Scream Queens finale recap: 'Drain the Swamp'
Here we are, the season 2 finale of Scream Queens! While there’s been a pile of bodies big enough to fill two swamps, the death isn’t over, even in the episode’s final moments. With only two killers left and the number of victims dwindling down to basically just the Chanels, it’s only a matter of time before one of them bites the dust. Get ready for a fast-paced ending to the hospital story, full of blood, redemption, and even a reincarnation.
Batter up! The last unimportant Chanel didn’t hold up against the wrath of the Green Meanie, in this instance played by Nurse Hawful. Using a pitching machine, Hawful sends countless baseballs down the hallway to impale Chanel, but hits #Whatever in the face instead. Thankfully for #3, she got away from her attacker Dr. Cascade, as his infatuation for her is slowly changing his original allegiance to his mom to the idea of new love. Hawful sees this betrayal from her fellow killer-in-arms and decides he’s in the running for her next victim — after she takes care of her Chanel.
While the rest of the group pretends the Green Meanie issue has been taken care of, Hester professes her love for Holt, demanding he drop everything and run away to Blood Island with her so they can spend their days murdering tourists and doing the nasty all night long. At first, Holt seems terrified of this proposition, but the more he thinks about it and the more Hester lays on the sexual innuendos, he comes around to the idea. Of course, Holt has also been giving Chanel the love eyes for quite some time. I thought they were dating, no? Regardless, Chanel believes Holt is ready to propose to her — when he’s really going to tie the knot with Munsch to get closer to her assets for help carrying out his renegade plan with Hester.
Just like that, the wedding is set and everyone plans to attend. I guess they don’t really have a choice, as it seems to happen later that day in one of the hospital hallways. For another surprise, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy officiates the wedding, which basically just comes down to Holt and Munsch signing the papers and doing the ceremonial kiss to seal the deal. With Munsch on the ropes and only weeks away from death, Hester and Holt know they can take her money and funnel it into their murder marriage. What they didn’t account for, though, is the latest medical marvel: Chanel #5.
#5 believes she can actually cure Munsch’s apparently terminal illness by performing an awake brain surgery. We don’t know how she comes to this conclusion, but her ability to ace the MCATs without any help sort of gives her the right to hypothesize. Basically, Munsch would have her head numbed but remain awake during surgery so she can tell the doctors if they’re hitting an area they shouldn’t be. Now, I’m just a writer, but I don’t believe this is actually something that can be done. Alas, everyone signs off on the plan except for Munsch, who would rather not spend her last few weeks alive as a vegetable. She eventually comes around to the idea, though.
Each of Holt’s lovers has their own plan to finally get rid of Munsch, and opportunity strikes for both of them with the recent announcement of this miraculous surgery. First up, Hester isn’t willing to live a life killing people without Holt by her side, and in her mind, taking care of Munsch by having Holt slip his knife a bit too deep into her brain will do the trick. On the flip side, Chanel leans on her favorite necessity — the pumpkin spice latte — as her weapon of choice against Munsch. She plans to trip and throw the scalding-hot beverage on Munsch’s exposed brain, but as #5 points out, that won’t really do anything since the heat will just kill any bad bacteria around it. Chanel pulls a Chanel and listens to her own internal monologue, so during the actual surgery, she chucks the drink toward Munsch’s unsuspecting head. Sadly, Hawful gets in the way to spoil her plan. (Well, sadly in the sense that Chanel doesn’t succeed in something she put her mind to. We’re all happy Munsch is still alive.)
In true Scream Queens fashion, all of this hoopla does absolutely nothing to improve Munsch’s condition. So, they do what they should’ve done from the beginning and call the man she ate the supposed brains with during her mecca. It turns out she didn’t actually eat human brains — just lamb brain at a party. Severe dehydration has caused her health decline and simply drinking more water will fix all of her problems. That was easy! To celebrate, Hawful invites everyone to the basement to have a nice glass of champagne. In an extremely rushed and goofy twist, they all end up in a giant cage fashioned by Hawful, who locks the door and holds them all at gunpoint. She reveals a giant bomb set to detonate in 10 minutes and blow them all to smithereens.
While this news isn’t too exciting or surprising — I mean, she’s been trying to kill people all season — she does drop some new info we didn’t know. The reason she’s been itching to kill the Chanels goes back to season 1 and the Kappa house. Hawful reveals her last name is actually Bean — an important bit of intel because Agatha Bean was the name of the maid Chanel murdered in season 1. She was Hawful’s sister!
Losing her sister in such a tragic way messed with Hawful, and she made it her life’s mission to take out each Chanel — and even Munsch for not punishing them following the murder. Before it all seems hopeless, Zayday appears with Jane to stop Hawful from following through with her plans. Jane praises the hospital for the work it’s been doing and urges Hawful to stop her murderous plot, but Hawful instead shoots her in the chest and locks Zayday and Jane in with the rest of them.
Cascade rushes to his mom’s side, but her wound is too severe to be treated. Revealing he was truly the good one in her life, Jane slips away for her long slumber — and Cascade knows he has to step up to save the rest of the gang. With no sign of escaping, the personified McGuffin of salvation thankfully appears: Det. Denise Hemphill! Awaking from her cryogenic slumber, Denise saunters into the room just in time to diffuse the bomb and remind everyone just how badass she is. Go ahead, mama!
The group chases Hawful outside and surrounds her, making sure she knows she has nowhere to run. Hawful chucks a machete at the group, but Cascade jumps in the way to save them all. With an equally fatal wound, he again professes his love for #3, who is too in shock to realize what’s happening before her. As he finally slips away, the gang converges one last time on Hawful, who literally digs her own grave by falling into the quicksand swamp she created. Thanks to her murderous nature, no one really thinks saving her would make sense — well, except for Munsch’s failed attempt — so Hawful bubbles away, never to be heard from again.
So that’s that! In a final update, we learn the hospital gains notoriety due to the hardworking #5 and Zayday, while Hester steals all of Munsch’s money and runs off to Blood Island with Holt. Not completely heartbroken, Munsch opens her own sex-therapy practice in Aspen for women over 50, earning her the credibility she’s always wanted and giving her a chance to see new sights.
As for Chanel, she finally gets her own TV show — which, of course, focuses on her as a doctor of medicine and emotions. In the episode’s final moments, Chanel walks to her car after a long day’s work only to feel the chill of something sinister in the air. She notices a small Kappa pin on the seat next to her — and suddenly, the silhouette of the Red Devil appears in her backseat. The past is back, baby.