Riverdale recap: Betty discovers Edgar Evernever's real mission

So the Farm just went from creepy to horrifying and … I kind of love it? I realize how insane this sounds but the idea that Edgar is doing all of this to steal organs is way more gratifying to me than him just doing it to be a creepy cult leader. He has a tangible — grossly so — mission, and I can get on board with that!! So, what I’m basically saying is that this entire Farm plot has taught me a lot about myself and not in a good way. But before we get even further into all that, let’s go through the three big stories this week.

Remember when Hiram physically wrestled a teenage boy into submission?! Well, now he’s decided to put aside all of the wrestling technique and just beat the crap out of that very same teen! And as terrible as teens are, and as much as I’d like to punch a teen (or two) in the face, let me remind you all that Hiram is a grown-ass man and is literally committing child abuse if Archie isn’t 18 yet, and I’m pretty sure he’s 17? And yet, THAT is not the thing that will land him behind bars.

Let me explain: Veronica, pissed off after finding out that her father still owns Pop’s and Le Bonne Nuit, decides it’s time to take down dear old dad. Her plan is simple: Have Archie challenge Hiram to a boxing match — again, he’s inviting him to commit child abuse — and give Hiram the idea to use Le Bonne Nuit as a gambling ring where people can bet on the match. Then, Veronica will bring in the feds and Hiram will be caught red-handed seeing as how he’s the owner of the establishment. Did I mention that Archie’s mother has a friend in the FBI because SURE.

Long story short, the plan works. Archie challenges Hiram while Hiram is doing business in a sauna, as one does, and Hiram encourages Veronica to let people bet on the fight. Then the feds swoop in and bust things just as Hiram is about to KILL ARCHIE. The two of them straight-up rip off their boxing gloves and decide to turn this into a brawl because they’re MEN — although one is a boy — and Hiram hits Archie super hard in the chest. He’s really truly trying to kill a child!

Thankfully, Veronica stops the fight just as FP storms in and arrests Hiram, although Veronica is the one to explain what he’s being arrested for? Pretty sure this would not hold up in court. Then again, if Hiram gets out of this one, just arrest him for child abuse! Case closed.

This story ends with Hiram, still shirtless because there is a God, behind bars as Veronica tells her father, “I won.” And yet, which guy does she want to celebrate that victory with? We find out when Archie shows up to tell her how he feels and finds that she and Reggie have decided to be together. So I’m sure Archie’s thrilled that he got his butt kicked for this woman.

While Archie is risking his life, Jughead is trying to solve the mystery of the Gargoyle King. But first, he has to solve the mystery of the Black Hood. Long story short, it is, in fact, Hal Cooper who cut off his own hand to fake his death. GREAT. Just when you thought that story was done.

When Betty tells Jug that she was handed an envelope at the prom that ultimately led to her being alone with the Gargoyle King, he traces the envelope back to little Ricky, who’s in the woods about to ascend when Jug stops him. But it seems Ricky now travels with the Lost Boys, a gang of crazed boy scouts?! I mean, okay? The scouts chase Jughead through the woods until Jug finds shelter at the bunker. But he isn’t the only one hiding out there: Ethel reveals that she was the one who sent the letter to Betty, and now she’s worried that the Gargoyle King is going to kill her for failing her mission.

Let Ethel explain: She had stopped playing G&G after Betty saved her from the false King, but now she’s met the real King, and he’s put her in charge of the Lost Boys. But apparently, the Gargoyle King is an idiot because Ethel’s already lost one of the boys. A Lost Boy is lost, get it?!

When she and Jug head off to find him, they run into stupid Captain Hook — otherwise known as Hal Cooper. Hal’s new thing? Dragging his hook everywhere as if it’s too heavy to lift and it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. In other words, this show has done it! It’s found a way to make Hal even MORE annoying!

But when Jug and Ethel (and that one Lost Boy) escape, they head to FP, and he agrees to protect the Lost Boys until they catch the King (and Hal). And to show her appreciation for Jug’s help, Ethel tells him the identity of the real Gargoyle King: Jason Blossom. Jug calls Betty, and she calmly tells her boyfriend not to overreact until he digs up Jason’s grave. But when he does … the coffin is empty.

Do I believe it? Not really. Do I wish the Gargoyle King would kill Hal with his own hook? Absolutely.

Now that Betty’s inside the Farm’s walls, she’s able to see more than she ever could before. And when Alice tells her that Betty tested positive for the “serial killer genes” when she was 8, Edgar offers to help her. His help comes in the form of hypnosis, and when he hypnotizes Betty, she comes face-to-face with Dark Betty, only her hair is still blond, which is the first sign that something’s not right. Clearly, someone didn’t watch season 1 because if they did, they’d know Dark Betty loves a wig!

Betty quickly realizes that Edgar is using sound to put her under hypnosis, so she puts some candle wax in her ears during their next session, which is where she realizes that “Dark Betty” is just Polly telling her that she’s a serial killer. But that’s not all Betty discovers. When Fang winces in pain during lunch, Betty learns all about the “procedure.” It seems Edgar’s methods are simple: He turns emotional pain into physical pain and then performs minor surgery to remove it. Fangs and Kevin have both had it done and Kevin’s got the (massive!) scar to prove it. To make matters worse, Toni is next in line.

Betty tries to tell everyone that Edgar’s hypnotizing them to cause them pain, but when Cheryl requests proof, Betty sets off to get just that. Her first stop? Evelyn’s room, where she’s getting dialysis because as a child her kidneys failed. Betty then realizes that Evelyn is getting the drugs one would get after an organ transplant. So yeah, Edgar is butchering his disciples!

Downstairs, Betty finds the operating room and furthermore, the freezer, where the Farm Harvest Program keeps the organs. Betty quickly steals a kidney and takes it to Cheryl’s room. How’s that for proof?! Cheryl then breaks in and stops Toni’s procedure. Cheryl then helps Toni escape, but she doesn’t make it out with her. As for Betty, she decides to save Kevin and Fangs for some stupid reason and instead, they drag her to the operating room. Betty then ends the episode being knocked out on Edgar’s operating table. Talk about child abuse!

As much as I hate Hal’s return and think this Hiram vs. Archie match is all kinds of insane, this episode did provide some answers, and as I mentioned earlier, I like Edgar having a motive. Now if only someone could fully explain the Gargoyle King of it all…

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• Chad Michael Murray teaches us how to be a cult leader, and otherRiverdale secrets