The hookup we've been waiting for... Plus, meet Janine!

By Caitlin Brody
July 25, 2016 at 01:04 AM EDT
Credit: Neal Preston/Showtime
S1 E5
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  • Showtime

Shelli is in a deep dry spell that no amount of phone sex (or lack thereof) can fix. After all, you can’t exactly have hot, steamy phone sex with your husband when he’s…ya know…on Taylor Swift’s tour in outer space. The Wi-Fi connection sucks out there. But guess what? Sean is back from Tay Galaxy! And even better, Shelli and Sean will be closer than they’ve been in, well, way too long — the upcoming Staton-House show will be in their hometown of Denver.

It doesn’t seem to matter, though: Shelli leaves pleading messages on Sean’s voicemail that make me sad. She wants to see him, but he hasn’t returned any of her calls. Maybe he’s been pulled into a top-secret Taylor Swift / Kimye Snapchat recon meeting that has taken him away from his phone, or maybe Sean is just the worst. (He is.) To scratch her phone-sexless itch, Shelli watches Dead of Sex on her computer, a popular show (more on that later) in which a lack of consistent sex leads to fever and flesh erosion. Doomsday is near.

Cut to Bill entering Christopher’s dressing room. Something mystical is in the air — there’s going to be a supermoon tonight and Puna has warned the crew about looming darkness that might hit the band. Bill asks Christopher if he really wants to play “Janine” tonight, and proceeds to break the news that she called. Janine! The woman who broke Christopher’s heart and utterly destroyed him. Needless to say, Staton-House’s lead singer stops dead in his tracks. Turns out, Janine is now a nurse who lives in Boulder. Does Christopher want to see her? He’s been doing so well…

Instead of answering Bill, Christopher reminisces about his final moments with Janine. She was drinking grapefruit juice from a red Solo cup (hey, hey, college!) and told Christopher that while she was down to be second to his desire for self-loathing and success (um, okay?), she couldn’t be third to his need for drinking and drugs. That grapefruit-juice moment was so pivotal for Christopher, he held onto that Solo cup for years. They ultimately decide to give her a ticket, but no, I repeat, no backstage access. To deal with the emotional roller coaster that’s to come, Christopher asks Bill if he can dig up one of his lucky jackets from storage (otherwise known as the garage of Bill’s ex, Lorraine) for the show. Looks like both Christopher and Bill are going to have to face the ghosts of their romantic pasts.

As if Bill didn’t have enough on his plate, he still has his forever-quest to find an opener for Staton-House. But not to worry! Milo’s band Black Atlas can TOTALLY DO IT, but he’s really chill about it. After an experiment in bringing roughly .02 seconds of hope to Milo, Bill is all, never mind, Lucius will open.

Milo is pissed, and just like everybody else in the crew, he takes it out on Kelly Ann. Donna tells her Milo’s upset because he learned Kelly Ann and Reg were hooking up (false). Kelly Ann accuses Donna of spreading the lie because she can’t keep a secret (probably not false) — not even a fabricated one. The cattiness continues when Donna accuses Kelly Ann of wearing perfume, which means she must be into Reg. Remember, body odor is a consistent issue with the crew.

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Cut to Shelli, who’s so anxious over the impending arrival of her judgmental, SoulCycling sister in the audience, not to mention the fact that Sean isn’t showing up, and thus, she isn’t getting laid tonight (guess again!). And just like that, in walks a new crew member — one so perfectly coiffed, he looks like he walked off the set of Pretty Little Liars. Shelli is completely taken with him, and he’s here to help her with whatever she needs — which, firstly, will be the very sexy task of finding a space heater.

NEXT: Shelli gets lucky

Meanwhile, Cash-Money-Reg is on a mission to gather as many assets as he can to create a Staton-House box set. First in line to help with the task at hand is Mike Finger (played by Ely Henry, whom you may fondly remember as “homeschooled boy” in Mean Girls), an SH superfan who knows everything about the band.

In other rare settings that aren’t backstage at an arena, Bill shows up to Lorraine’s home. Upon seeing him, she immediately thinks something is wrong. Is he dying? Has he been drinking again? The answers to her inquiries are no and no. She doesn’t want any tears or apologies from Bill — she’s really happy and is at peace with everything. Bottom line, Bill, you’re done with and she doesn’t need you. Still, Lorraine lets Bill into her garage to find Christopher’s requested magic jacket. He gets nostalgic while going through old boxes and even finds Janine’s red Solo cup, wrapped as preciously as if it were a golden snitch. Between the dusty boxes and Bruce Springsteen playing in the background — not to mention an epic fall while reaching for the top shelf — Bill has a moment of clarity and decides it’s time to apologize for his past life. So he does what all mature and responsible men do: He writes his truth to Lorraine in huge crayon text on several brown paper bags.

Cut back to the stadium, where Reg is trying to find the mystical Janine in a crowd of people. Only one problem: He has no idea what she looks like. Janine hasn’t been seen or heard from in years (Facebook? Instagram? Twitter? You’re really telling me you’ve got nothin‘ on her?). A wispy brunette comes up to him and asks who he’s looking for. You guessed it! It’s Janine in the flesh, looking surprisingly business-casual considering her rocker-girlfriend past. Reg awkwardly fumbles over the fact that the band needs to leave right after the show, so she won’t be able to hang out backstage, and this plays like music to Janine’s ears.

Meanwhile, Shelli’s horniness is officially next level. After a bonding moment with Wes in which they discuss how they were tormented by their older siblings, they embrace in a hug that lasts far too long, and Wes is freaked at the thought of Shelli being into him. (Desperate times call for desperate measures.) Next up, it’s Pretty Little Liars-level hot dude (who, ages later, is still working on the space-heater situation… nobody said he was smart). Right as Shelli thinks she may get a hot hookup with this spry bro, he calls her “ma’am,” which is basically the one-word comparison to when it’s 4 a.m. and all of the lights turn on at a club. Not a good look.

Kelly Ann is on the lookout for Rick, who clearly needs to be on some sort of leash after last week, and is surprised to find him exactly where he should be — in his dressing room. There’s only one problem: Rick’s not exactly performance ready. Instead, he and his “flover” (that’s “friend-lover”) Natalie are dancing underneath a disco ball in their underwear with neon paint all over their bodies in some sort of Lunesta-Vicodin-beer-induced trance that’s only appropriate at Bonnaroo.

Back in the stadium, Reg and Janine (played by Joy Williams, formerly of The Civil Wars) are totally hitting it off, to the surprise of anyone who’s ever had any preconceived notions of Janine. Reg learns Janine is a hoarder — she still has all of the Staton-House recordings and journals from her Christopher days of yore. Could this be the makings of a box set? As if Reg couldn’t be any happier, he also learns she rescues horses, so they obviously exchange numbers. Reg has officially turned into the heart-eyed emoji.

Backstage, there’s about the 19th crisis of the night. Lucius is MIA, so it turns out Milo and Donna’s band will hit the stage after all. They’re feeling all the feelings (namely, freaking out) and right as they’re about to go on, in walks Lucius. They were late because they, too, were watching the alluring Dead Sex. Sorry, Milo. Here’s to hoping you catch a break one day…

After the show, which seems to have shockingly avoided any disasters, Bill finds Shelli backstage. “You asshole. You scared me!” she says, pointing to the fact that Bill was gone all day long, drawing on brown paper bags and whatnot. They start pushing each other in a “hey”-off, before pulling each other in for a tight hug. This one lasts a long time, but it’s not awkward. “You seem so alone,” she says. “You seem kind of alone, even though I know you’re not,” Bill responds. Shelli leans in and kisses his neck. Bill is confused by what’s happening and doesn’t quite know what to do, but that lasts for a millisecond, and soon enough, the two are full-on making out. They remove their clothes, bite each other’s fingers, and have sex. It finally happened. Tonight’s episode was a victory for us all.

Song of the Day: Funkadelic’s “Maggot Brain”

Live Performance: Lucius’ “Born Again Teen”

Roadies airs at 10 p.m. Sundays on Showtime.

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