If there's one rule of thumb, it's that maybe you should bring a gun to Christmas weekend
Wreck the Halls
Credit: CBS
S3 E11
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Oh, buddy. We have seen some business this season on Scorpion. Though we’re not here every week recapping, if there’s one group of geniuses (and Paige) that requires a periodic check-in, it’s Team Scorpion.

Rocket-ship love confessions, immigration-based marriages, a false-alarm pregnancy, and (of course) the most brilliant cookie-sandwich scheme since those damn Girl Scouts conned me into buying 12 boxes of Samoas. (Okay, I actually have a problem, but that’s for a different place and time.) So, we should be safe, right? It should be a calm winter finale, right? Our precious Ralph should have nothing to worry about and Shadow Cabe will chill out and let Waige be in love and I won’t have to decode some crazy science term Paige and I heard for the first time a couple minutes ago, right? RIGHT?

Probably not.

Last time we caught up with the gang, Walter was breaking ties with Paige’s con-mom and Shadow Cabe was looking to lock in his position permanently. And don’t get me wrong — we all love Tim Armstrong in our own way, but we don’t need him getting in the way of true love. Fortunately, with all the issues this group creates for itself, we can at least depend on Quintis at this point — no matter how things shake out with Waige. Team Scorpion is heading to the mountain, unplugged, this Christmas. You read that right: Scorpion unplugged. Even Walter has agreed to the gadget-free Christmas-getaway terms.

Elsewhere, before heading to the cabin, Sly and Happy are working on his campaign dressed in Santa and elf costumes. It’s not Happy’s favorite look, but she’s game; she’s become even more lovable this season than she was before. Of course, she’s still Happy, which means as soon as Sly is out of sight, she dumps all her candy canes meant for the voters into one guy’s car. Oh, Happy. While they finish up campaign work, the rest of Team Scorpion goes to the mountain cabin to set up for a Very Scorpion Christmas. Walter, Cabe, Shadow Cabe, and Ralph head off into the woods.

Walter and Tim split up to cut down a tree, but per usual, it’s never easy. In the middle of passive-aggressive arguing, the two of them stumble upon a group of gunrunners threatening a man’s life. To create a distraction and hopefully save him, they set off an explosion with a can of bug spray. Before it goes off, though, the man goes rogue and hits his captors with a shovel. The remaining gunrunner shoots the man as he heads for Walter and Tim, but they manage to escape. Cabe and Ralph find the trio, and low and behold… The escapee is an undercover agent named Sam that Cabe vaguely knows. Such a popular guy, that Cabe. But as they’re escaping, it seems the real problem is at the cabin…speaking of, let’s catch up with those guys.

Cabin-side, Toby and Paige are working on cookies for Happy’s arrival. Making cookies can’t just be making cookies, though, which is why Paige asks Toby for his assessment on the Tim/Walter drama. Toby paints it like it is: Tim is staying for Paige, but Walter loves her. It’s nothing we don’t know. They’re interrupted by Sly and Happy arriving in costume, which is apparently what Toby is into. To make the cabin more perfect for Happy, Toby stokes the fire, but the smoke catches the attention of the gunrunners. The team makes it back to the cabin before the gunrunners get there, but they aren’t far behind.

Walter has Paige try to lure a gunrunner into the cabin (you know, maybe this is one reason why Paige isn’t into this long term?), but he gets spooked by Cabe’s government license plates. With the team having a wireless weekend, they must break into Walter’s gift for Paige: a laptop. You can tell Paige hasn’t been that excited since Katharine McPhee won her Lip Sync Battle against Jason Derulo!

The plan is to use the laptop to build a two-way radio. As Sly puts it together, they assemble a series of traps for the cabin, Home Alone-style. While they build the traps for the armed assassins outside, Shadow Cabe takes the opportunity to call out Walter on his extravagant gift and tells him they were clearly never friends. It’s a pretty disastrous conversation that seems more suitable for a time when, you know, there’s not armed men outside. Just as Paige walks up, Walter tells Tim he’ll never be a real member of Scorpion. Happy and Sly get the radio set up and the team tries to call for help. It appears to be successful; unfortunately, it also catches the attention of the men outside.

But if anyone can set up some incredible science experiments to ruin our gunrunners’ day — all set to the soundtrack of “It’s Gonna Be a Kickass Christmas” — it’s Team Scorpion. One by one, they manage to take down their enemies. Naturally, they tie the bandits up with Christmas lights, but just when they think they’ve gotten all the gunrunners, Sam grabs Ralph and kidnaps him. He’s not a secret agent… He’s another gunrunner. So, Paige and Walter take off with Cabe and Toby behind them while Shadow Cabe and Happy stay behind to watch the other gunrunners. Fortunately, Ralph still has the knife he was given earlier and manages to cut himself free. Then, in an homage to the incredibly terrible Halle Berry/Abigail Breslin thriller The Call, Ralph climbs through the backseat, jimmies the latch, and reveals himself in the trunk. CLASSIC RALPH.

It seems this crew can’t keep from finding their way onto curvy roads with hairpin turns. They lead Sam down a road toward a tree, where they eventually manage to stop him and Ralph escapes. Cabe holds Sam at gunpoint and all is well. Back at the warehouse, Cabe permanently gifts the knife to Ralph. He wanted to give it to his grandson one day and this is his chance to do just that. But there’s no crying on Team Scorpion, so dry your tears. Toby is finally able to give Happy the present he got for her, and in return, Happy gives him a key fob that has a button with her saying “Attaboy” because she knows he needs it. That is love.

But let’s talk about Waige, because it’s the Christmas season and we deserve a little resolution. Standing in the tiny office Walter made him, Tim actively stands there swallowing his pride as Paige walks up and tells him to take the job in Jordan he was offered. If you thought that meant they’re breaking up, it doesn’t. Shadow Cabe says they’ll make it work and Skype every day, and they’ll still get the holidays together. It’s annoying, but it does leave quite the open window for Walter. With Shadow Cabe leaving, Happy, Toby, and Sly give him a heartfelt goodbye. Walter appears behind them and asks for a word with Tim — he tells Tim his departure is not necessary and he’s sorry. Tim tells Walter that Scorpion is Walter’s team and he made this decision on his own. And even though we love Waige, it’s hard to tell Shadow Cabe goodbye.

Maybe it’s his handsome looks and muscles — or his charm or the Christmas spirit — but it’s hard to see Tim go. Almost as hard as it is to know this is our last Scorpion until 2017… But we’ll always have the love of Quintis and the promise of more outrageous world-saving, and of course, Cabe’s terrible jokes. If the wait feels like it’s too long, just close your eyes and listen to Happy say it: Attaboy.

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