Credit: VH1; Inset: Alexander Tamargo/FilmMagic

Well, my darlings, as I believe Trinity said in this week’s episode, the “filler bitches” are falling by the wayside and things are getting real. Real shady. Real competitive. Real enter-tainting!

Alexis is shaken, and with good reason. She eeked her way out of being up for elimination after getting burned at the Michelle Visage roast. Trinity Taylor, I echo your sentiments: Why was Alexis f—ing green. Nina, girl, calm down. A drag conspiracy is not happening. If I may quote Cher Horowitz from Clueless, “Snap out of it!” Oh, and Alexis Michelle, I watch the show and even I don’t know what you meant by your snappy retort to Tamar Braxton last week. I guess it’s one of life’s great mysteries…

Now, I’ve done a few pilots in my day, so I was excited when the queens were tasked with making their own TV shows. But this is quite a daunting challenge. What’s next — land the space shuttle? A challenge like this can do one of two things: Bring out the very best or the very worst in the contestants.

Peppermint, Alexis and Trinity teamed up to create the Christian dramedy “Mother of Gay.” Alexis put on her bossy pants and was maybe a little too involved in the other girls’ roles. But Trinity’s sister, Mary Koont, is heavenly!

Sasha and Shea proved to be an awesome twosome in their seventies-inspired crime drama, “Teets and Asky.” I loved every second of it, but I did have a few questions. Could they be old enough to remember Kate & Allie? And where are the the espadrilles?

Now I adore Nina and Valentina, but these two needed to brush up on the five P’s: Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance! Their taping was a disaster of epic proportions. And while Valentina may have thought the laughter in the room was a good sign, it was for all the wrong reasons.

Then it was time for some Club Kid Realness on the main stage runway. I know this era very well. I moved to New York in 1991, when the big clubs like The Palladium, Club USA, The Tunnel, Limelight and The Roxy were in full swing. While I wasn’t a full-fledged party monster, I spent many a Monday morning conjuring a scratchy-throated voice to call in sick to work from the payphone in front of The Palladium. (Yes, payphone. Millennials, google it.) And I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that club kids had a huge impact on the worlds of drag and mainstream fashion. Thanks to the show for educating its viewers on this unique and formative era.

Side (eye) note: My hair and makeup is always fantastic (or at least the very best it can be for me) because on the show, we work with best in the biz (thanks, Jen and Hector!). But since it was a club kid runway challenge, I thought it would be a good idea to rock teal guy-liner, when in fact, it was actually a very bad idea. My pompadour wasn’t a really great idea, either. I looked like a queen who slept in her makeup. Well, you live and learn.

Now, in my opinion, a club kid should look really fun and scary at the exact same time. Peppermint did that best, with Trinity coming in as a close second by dressing like an STD. I was thrilled with Sasha and Shea’s well deserved win for their pilot presentation. It was smart and funny — just like them. One of those two could win the whole kit and caboodle.

Drama came to a head when Alexis basically whined that the extra work she put into bossing the girls around is what caused her performance to suffer. Just like a pair of Crocs, I’m not buying it. But the biggest shocker of the night came when Valentina had to lip synch for her life and did not remove her bedazzled red surgical mask. Nice try Valentina, but, duh — we need to see your lips when it’s time to lip synch for your life. And you also have to know the words.

I think Valentina never thought she’d be up for elimination, so perhaps that’s why she didn’t bother to commit Ariana Grande’s musical poetry to memory. I thought she would go all the way. But one Grande mistake like that can change everything.

Episode Recaps

RuPaul's Drag Race

RuPaul — as host, mentor, and creative inspiration — decides who's in and who's out.

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