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S33 E1
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September 22, 2016 at 01:15 PM EDT


wAIt, WhaT? SoRRY ab0ut thaaaat. Still getting used to this computer thingy. Being a member of Generation X, I am obviously unfamiliar with how computers — or any modern technology, really — works. Do I just keep punching these keys with my fingers like some trained monkey?

How can I possibly figure any of this out? I’m a Gen Xer! I’m all about putting in an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay, and then retreating to my La-Z-Boy recliner while relaxing with a TV dinner and an ice-cold Schlitz! But these young whippersnappers with their Facebooks and their Tweeter and their Snapschat seem to be from another planet. And as Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer famously opined, their world scares and confuses me. What in the name of Kurt Cobain is an aging hipster to do?!

Watch Survivor, I guess. Yes, Survivor is back! Everyone bust out your orange baseball caps, because it’s time to embark on yet another island adventure, this one complete with cyclones, Legacy advantages, and terrible alliance names. Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X is upon us, and if you’re too old to be in either of those adult demos, then tough luck, sucker! See ya next season! You can go see what Murtaugh and Riggs are arguing about over on Fox’s Lethal Weapon. (My best guess is it has something to do with someone being “too old for this sh-t.”)

Okay, now that we’ve checked IDs to ensure all viewers fall within the range of appropriate ages, let’s get to it — I need to fly through this thing and save it all to a floppy disc that I can give to my editor for printing. Or maybe I should fax it in? Decisions, decisions. (Oh, and a word of warning to any new readers: Contrary to the statement above, I don’t breeze through anything. I’ll apologize in advance for any possible off-topic tangents involving — but not limited to — funky cold medina, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, Rick Rockwell, “Where’s the Beef?” the USFL, Shasta McNasty, and O-Town.)

RELATED: Ranking Every Season of Survivor

This will be the battleground for a Survivor culture war! Those aren’t actually my words, mind you, but Jeff Probst’s as he introduces the new season. I suppose I should have put them in quotes. (Still figuring out this keyboard thing. Gen Xer, you know.) And which player will win the coveted First Quote of the Season award? Why, it’s Taylor, who falls right into line with this season’s theme by informing us that, “My generation, it’s all about doing what you want to do.” Taylor also tells us he’s a beekeeper, he’s brewed his own beer, he’s been a snowboard instructor, and he’s gone to North Dakota! I’m not 100-percent sure how that last thing fits in with the others, but maybe they drink a lot of honey-infused beer in North Dakota? We also meet fellow Millennial Mari, who plays video games for a living, and Zeke, who says Twitter is “the worst thing ever invented” and can currently be found @zekerchief.

And then there are the Gen Xers like Chris, who says old people “know how to get up and fight.” (Not to mention get up and pee three times in the middle of the night, but I digress.). And Sunday — the woman, not the day of the week — who comes straight from Fargo central casting and doesn’t understand adults who play video games all day. (Madden 17. Try it.) And David, who talks about spending 14 years as an assistant before finally getting a promotion to TV writer, which must make the fact that John Cochran landed a primetime TV-sitcom gig with no apprenticeship and exactly zero professional writing experience drive him positively INSANE!

But enough about David’s 14-year odyssey to get a job that took Cochran one day, thanks to a well-placed finale plug by Jeff Probst. Let’s go watch the Hostmaster General stand on top of a big island mountain in his super-boss orange hat while delivering the iconic “39 days” line! Love that shot. Like Colt 45, it works every time.

Speaking of which, when Billy Dee Williams claimed Colt 45 works every time, what exactly did he mean by that? Because rather than extolling the virtues of taste or texture, I’m pretty sure Billy Dee is just saying Colt 45 will get you laid. First off, that’s a pretty bold claim. Trust me, I’ve seen plenty of dudes drinking Colt 45 that looked nowhere close to getting any action whatsoever. Secondly, let’s be honest — Billy Dee Williams could get laid drinking whatever the hell he wants. He doesn’t need Colt 45. You know why? Because he’s Billy Dee Williams!!! The only unsmooth thing that man’s ever done is losing the Millennium Falcon to Han Solo at the Cloud City Sabacc Tournament.

Anyway if you don’t think that motto is all about malt liquor getting you laid, check out this classic ad:

Well, hard to argue with the results, I guess. Anyhoo, Probst greets the contestants on the beach and has them reveal their tribe-colored buffs and move to the appropriate mats. He then informs the players of the Millennials vs. Gen X twist, saying Millennials were born between the years 1984 and 1997, while Gen Xers were born between 1963 and 1982. 1963?! That seems awfully generous. Aren’t those Baby Boomers? Who cares? Older contestants often make for the most interesting contestants, so I say bring ‘em on.

NEXT: Choose your own Survivor adventure

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