Simon has a little too much fun with his kidnapper

By Lincee Ray
January 26, 2016 at 11:06 PM EST
John Medland/Free Form
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Alec’s personality may be on the sluggish side, but that didn’t stop “Dead Man’s Party” from trucking along at a very fast pace. Especially if you consider Simon’s revelation at the end of the episode. I’ll get to that in a minute. First we have to deal with Clary and her no good, very bad day.

Watch out shadowhunters, because Clary is fired up that the people who are in charge of shielding mundanes from danger didn’t do their job with the one person they were supposed to protect while she dealt with a sword hanging over her head in the City of Bones. Alec placidly gives Clary the 4-1-1 when it comes to the vampire Raphael who kidnapped Simon. The clan probably wants to trade her bestie for the Mortal Cup.

There are two problems with this scenario: A.) Valentine wants to trade Clary’s mom for the cup, too, and B.) Clary doesn’t have the stupid cup. Since she has no idea where her mother is being held, Clary chooses to save Simon. She stalks off to storm The Hotel DuMort where the vampires live with nothing but bouncing red curls and gumption. Jace warns that if she goes in with zero guns blazing, she’ll die. They need a plan.

Alec mopes, irritated that Jace doesn’t want to tell the Clave about their mission. Plus, where are they going to get weapons without the Institute getting suspicious? Never fear. Shadowhunter ancestors used to hide all sorts of useful stuff in cemetery graves. Problem solved. To the Mystery Machine!

The group locates the marked grave, slide off the lid, and Alec bemoans the fact that the deceased resident forgot to bury a bow and some arrows along with a jillion knives and seraph blades. He offers to sneak back into the Institute for his weapon of choice. He also warns Jace that risking all their lives just because Jace is “desperate to get laid” is not a reason to rescue Simon. They bicker for a hot second before they hug it out.

Clary chooses a sword and Jace sidles up behind her to “teach” her how to properly wield the blade. Think about every romantic movie you’ve seen where the guy leans in behind the girl to teach her how to golf or play baseball. Except replace the club and bat with a deadly weapon. Clary even pretends to not fully understand the movement so Jace will show her again. It was so cheesy. Of course I loved it.

She finally pulls herself away from Jace and slices the air a few times. Clary tells Jace that she felt like he was still with her. He smiles goofily answering, “I am. I will be.” He’s quick to change his tune to “we will be” and Clary challenges him. It’s clear that Alec hates her guts. Jace defends his parabatai. What’s that you ask? What’s a parabatai? Thanks to a website dedicated to the book series and wonderful individuals who have lots of time to kill, I can tell you that parabatai are warriors who fight together and are bound by an oath. One lays down his or her life for the other. No human bond compares. Call me crazy, but Clary looked awfully jealous of Jace and Alec’s bromance.

Jace takes Clary to a biker bar to practice unglamouring the people around her. All you have to do is relax your vision and pretend that everything is a Magic Eye. Suddenly Clary sees vampires all around her. Jace instructs her to flirt with this one vamp because those four minutes of learning how to fend off demons in the cemetery were enough to adequately prepare her for this moment. Clary turns on the charm and the biker dude waves his fingers in front of her face in a limp “spirit sprinkles” sort of way. Clary gets this dreamy look in her eyes and he begins taking advantage of her. Jace has a hard time watching, but he lets it go on.

NEXT: Bite me

The same thing happens to Simon at The Hotel DuMort. He’s a fidgeting, sarcastic mess who just so happens to turn the head of the vampire in charge named Camille. They make out on a gold lame couch worthy of Graceland. Camille asks Simon if Clary has the cup? A lovesick Simon answers no, but he does offer that they went to the City of Bones, only to find out that her memories had been erased. Camille grumbles the name, “Magnus Bane.” She hops off the couch and offers Simon a Bloody Mary.

Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about Izzy. She’s the reason ABC Family had to change their name to the ambiguous Freeform. Her story line might as well have been an ad for Victoria’s Secret. Izzy uses her bra and panties to find out from her faerie “friend” Meliorn (who is rumored to be dating Camille) the inner workings of the vampire lair. Throughout this tryst, we learn that faeries can’t lie, Meliorn is a member of the Clave, and the easiest way in the hotel is basically the service entrance. She meets Alec there once she puts her clothes back on.

Meanwhile at the bar, Jace confronts the biker dude and picks a fight. Jace moves at light speed, punches the vampire, and manages to grab his motorcycle key in the tussle. He jumps on the bike with Clary and takes off — into the sky. Clary giggles like a school girl who doesn’t have a best friend kidnapped by vampires and a missing mother. Shadowhunting is hard work y’all. It’s important to blow off a little steam every once in a while.

They land on the roof of the hotel. Jace burns a few runes in Clary’s skin so she can’t be fascinated by vampires anymore. Clary wonders what will happen to Simon if he’s been fascinated by a vampire? Not to worry. More than likely all that will happen is that he will feel blissfully in love. Not that Jace knows.

Clary: You’ve never been bitten by a vampire?

Jace: [SILENCE.]

Clary: Oh. You’ve never been in love.

Jace and Clary give each other awkward glances outside, while the Lightwoods take on a dozen vampires inside. Our lovebirds hear the commotion and run in to help. Others vamps attack and Clary begins stabbing bodies left and right. The downworlders disintegrate in a flash. Simon hears noises and screams for Clary. I guess he snapped out of his love haze? It doesn’t really matter because Raphael catches him. The vampire boy pleads with Camille to leave for her own safety. He promises to kill Simon himself.

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Instead, he lets Simon escape with the shadowhunters. He warns Jace to remember who his real friends are when the time comes. We can only assume this has something to do with Valentine. Out in the open, safe from the vampires in the protection of the sunlight, Clary slams into Simon, thankful he’s alive. She claims that she can never live without him. His face lights up with all of the hope in the world — until she calls him her best friend. Gotta love the zone.

Clary stares at Jace with adoration. So does Alec. Izzy looks at herself in a mirror, and Simon zeroes in on Clary’s carotid artery steadily pumping in her neck. I guess that Bloody Mary was more O-Negative than tomato juice. It’s a good thing Simon is already so pale. He’ll make a handsome vampire, right?  

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  • TV Show
seasons
  • 1
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  • 01/12/16
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  • In Season
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