Credit: Chuck Hodes/SHOWTIME
Episode 803
S9 E13
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Max, for the win!

After spending all of my recent recaps worrying about the lack of a happy ending for poor Fiona, Max — formerly known around here as a scumbag — comes out of nowhere to save the day. Admittedly, I knew something good was coming, and you would have to if you read my new interview with Emmy Rossum, in which she teases her “moving” exit and Fiona’s new life.

But leave that open in another tab, because it’s time to grab a beer, bail your sibling out of prison, and find out how shameless your favorite Gallagher was this week.

1. Liam

For the last few recaps, I’ve been wondering aloud where Liam has been, and it turns out I wasn’t the only one. He’s been off crashing at his friend’s house, and when his siblings finally start wondering where he is, he ignores their calls. I respect the move, but, as the oldest of six, I also don’t respect it!

2. Debbie

Debbie, I feel for you and I’m sorry that you feel like no one loves you, but all that being said, making a move on your brother’s ex like days after she dumped him is pretty shameless. Speaking of what’s Shameless, the scene between Debbie and Carl on the porch was great and reminiscent of Lip and Fiona conversations in that very same spot. The torch is being passed.

3. V

Here Kev is, dealing with the end of his sexual prime after lasting only eight seconds in bed, and V strolls into a conversation at the Alibi and cracks, “You will be back to your regular 10 seconds in no time.” Low blow. And she knows he’s still sensitive down there.

4. Kev

Raise your hand if you forgot that Kev and V had the twins pretending there was only one of them at school. Well, they’re paying for it now, with the price being Kev dressing up as Jesus and carrying a massive cross 150 yards. Even worse, Kev seems to like how he looks in the Jesus wig.

5. Frank

It’s probably not a good sign when you’re on a first name basis with the paramedics. While Fiona might have stopped squatting at her old building, Frank hasn’t, and his punishment is barely escaping with his life as a wrecking ball comes through, then doing serious damage to his leg once outside. Initially declining to call an ambulance because of the drugs, a.k.a. his investment of the “Ingrid severance money,” in his possession, Frank is eventually brought to the hospital, where they want nothing to do with him considering he’s cost them over $100,000 in the past. Thankfully, a Doogie Howser-type steps up and performs surgery on Frank, who is then given 20 Oxys and left in the middle of the street.

6. Kelly

I like you, Kelly, and I wouldn’t call you a “b—-” like some others, but maybe don’t hang around the Gallagher house right after you just broke Carl’s heart. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask.

7. Carl

Sweet little Carl just can’t catch a break. First, Kelly dumps him (some of that is his own doing). Second, he’s rejected by West Point. Then, he gets held up at work. But that seafood restaurant robber didn’t know who he was dealing with, as evidenced by the beat down Carl laid on him. And yet Carl’s most heroic act of the episode was comforting Debbie, who is dealing with her own Kelly rejection.

8. Lip

Lip really is out here just trying to be a good boyfriend, prospective father, and brother. His tough love with Fiona worked and now he’s being more soft-handed with his love, by making sure she’s going to meetings and giving her necessary pep talks. “It all just felt apart so fast; I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do now,” admits Fiona. Supportive Lip responds, “The only thing you can do: You get back up and you start over. It’s f—ing hard, but you’re strong.” Now if only he’d stop bothering Tami at work.

9. Fiona

Welcome to the lower end of the shameless rankings, Fiona, it’s been a while. Last week’s rock bottom really has forced Fiona to get her life together, and she’s doing her best, between going to AA, taking Al-Anon surveys, going with Frank to the hospital, meeting with her public defender, and taking a minimum wage overnight job at a gas station. And maybe it’s her new attitude that swings karma in her favor and brings Max to her Valero of all the late-night stops he could have made. Mr. Slick has been needing to call her because the zoning on the retirement home that she invested in came through, meaning she’s got some cash coming to her — in like a year. But seeing the position she’s in (and honestly, maybe doing what’s best for him), he offers to buy her out for $100,000 so she doesn’t have to wait. He departs, leaving her in tears of joy. Let’s now begin speculation on what she spends the money on: Tracking down Jimmy/Steve? Moving to New York like Emmy Rossum just did? Getting a pricey lawyer?

10. Max

Wait, is he not a total douche after all?

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Episode 803
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