With an ominous episode title like “Chainsaw,” there are only so many scenarios one can imagine unfolding during an episode of Scream Queens — and Chanel No. 1 dating a lumbersexual is not one of them. So it is that the school’s new mascot, Coney, meets an untimely end thanks to the power-tool wielding Red Devil. (I have to say, as a former Dairy Queen employee, I’ve demolished my fair share of ice creams, but never in such a wanton, disrespectful manner. RIP, Coney. We hardly knew you.)
You could say the soft-serve mascot was partly inspired by an unfortunate genital-tasing incident involving Grace, cool ranch chips, and Eugene from PoliSci — a series of events which led Dean Munsch to enact several dubious measures to safeguard campus. Another one? Moving into Kappa House with Gigi to keep an eye on the girls. Except, the sorority’s one sister short, and they don’t even realize it. No. 2’s death is still largely a secret, despite her body going missing from the deep freezer. Chanel, maybe it’s time to give Public Storage a call. The first month is only a dollar!
Anyway, when none-the-wiser Grace and Zayday go looking for No. 2 in her bedroom all they find is a stained carpet. Is it bulimia? Sizzurp? Nope, it’s blood. Arby’s-loving security guard Denise Hemphill is sure of it, and proves it with luminol. (Zayday: “You telling me you don’t carry a gun but you carry around a bottle of that stuff?!”) Denise thinks it’s mighty suspicious no one is looking for No. 2, especially given her recent tweet about being murdered. (For their part, the Chanels told the pledges No. 2 had a mental breakdown and moved back home.) Further confusing matters is No. 2’s incessant Instagramming. But with her awkwardly splayed limbs and face-obscuring frames in the pics, it’s pretty clear someone is Weekend at Bernie’s-ing her. When Grace and Zayday pay a visit to No. 2’s parents (a.k.a. Cordelia from Buffy and Creepy Pharmacist from Desperate Housewives), they suspect No. 2 is off somewhere on a bender. Oh, and they let slip that she was dating Chad. Chanel’s Chad. Who, apparently, was “porking” all of the Chanels. Gross.
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Yet, despite his dimwittedness (or perhaps because of it), douchey Chad is the catalyst for a couple of significant events this episode:
1. He somehow breaks up with Chanel for again (did they ever actually get back together?), once again over her ugly pledge class. Question: How many episodes will we have to endure some variation on this misogynistic speech? Chanel, of course, takes his words to heart and decides to make over Hester after she finds her violating her “closet vag.” Hester’s always been a fashion girl at heart, you see — until the scoliosis. Kneck Brace emerges from Chanel’s second vagina in a pretty pink frock, newly dubbed Chanel No. 6.
2. Inspired by Munsch’s Take Back the Night rally, Chad decides to pull a reverse Take Back the Night: He and his Dickie Dollar Scholars will ‘roid up, arm themselves with baseball bats, and roam the streets yelling the Red Devil’s name until he/she comes out to fight them. (More on the outcome in just a minute.)
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Now, I’d bet the few designer duds I have hanging in my own closet vag that Chad isn’t smart enough to be the killer (or even the killer’s accomplice), but Grace isn’t so sure. In fact, she thinks there’s a possibility Chad could be Bathtub Baby, back to seek revenge. She runs her theories by gumshoe-barista Pete, who’s found a clue of his own: a transcript from a woman named Greenwell who dropped out of school 20 years ago just two credits shy of graduation. Suspicious. She lives only six hours from campus, so you know what that means: road trip!
Which brings us back to Chad and his (boy)band of marauding vigilantes. Their siren song — “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” — does indeed lure the Red Devil out. But it works too well, luring two Red Devils. Two chainsaw-armed Red Devils. And in a game of Rochambeau, chainsaw always beats wooden bat. The final body count: One frat bro dead (having lost both arms protecting Chad) and a (seemingly unconscious) Chad lying in the street. He’s not dead, right?
Back at KKT, an over-zealous Denise makes an arrest, handcuffing Zayday (a “person of extreme murderous interest”) to the wheel of her cruiser. Her evidence:
1. Zayday was planning to run against Chanel for Kappa president.
2. Zayday had in her possession a CD from Best Buy. Purchased at the same Best Buy where now-deceased Shandell worked.
3. Zayday has been tweeting accomplice plot suggestions to the EP of How to Get Away With Murder. #Cahoots
4. Zayday has a chainsaw under her bed.
Denise: Lousy security guard, excellent burier of leads. Zayday explains that she only has the chainsaw because her grandmother sent it to replace the Taser, and Denise seems satisfied with that reasoning and releases her.
And despite a duo of Red Devils mutilating the campus’ co-eds, inside the house we find Dean Munsch and Gigi tucking themselves into bed, ready for their beauty rest. Munsch has helpfully brought her white-noise machine bursting with a catalog of “soothing” sounds, including “whale distress calls,” “baboon attack,” and “slasher movie.” She sets it to the latter (dun, dun, DUN), forcing Gigi to retreat downstairs to the couch for a bit of peace and quiet. But, as you could probably predict, she no sooner rests her head on the pillow before the serial killer appears in the foyer. Grace’s dad, Wes, (whose film analysis lecture on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is likely to blame for these power-tool-powered turn of events) waits outside for his daughter’s return, intercedes, and scares the Red Devil off. Munsch is the last one to descend the stairs to investigate, so of course, she’s Suspect No. 1. Too easy.
Prime Suspects: Despite Chanel No. 3 asking Sam to be her alibi, I think Wes is the most suspicious character in this episode. After all, isn’t he the one who muses “Aren’t we all running from the chainsaws in our past?” Is his chainsaw a Bathtub Baby? Or maybe he’s avenging his college girlfriend who died giving birth in a bathtub? I’m not sure how or why, but I’m guessing Wes and Boone are in #cahoots.
Until next week, leave your thoughts and theories in the comments!