Scream Queens recap: Pumpkin Patch
Black Hairy Tongue Disease will have to find a new patron.
The race for president is heating up. The race for Kappa Kappa Tau president, that is. (Sorry, Hilz, you’ll have to sit this debate out.) And despite being stuck in a pit, it-puts-the-lotion-in-the-basket style, Zayday is running a formidable campaign against the incumbent, Chanel.
Not that the boss bitch isn’t putting up a fight — Chanel’s charity pumpkin patch to aid Black Hairy Tongue Disease has everything: artisanal gourds, statues peeing vodka and Red Bull, the maze from The Shining, and both Fergies. And the finishing touch? The Chanels dressed up as the wives of fallen presidents, with Chanel as a bubblegum Jacqueline Kennedy. But No. 5, fresh off a tongue-lashing due to her inability to reunite Led Zeppelin, abhors her assigned First Lady, Mary Todd Lincoln, and stomps off in a huff.
But petulant sorority sisters should be the least of Chanel’s worries. Dean Munsch gathers KKT and the Dollar Scholars for an important announcement: She’s closing down campus. On the biggest candle night of the year! (And despite a rousing speech from Chad, in which he quotes our beloved 60th president John F. Kennedy Jr.) Chanel, always the problem solver, uncovers a loophole and emails the student body to let them know that the pumpkin patch is still on—for 12:01 a.m. on Nov. 1.
Perhaps sensing Chanel’s weakened position, No. 6 begins recruiting co-eds for her scheme to become Zayday’s Dick Cheney. Her first enlistee? Jennifer, whom she flips by revealing Chanel’s closet full of once-used-and-now-abused Diptyque candles. (FYI, those suckers retail for 60 bucks a pop at Barneys.)
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Cut to the police arresting Chanel during math class for the murder of Ms. Bean. Chanel: “Oh my God, I’m burping uncontrollably like Robert Durst.”
Grace sees Chanel’s Orange Is the New Black episode as an opening to rally the sisters to find Zayday. But No. 3, being the next in line numerically, is in charge and feeling ambivalent. Undeterred, Grace, with Pete following, goes looking for her dad. Except, well, he’s ending his salad date with Gigi in a bed of, uh, not lettuce. Like, a regular bed. They’re making out to “Black Velvet,” and it’s thousand islands of awkward when Grace walks in. (Can’t you keep it in your pants while kids are being murdered, Dad!?) Grace’s final stop is Dean Munsch’s office, where she narrowly misses a conversation between the Dean and Denise, in which the security professional utters the lines: “I slept with Chad, too, and it was amazing” and “You’ve got the right to remain sexy.” Anyway, Munsch has enlisted Denise to help track down Zaday. (Or, as Denise would tell it, to apprehend Zayday, seeing as she believes her to be the killer.)
NEXT: Brother, may I?
With her time behind bars come to an end — thanks to a bail out by No. 3 and Predatory Lez — Chanel returns to Kappa House to confront No. 5, who she believes is the narc. Chanel finds her dressed as Jackie, too, and orders her to go light the Jack-o’-Lanterns — even though the Red Devil is likely lurking. When No. 5 refuses, Chanel employs a certain Dora the Explorer-flavored sex tape as leverage. Horrified, No. 5 heads out with the two sides of her Eiffel Tower, Roger and Dodger, in tow. And when the Red Devil — unsurprisingly — makes an appearance wielding gardening sheers, the brothers force No. 5 to choose between them. Loser Dodger literally has his guts ripped out.
But returning to Operation Zayday, Grace finally has the sense to track Zayday’s iPhone, which leads Grace, Pete, Gigi, Denise, and Wes to a basement apartment rented out by a kindly old woman. The group searches what turns out to be the Red Devil’s lair, but when Grace stumbles upon and opens the pit door, she finds nothing inside. It’s then that the lights go out, and the Red Devil straps on his night vision goggles à la Buffalo Bill. Chaos ensues. Denise tases Gigi, who in turn tases the Red Devil. Denise runs to get the others, but when she returns, the Red Devil has disappeared.
And as it so happens, Zayday has escaped her flower-gifting, Oakland-nacho-preparing kidnapper (admirer?) just in time because Chanel has called for a vote for Kappa president, despite her competitor’s absence. And hot on Zayday’s heels is Grace, who’s just happy to see her friend alive. “You shouldn’t worry about me,” says Zayday. “I’m like black Die Hard.” And while the girls cast their votes, the scene cuts to Gigi walking through the darkened campus with the Red Devil, seemingly unbeknownst to her, following closely behind. Except, she slows down. And turns. Because they’re…in cahoots! “He’s gotta go,” she commands. But which he?
Prime Suspects: So, obviously, Gigi takes the place of Wes on my Most Wanted List. Is it safe to say that she and Boone are the Red Devils? Or does that feel too easy? Is she just upper management, while Boone and another killer fulfill her demands? If that’s the case, how would she know which killer was behind the mask at any given time? It sounded as though she knew exactly who she was talking to in those closing moments. Or maybe she considers them one entity? So many questions. Leave your theories in the comments below.