Snoop Dogg rapped for about 10 seconds, next week's all-stars were announced, and injustice was served

By Lanford Beard
Updated July 22, 2011 at 05:00 AM EDT
James Dimmock/FOX

That’s what this show is in for getting rid of Mitchell and Clarice and for exposing my eardrums to that hot mess that calls itself Blush. Admittedly, Mitchell’s routine last night was a decided low point, but I still think his time came too soon. Regardless, America has spoken, and we are in the process of a contemporary cull.

After a Josh Bergasse number to “On Broadway” from Smokey Joe’s Cafe that was defined by Rockette costumes (for girls) and gold satin pants (for guys), Cat mercifully dispensed of the most obvious bad news first, confirming that Mitchell would be in the B4. Joining him were Clarice, despite being 150 percent awesome in last night’s Bollywood routine, and Ricky, despite being awesome at life. Tyce strikes twice in one night! Can we just start calling him the Black Hammer? Last to join the B4 was Jordan, making Nigel’s entreaty to America last night null and void.

Despite a divisive performance, Melanie was safe. So was Tadd, even though he was outdone by the machine-gun rhyming styles of Busta Rhymes at first glance. Also staying in the game was Marko. No surprise. Also Sasha, through the divine intervention of tWitch. Jess predictably lived to see another week, and his weary arms are surely thanking America that he doesn’t have to use them any more tonight. Last to be declared safe was Caitlynn, who simmered and sizzled in her tango with Pasha.

Bittersweet news came as Cat confirmed that not all of this week’s all-stars will be back next week. Instead, there will be an entirely new roster of alums that includes Ivan, Jaimie, Anya, Lauren Gottlieb, Neil, Ade, and Lauren Froderman. The only returning dancer from this week is Pasha, who will not be ignored, America. That said, I know there are plenty of you out there who are squealing with excitement that Ade is going to be back on the stage. On the heels of that announcement, Cat also divulged that next week’s guest judges will be Rob Marshall and Lady Gaga.

The guest performances tonight were a mixed bag. American Ballet Theatre’s Daniil Simkin performed a whimsical, nerdy-schoolboy number to a Jacques Brel song. He was certainly adorable, but are those a couple minutes of my life that I can never get back? Maybe… Snoop Dogg also hit the boards, accompanied by pan-Asian girl group Blush, though what they really should be called is Pussycat Dolls Lite. The obvious similarities were unfortunate, especially since their routine was even more mind-numbingly boring than Nicole Scherzinger’s performance last week. Adding to the embarrassment, Cat made sure to plug that fact that they’re giving away 15,000 free downloads of their single in the coming week. Try-hard, thy name is Blush. Seriously, though, who did Snoop get high to get those girls on the show?

NEXT: That time we learned what a Bod Pod was

And lest ye forget that SYTYCD has sold out to Gatorade, this week’s embedded ad featured the contestants taking a field trip to the Gatorade Sports Science Institute. Once there, they entered some sort of creepy chamber called the Bod Pod that measures lean muscle mass, played on some fancy Lite-Brite that tests coordination and reaction time, and tried out the souped-up version of the very same test that incorporated jumping up to smack bicycle blinkers taped to a football goal. The end result? Everyone was pronounced physically fit and super-coordinated. Well thank goodness Gatorade told me that. I never would have guessed.

Then came the solos. Clarice went first with a thumping solo that was fun but certainly wasn’t dance-for-your-life material. She didn’t even really get into the groove until about eight seconds were left. Sorry, lady, you’re not looking good for longevity. Mitchell followed, now with 100 percent more props and even more skin than last week! I don’t know if he was just trying to emote, but he seemed to look a little nervous. The song was also fundamentally a nonstarter. Not his best showing. Jordan returned to dance for her life for the third time this season. So naturally she tried to redeem herself after last night by…performing to the exact same song? And dancing exactly as she has all season? Someone will have to explain this girl’s logic to me. Ricky was the final contestant to go, and they certainly saved the best for last. Hands down, best solo of the night. He has some fire in him.

Generally the judges’ deliberation has nothing worth noting, but did you see how amped up NPH seemed tonight? There were gesticulations! Whether his opinion was ultimately taken into consideration may always be a mystery, but heck if he didn’t voice it ferociously. With that, the panel returned to bid adieu to two more dancers. Nigel took a moment to assure all four dancers that he would be sad to see any of them go and console them with the fact that everyone in this group will be on the tour. Then he hastily dropped the bomb on Mitchell and Clarice that they’d be sent packing. No fanfare, no criticism, just “hasta la vista.” Ouch.

So, Dancefans, now that you’ve had a night to sleep on it, how do you feel? Was Mitchell unfairly dismissed? Or were you glad he had to leave if that meant Ricky could stay? Was Clarice’s Bollywood breakthrough too little too late? And — I’m going to ask it again — why is Jordan still here? Who do you hope is next to go? What are you most excited for: the new crop of all-stars or Lady Gaga’s turn as a guest judge?

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