The bad times continued in TV's deadliest suburb

By Price Peterson
July 13, 2016 at 07:16 PM EDT
Credit: MTV
S2 E7

Someone has been murdering! But who? Who has been murdering? Is it you? Do you murder? Is it me? To the best of my knowledge I have not been murdering, but anything is possible. I feel like we can figure this out. Who has been doing all the murdering? Sometimes I think we will one day find out who has been murdering, but the philosopher in me wonders if maybe not knowing who has been doing the murdering is the true answer. But then again, quick question: Who done it? Who done all the murdering?

This week’s episode of Scream was entitled “Let the Right One In” and I for one am grateful it was named after the original Swedish film rather than the American remake Let Me In. The Swedish one has this incredible scene in which a local gal is attacked by CGI cats. A lot of people think that scene is “dumb” or “stupid” and that’s probably why it was not included in the remake. But if it is so “dumb” and “stupid” then why do I still think about it A LOT? Why is that my favorite moment from that particular film? At least it wasn’t boring! Memorable beats boring any day.

Anyway, let’s talk about this episode of Scream.

Hold the phones, especially the ones with vocoder apps: This cold open was genuinely great! It was just a wordless sequence of Eli making himself some toast and placing his shoes on the kitchen counter and also wearing creepy aviator sunglasses. A normal morning for anyone, really. But then, wait a sec, this wasn’t the double-wide he’d been living in. It was too nice! That’s because this wasn’t his home…

That’s right, he’d been doing what Manson Family buffs call “creepy crawling” by sneaking around in someone else’s house while they were sleeping. Oh, and brandishing a knife as he did it. In my opinion Eli is a creep, but that is just my opinion, please do not flame me for it.

Meanwhile the Sheriff showed up at Emma’s house because her I.P. address had been used to send some bogus emails from a dead girl’s account. But as Chill Mom™ pointed out, Emma is no criminal mastermind. She is not a mastermind at anything except looking vaguely confused always and also seeming deeply disinterested in how her boyfriend spends his free time. Those things she is great at. Planning elaborate murders, not so much.

Even though Noah distrusted Audrey enough to secretly record her confession, he was still cool with her sleeping in his bed. The next morning they woke up and seemed to be close friends again. Next stop: The Grindhouse, where a sudden run-in with Zoe got Noah all horny again. Even with a murderer on the loose targeting his friends, Noah was still just a teenage boy with urges, please try not to hate.

If you thought Emma was ticked at Kieran for ratting her out about possessing a dead guy’s phone, you should’ve seen how mad she was about this I.P. address thing, which he again caused. She was medium ticked! (Who can tell?) Anyway, Kieran’s plotline has been suspiciously boring this season and he basically only showed up in this episode to pretend to fix a car and, like, murder people seem jealous about Emma flirting with his cousin. Doesn’t matter.

At least Brooke was feeling a strong emotion lately. Specifically it was stress about having tied up and terrorized her former lover, Mr. Branson. And because Audrey didn’t have a ton going on, she immediately signed up to be her wing-woman in sorting this mess out.

After Emma had admitted to the Sheriff that she’d investigated an empty farm house and found creepy childhood photos of herself, he went and poked around in the place himself. And wouldn’t you know it, he also found a creepy childhood photo of Emma! But this time the adult pictured with her had had his or her face scratched out. Very heartwarming.

But seriously, that photo wasn’t even the creepiest thing in that place. There’s something truly terrifying about a kitchen that doesn’t have a stove but does have a food processor. What kind of terrible ghoul had been living here??

It was then time for Noah’s date with Zoe, and she had a whole day planned. It involved hanging out by the lake and also LYING. She just straight up lied to him about having been absent from school the previous semester to attend a SpaceX program. Except Noah had applied to the same program, and it had NOT happened during the months she mentioned. When called out, Zoe backtracked and admitted that she’d had a troubled adolescence or whatever. Also she was still a beautiful lady, so Noah wasn’t too mad about the lie. Teens!

When Brooke and Audrey finally arrived at the hotel room where Brooke had left a handcuffed Mr. Branson, she was chagrined and perturbed to discover that he was gone! But rather than feel scared or even confused, Brooke mostly just felt annoyed. How dare he escape those novelty sex handcuffs? The nerve!

But of course WE knew that there had been a be-handing and stump cauterization (ugh, the smell in that room) and Mr. Branson was probably not having a great day wherever he was. But what was this beside the coffee maker? A camera! Which had a bright red flashing light, making it invisible to the naked eye. The killer had filmed Brooke entering the empty bedroom, but why? Probably not worth losing sleep over.

NEXT: Lake wood

Back at the lake, Noah had changed into his swimwear and now felt as vulnerable and objectified as, like, many women most of the time.

That’s when Zoe emerged in a bikini and they mouth-attacked each other. Young love!

Meanwhile at Grindhouse, Eli was picking up on the vibe that Emma was fighting with Kieran, so he took the opportunity to flirt with her and yank at her apron a lil…

Just in time for Killer Kieran to walk in the door and see it! He just sorta grumbled and exited again. We’ve all been there. (Where YOU been Kieran?)

Then Noah went to a Walgreens and tried to buy condoms. A kindly grandmother type asked him what size he needed, but the scene cut away before he could answer. It goes without saying that this grandmother woman is now my favorite character and definitely the best character on Scream the TV series so far.

Oh jeez, this psychology teacher. So this lady had been straight-up stalking Emma, even jumping out at her at work and also secretly recording every conversation they’d ever had. But just because a character acts shady doesn’t mean they’re the killer! Next thing we knew, she was receiving a phone call from UNKNOWN and was being tormented by a wind-up pig toy in the hallway. Also, in 12 silent seconds, her entire office got destroyed when her back was turned. Oh great, not only was there a killer on the loose, there’s also a poltergeist? Unfair.

Anyway, then the killer popped out and showed the teacher a crusty severed hand. She was like, “I don’t want it,” and the killer chased her anyway!

That’s when she stumbled upon Mr. Branson, who, you guessed it, was not dead! Like I said last week, this show streeeeeetches out deaths so that it can keep the body count frustratingly low. Which meant that in this episode Mr. Branson was basically Mr. Bill, just getting stabbed and manhandled right and left!

Unfortunately for the psychology teacher, after putting up an admirable fight, the killer threw her off the stairs and she landed head-first on the tile. For multiple reasons this was going to be a major bummer for the janitor who discovered her.

Between moving Mr. Branson’s body, terrorizing the psychology teacher, and luring Audrey and Brooke to this crime scene, the killer certainly put in a lot of time and effort! Hopefully his or her perfectly combed hair didn’t get messed up in the process!

NEXT: Burning down the house

In one last bit of shadiness that more or less confirmed she isn’t the killer, Zoe went through Noah’s computer and found the audio file where Audrey confessed to luring Piper to town. And then she emailed it to herself! The perfect crime. Let’s hope Noah never looks in his “sent” folder, otherwise he might have to rethink his sex life.

But not yet! He had made a decision to lose his virginity and that was happening.

Which was why Audrey immediately barged in. To her credit, she had been calling both Noah and Zoe all day and they’d consistently sent her to voice mail. What was a bicurious bestie to do? So yeah, that’s why Audrey was suddenly standing in his bedroom trying not to reflex gag. But she had important news: Their psychology teacher had mashed her skull on the hallway floor! Of course she was still alive, though; this show would never let a character die without at least five or six painful death scenes.

The final sequence centered on Eli’s attempts to get Emma to “cheer up” and “have fun” for once. This meant, you guessed it, creepy crawling in an abandoned suburb! He called it “Goldilocks-ing,” and despite it being a horrifying concept, Emma just sorta laughed and punched his shoulder. What a rascal.

Goldilocks-ing might be a cute name, but it gets a lot less cute when there are MUTILATED BODIES in the bathroom. This was in the model home the two teens had broken into to drink wine and flirt. Thank goodness those air fresheners were there, otherwise this wouldn’t have been a sexy scenario at all.

But when it came down to it, despite Eli’s best efforts to mouth-attack Emma, she was just not in the mood. She “loved” Kieran and was not interested in being in a love triangle with two cousins. This show might be filmed in Louisiana, but it wasn’t SET there.

Before Eli could sufficiently pout at the rejection, guess what happened? THE HOUSE BURNED DOWN. It just straight-up burst into flames and they had to escape! Which was fine for them, but what about Mr. Branson, whose eyes suddenly blinked open?

Man, that guy just can’t catch a break.

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“Let the Right One In” was another episode of Scream, but it had the advantage of being a late-season episode and it was starting to feel like things were actually happening? By process of elimination it’s pretty clear who the killer is by now, but you should draw your own conclusions. I guess the next big question is what exactly was that photograph of Emma about? And what’s her father been up to, besides being the resident red herring? I guess we better keep tuning in!

What did YOU think of “Let the Right One In”?

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