Dean Munsch takes on the Chanels as hospital employees while a new killer emerges to get revenge
Welcome back to the wonderful world of the Kappas, where the Red Devil terrorized their Chanel-and-pumpkin-spice-obsessed bubble. With our “final girls” Chanel Oberlin (Emma Roberts), Chanel #5 (Abigail Breslin), and Chanel #3 (Billie Lourd) behind bars for their purported murders, we jump forward three years to see how the rest of the survivors are holding up.
However, before we see what’s kicking with the Chanels, we have to step back into the past of our hospital setting. Picture it: a dark and stormy Halloween night, where goblins, ghouls, and completely insane people can flourish in the open air. A sadistic hospital employee, played by Jerry O’Connell, joins his hook-up for a little game of “let’s dump a dead (perhaps?) body into the water.” His cohort reminds him that someone may have seen the deed being done, and he should throw away his costume so no one could identify the killer. Without a thought, he throws his green cape and matching devil mask into the water, sending the body into a watery grave. Remember the water part… it’s important.
Now, in 2016, Dean Munsch, ahem, I mean Doctor Munch is the pinnacle of feminism. Gracing the cover of TIME magazine, hosting her own TED talks, and creating the program CURE are just a few of the accomplishments she’s made since leaving the Deaning life. Her idea of a progressive and safe world is curing the diseases that even the most accomplished doctors don’t want to touch. Munsch starts her own hospital because knows that she’ll need a crack team at her disposal to keep herself in the spotlight. What better way to move forward than look back though? She visits Zayday Williams (Keke Palmer), who is busting her heels through a waitressing job to pay off her medical school loans. Like a phantom from the past, Munsch steps back into Zayday’s life and offers the former Kappa a prestigious spot in her cabinet of doctors.
It wouldn’t be a complete return to form without the Chanels though, would it? In a timely reference, the former HBICs of Kappa House were exonerated of their alleged crimes through a Netflix documentary, à la Making a Murderer, known as Entrap a Kappa Kappa: Murder on Sorority Row. Footage from the award-winning documentary is shown to reveal that Officer Denise Hemphill (Niecy Nash) is still kicking, but this time she’s taking justice into her hands on the witness stand. Using her own personal footage, Denise was able to coax a complete admission of guilt from former Chanel wannabe and Red Devil Hester Ulrich (Lea Michele). Even though Hester pulls “double jeopardy” as her defense, Denise is a step ahead, solidifying the Chanels’ release from prison. In true Poltergeist fashion the only way to describe the return of this beautifully sinister trio is, “They’re heeeeeere.”
Chanel knows her dedicated followers want to know what life after bars looks like for someone so young, and thankfully she delivers. #5 takes a job as a receptionist for a children’s dentist, but that’s most likely just so she can get a discount on work for her vagina teeth. #3 takes on a whole new level of weird, serving as a janitor for a men’s fertility clinic. As for the main Chanel, her love for blood sent her into the nursing field, where she excels on poking people with needles and setting them up for extreme pain. Seems pretty fitting for someone who murdered a housekeeper last season as a joke.
NEXT: Meet the hunky new doctors and prepare for a blood splatter fest
The connections between all of these soap opera characters doesn’t come into full view until the rest of the hospital staff is introduced. Munsch didn’t start her practice empty-handed, and the two hunky doctors who currently run the program under her tutelage are introduced. Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner) and Dr. Brock Holt (John Stamos) may be different in age, but their handsome looks and sharp wits in the medical field keep them on everyone’s radar. When Zayday finally meets her new colleagues, she’s a little less than impressed; especially after learning that Holt has someone else’s hand attach to his wrist. See, Super Bowl 49 is a sore subject for Holt, due to his hand being split open after his drunken buddy flipped on the garbage disposal. His hand looks mysteriously similar to his old hand, but it tends to have a mind of its own. This doesn’t stop Holt from taking credit for all of his successful surgeries though, including the operation that separated the Hemsworth brothers. “They’re not twins,” says Zayday. “That’s why it was so hard,” retorts Holt. As for Cascade, his chilly exterior doesn’t just begin and end with his personality. The sexy doctor suffers from a mysterious condition that leaves him permanently cold to the touch. “I envy ice, at least if you give it heat, it melts.”
With this treasure trove of crazy for Zayday to work with, she points out that Munsch’s platform for feminism doesn’t seem to ring true in her own hospital, with Zayday being the only female doctor in sight. “Feminism is just so boring,” blurts Munsch. The former Dean does see her new employees point though, and this is where she offers the Chanel trio a chance to make themselves look good in the social spotlight again. Their only service in the hospital is to “ghost,” which according to Munsch means that they are to stand by to be seen and not heard.
With the hospital’s legitimacy on the line, curing a new patient (Cecily Strong) who suffers from a strange disease that causes masses of hair to grow all over her body becomes the focus of the entire team. Zayday knows of an experimental procedure where a hole can be drilled into the front portion of the skull to keep the hair from growing. “Just sign it, Sasquatch!” yells Chanel at the nervous patient who’s hesitant to sign a release form for her lobotomy. Before Zayday can save the day, Chanel sees this as an opportunity for her and her two cohorts to truly stand out in the medical field and hopefully earn their own reality TV show. Checking the patient’s strange diet, she and Dr. Holt notice that a large amount of Vitamin D is present, causing testosterone to pump into the “werewolf.”
The group decides to take on this less invasive approach to see if it works; Chanel believes she’s already won even though nothing has changed. Before she can become too celebratory, Chanel is confronted by Nurse Hawful (Kirstie Alley), who warns the leader that she doesn’t buy into her “good girl” image around the hospital. This doesn’t faze Chanel though, and she goes on her merry way. Thankfully for her, the plan to change the patient’s diet does work, however it causes her to lose all of her hair. Makeover time!! The Chanel’s immediately get to work, primping, painting, and pulling all of the assets that this newly cured woman needs to really stand out. After her makeover is complete, the patient decides to head out on the town to take her first Tinder profile pic, but Chanel reminds her not too get too carried away. “Side angle, good light, you’re still 15 pounds from a New Jersey six,” warns Chanel.
With victory in her hand, Chanel and #3 decide to hit the town on their own, leaving #5 forced to work the graveyard shift. She’s not alone though as she coaxes her new makeover client to take a searing hot therapy bath with her so they can de-stress. Without thinking, a skill that #5 seems to have locked in her brain, she traps herself and the patient in the machine, leaving their exposed heads open to the air. Suddenly, a mysterious figure in a sopping wet green suit enters the room, sharpening a homemade machete. Putting on a record to score the final moments, the Green Devil walks closer and closer to the trapped girls as green ooze falls from his shoulders and onto the floor. #5 screams bloody murder, and the patient begs for her life, but the Green Ghoul swipes off her head in one fell swoop.
In the final moments, the camera cuts to a shot of the Devil, taking one last swipe for blood. Is this the same body that was thought to be dead so many years before? Or is this someone taking their revenge on those who caused trouble in the Kappa house? With an entire season of mysteries to be solved, the unmasking of the killer won’t be for some time — and the bloody fun is just beginning.