Welcome to another week in Riverdale, where it’s time for war! We’ve got a number of battles happening tonight: Jughead versus his mom, Betty versus the Farm, Hiram versus Hermione, and Archie versus anyone who messes with Mad Dog. That’s right, Mad Dog’s back! But we’ll get to that.
First, I have something truly shocking to share with you all: FP has realized that teenage gang members suck at police work! Can you imagine?! He’s got Tom Keller wasting his hot bod on training the Serpents, and things aren’t going well. Also not good at police work? FP, who doesn’t realize that there’s a war brewing between his wife and son.
One person who is good at police work, however, is Betty, and that’s precisely why she and Veronica attend an open house at the Farm. It’s there that Kevin gives them a tour and when he says one room is a janitor’s closet (and it clearly isn’t), Betty starts thinking that could be where they keep the interview tapes, a.k.a. the blackmail they have on her family. But she needs more information, so she enlists Cheryl to go undercover.
After one fake crying spell in the bathroom, Evelyn invites Cheryl to an interview at the Farm, and Betty fits her with a mic so that she can listen in. Only Evelyn isn’t conducting the interview. The incredibly handsome Edgar Evernever is, and he’s got just the vest for the occasion! He quickly gets Cheryl talking about losing Jason, and Cheryl … doesn’t hate it. As she later tells Betty, “Eddie” is indeed a “yummy snack” and yet another Hot Dad of Riverdale. But he’s also a suspicious dad of Riverdale, so Betty gets Cheryl to ask him about the location of the interview tapes, and when she does, he decides to show her … something. As he takes her down the hall, her mic goes out, and Betty’s left in the dark.
And the next time Betty sees Cheryl, Cheryl is not only done working with Betty, but she’s also now joining The Farm. Betty, taking matters into her own hands, then breaks into the Farm’s “janitor closet” and steals her mom and Polly’s interview tapes. She also steals Cheryl, but Cheryl tells her she wants to go back to the Farm. Why? Because of the room Edgar showed her. In that room, she was able to talk to Jason … in the flesh.
Betty then asks her mom if her love for the Farm stems from seeing Charles again, and Alice says yes. “It’s like I never lost him,” she says of her son before telling her daughter, “Being with him is unlike anything I could ever imagine.” Wow, so I guess it’s easy to say who Alice’s favorite child is! At that point, Betty asks to meet Edgar, and finally, she gets her wish. He asks what she wants to know, and she simply tells him: Everything. Like, what drugs are you using to make these people hallucinate their dead loved ones? And how haven’t you aged? And why do you love vests so much? Okay, so those are my questions, but whatever.
Also happening this week, Veronica helps Archie get Mad Dog and some of his fellow inmates pardoned by the governor — Hiram was trying to transfer them to his new prison and restart the fight club — before she tries to fix what’s going on at home. When Hiram plans to exclude Hermione from the ribbon-cutting ceremony at the prison, Hermione worries that once the family’s enemies get word of the divorce, they’ll come for her seeing as how she’ll no longer be under Hiram’s protection.
And when Hermione finds two dead fish on her desk, it seems her fears are coming true, so Veronica begs her father to let Hermione attend the ceremony. Ultimately, he does just that, even thanking her in his speech. After that’s done, he has the marriage annulled, but he assures his daughter that Hermione will remain under his protection … not that she ever needed it. It was Veronica who sent the fish in a last-ditch effort to get her parents back together. Again, I know family is important but your parents have tried to kill one another. THAT IS NOT A HEALTHY MARRIAGE, V. Let it go. And eventually, she does.
As for Veronica helping Archie, she gets Mad Dog, Baby Teeth, and a few others pardoned, but then they have to figure out where to stay. Luckily, Archie has a gym where they can crash! But when Mad Dog realizes his grandma and little brother are living in an apartment building that’s been taken over by the Gargoyles, Jug and Arch team up to take down more of Gladys’ drug trade. (This happens after Jug accidentally ruins one of FP’s drug busts, so, like I said, terrible at police work.)
The Serpents and Archie’s fight club join forces to raid the apartment building, and from the looks of it, the plan was to send Archie and about five guys onto the first floor, Sweet Pea and Fangs and a few others onto the second floor, and Jughead … all alone on the third floor!? Jug is the LEAST capable when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. What kind of terrible plan is this?!
Actually, just kidding. I forgot that Archie is apparently the Flash because the guy shows up literally everywhere Jug needs him even if he was JUST two floors away. At one point, Kurtz launches Jug out a second story window and you know who’s on the ground to check on him? Archie, who was JUST on the third floor!! I knew Archie was immune to infections, but this makes it official: He’s a very dumb superhero. (A not-so-dumb superhero? Mad Dog, who fights off six guys at once.)
After Gladys declares war with her son … again … the episode ends with a goblet showing up at Archie’s gym. The quest card inside it reads: Defang a wolf cub. Inside the goblet with the card is a tooth. Hint: It’s small. Moments later, FP finds a toothless Baby Teeth dead and kneeling at the feet of the Gargoyle King. Okay, I can’t with this moment. So did Baby Teeth … really have baby teeth?? Or did that tooth just look small to me? And OF COURSE they took his teeth when he died!! THIS SHOW!!!
I’m not entirely sure what’s happening, but I will say that I’m very into Chad Michael Murray as Edgar Evernever, and much like Betty, I want some answers!