901-My Penis May Have Helped You Heal
Credit: Paul Sarkis/SHOWTIME
Episode 803

STDs, Gay Jesus, yoga sex, and teenagers in diapers can only mean one thing — Shameless is back!

America’s favorite hilariously dysfunctional family returned on Sunday for their ninth (!!!) season. And to celebrate another summer with the Gallaghers, EW decided to debut a new weekly recap called “The Shameless shameless rankings.” How does it work? Well, the title kind of gives it away, but after each episode, we’ll rank these lovely degenerates from most to least shameless (Frank can’t be No. 1 every time, can he?).

So grab a beer, bail your sibling out of prison, and find out how shameless your favorite Gallagher was this week.

1. Frank

For a man we last saw covered in s—, Frank is flourishing. The Gallagher patriarch literally has more fancy silverware and romantic partners than he knows what to do with. But, unsurprisingly, his sexual parade through the PTA at Liam’s school leads to the Holy Trinity of STD outbreaks. At first, it looks like the finger might not get pointed at Frank as the other parents admit affairs with each other. Eventually, though, Frank is outed as the Wilt Chamberlain of the group, causing the men to turn on him. “I did you a favor,” asserts Frank. “My penis might have actually helped you to heal.” Well, after using his penis to help them heal, he uses his words, turning the IV session into group therapy. And it works! Gay affairs are revealed, marriages are saved, and Frank gets kicked in his healing region. “Who knew that STDs could bring so much happiness?” Amen, Frank.

2. Kevin

Kevin has decided to treat his daughters as if they are dogs so that he can have sex with Veronica. I feel like I don’t have to say anymore.

3. Lip

Lip is really trying. Trying to be sober, trying to be a good parental figure, trying to be the best best man. He also tries to have sober sex and that doesn’t go quite as well as the others. His closet hookup with Tami, the maid of honor at Brad’s wedding, is dirty, literally, as she throws up on him mid-intercourse. He later tries to be a good man and ask Tami out on a traditional date, but he’s too boring for her and he apparently “f—s for s—.” Um, I’d say Mandy, that professor, Karen, Amanda, that pedophile teacher, Sierra, and the other Mandy would disagree.

4. Debbie

Diapers are no longer just for babies and the elderly. Pampers’ new marketing campaign could be centered around the ability to make more money per hour after Debbie successfully fights for equal pay by wearing a diaper to work. You know the classic Notorious B.I.G. song, “Mo Money Mo Diapers.”

5. Fiona

Welcome to the beginning of the end for Fiona Gallagher on Shameless. Before we discuss Fiona’s premiere activities, let’s pay tribute to Emmy Rossum, who recently announced that she’ll be leaving the series at the end of season 9. While William H. Macy is the big name and Frank is the comedic highlight, Rossum has grounded the series and served as the true heart of Shameless. It really is a crime that she was never even nominated for an Emmy. Like, how could the Emmys not honor an Emmy?

There will be plenty more time to say goodbye to Rossum and Fiona, so let’s catch up with her busy season 9 premiere. Currently on her plate is her blossoming relationship with Ford, continuing the upkeep on her building, and working to bail Ian out of jail. All three of those intersect as Fiona is having the building appraised so she can get a loan against it to put up Ian’s bail money, which Ford doesn’t think is a very good idea. Speaking of Ford, he’s turned Fiona into the jealous type as she becomes rightfully suspicious upon finding out that he has two phones. This leads to her trying to get into his phone by using the facial scan while he sleeps and accidentally dropping the phone into the toilet. But stop worrying because it’s only so he can talk with his international-living mom. And also don’t worry because he brought peace burritos!

6. Ian

Ford’s concern over Fiona bailing out Ian might be well founded since Ian can’t even assure his sister that he will show up for court because who knows where God will take him. He also doesn’t seem to be in a rush to get out of jail considering the movement he’s started inside. He’s successfully put the gay inmates on protest, forcing the other prisoners to treat them with respect if they want to continue their sexual relationships. This was a very interesting storyline, but the whole time I couldn’t stop wondering if that is Glen “Big Baby” Davis playing Ian’s enforcer Jules?!?! Does that make Ian his new Brian Scalabrine?

7. Carl

I never thought I’d see the day that Carl would be the second least shameless person on Shameless. Is it bad that I miss the days of him with cornrows and drug dealing? He seems to be killing it at military school, that is until one of his cadets possibly kills Kassidi. Yes, she was annoying, but damn that seems excessive. But also cheaper than a divorce!

8. Liam

Most kids set up lemonade stands, but if you’re Liam Gallagher, you set up a stand at recess to return fancy silverware that your father stole from your friends after he slept with their moms. He really is the anti-Gallagher. It might be time for another paternity test.

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