testicles. (Why do that to yourself?)

NEXT: Hey, how about an unnecessary risk with zero upside?

But you know what? One must give props where props are due, and Benry was money in both of these challenges. He practically faked Fabio out of his bathing suit in the reward challenge (and let’s all be thankful he didn’t, lest we have to watch Fabio pee). Then he was dominant again in the immunity challenge, rolling balls down a chute to smash tiles and leading Espada to the victory. This follows up on several other challenges where he has excelled. So while I may have been guilty of dissing and dismissing — and with a nickname like Benry you can’t say it wasn’t at least partially deserved — right now he’s getting nothing but love.

GUILTY!

Marty, Marty, Marty. Last week I praised you for a bold, calculated gamble in not using the hidden immunity idol. Not this week. This week, you, my friend, are GUILTY! Guilty of bizarrely taking an unnecessary risk with virtually no upside whatsoever. Let’s set the scene: After losing the immunity challenge, the youngsters of La Flor planned to split the votes: 3 for Marty and 2 for Jill. The goal being to flush Marty’s idol and send Jill home. Makes sense. But then Sash and Brenda decided to take it one step further by asking Marty to give them the hidden immunity idol. That’s crazy. Just so crazy, it may work! And it did. This was one of the more amazing things I’ve seen in Survivor history. Think about it: Sash basically told Marty, “Look, you can use the idol to save yourself guaranteed this week. But I have a better idea. Why not give me the idol and that way we can potentially send you home instead!” To Marty’s (minor) credit, he did not immediately bite, so then Sash promised to give the idol back to Marty if they lost the next immunity challenge. And if you believe that for one second, then I’ve got an amazing bridge to sell you.

There is no way in hell Sash ever gives that idol back. Which means that the upside for Marty to give it up is ZERO. Look at the two possible choices. Choice #1: Marty keeps the idol, uses it, and then is safe for 3 more days with no idol. This is guaranteed. Choice #2: Marty gives Sash the idol and then one of two things happens. In a worst-case scenario, Sash and company vote Marty out immediately. As we’ve stated, no way Sash actually gives back the idol, so now in a best-case scenario, Sash does not vote out Marty immediately, and Marty is still in the game, but now his enemies have the idol. The bottom line: The BEST case scenario in choice #2 is actually worse than the guaranteed result of choice #1. (I bolded that for emphasis because it still makes me so angry even typing it.) So in the zero upside department, what Marty did is not all that different than Tyson idiotically changing his vote from Russell to Parvati in Heroes vs Villains, thereby voting himself out instead. And had Sash and company gone ahead and voted him out, we would be talking about Marty in the same way we talk about Erik giving away immunity in Micronesia. “It could go down as one of the stupidest moves ever,” said Marty at Tribal Council. “Or maybe not.” Even though you didn’t get voted out, it’s the former, Marty. Definitely the former.

NEXT: Wait, Judge Dalton Ross rules against Jeff Probst, too?

GUILTY!

My last guilty party of this episode is Jeff Probst, who was guilty of pushing all the right buttons at Tribal Council. Once Sash admitted that he had the immunity idol in his pocket, Probst stirred the pot by inquiring, “Now that you have it in your possession for the group, you wanna give it to Brenda to hold on to?” Go back and watch this sequence, and for the slightest of seconds you will see Sash — who is about as smooth as they come — completely frozen. It’s a question he never expected to be asked, and certainly one he did not want to answer in front of the group. “If that’s what we decide as a group, maybe back at camp I’ll do that,” he responded. “At this moment, I don’t think it serves a purpose. But if there’s a time I lose trust in them…” WHOA, NELLIE!!! You could see Probst’s face light up when that came out of his mouth. Sash reminded me of a boxer who had taken a Mike Tyson shot to the chin, was dazed, and trying to get back on his feet before the ref counted to 10. “I’m sorry, if there’s a time where they lose trust in me, then I’ll have to turn it over, or I’ll have the biggest target in my back of this entire tribe.” He got to his feet just in time. Barely. Truth be told, I don’t think it created any new rifts. But it sure was fun to watch.

The big drama after that was whether the youngsters would keep their word and not vote out Marty. They did, and Jill was sent home. Jill becomes another in a long line of unmemorable contestants to get axed this season. I have nothing whatsoever against the woman, but do you think any of us will remember her in five years — or five months, even? Probably not. At least we have the merge to look forward to next week. An earlier merge than usual, with 12 members still left. But can you blame the producers for speeding up the process? They tried the old vs. young thing and it didn’t work. So they switched up the tribes hoping to create some new drama, and while it’s certainly been a bit of an improvement, you still have the young people running both camps and predictable vote-outs around the corner. So they’re shaking it up again with a merge. Does this mean folks like Holly and Jane are back on the outs as the young people realign? We’ll see.

You know what else you should see? Jeff Probst’s Survivor: Nicaragua blog (which will post early tomorrow morning on our PopWatch blog), where he gives you insight on all the latest twists and turns. And, as always, we have an exclusive deleted scene from last night’s episode in the video player below, along with my pre-game interview with Jill, and the most recent edition of the TV Insiders podcast. But now you need to answer a question for me: Just how stupid was Marty to give his enemy the idol? Where does it rank on the list of ultimate Survivor head-scratchers? Ht the comments section and let us know! And for more Survivor news and views, follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. See ya next week!

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Survivor

Jeff Probst leads adventures in the ultimate (and original) reality series.

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