Diyah Pera/The CW
May 02, 2018 at 09:00 PM EDT


TV Show
run date
K.J. Apa, Cole Sprouse, Camila Mendes, Lili Reinhart, Madelaine Petsch
The CW
We gave it a B-

Well, I give up. Riverdale has gone full Riverdale and I’ve finally decided that it’s never coming back. Papa Poutine has a son named Small Fry! Reggie is angry enough to shoot someone! Veronica is opening a casino! The teens are unstoppable at this point, and in this hour, it’s all just too much for me.

We start with Archie “campaigning” for his father by going door to door and handing out fliers. But what he’s really doing is looking into the eyes of every old white dude in Riverdale to see which of them has the Black Hood’s unforgettable green eyes that are burned into Archie’s very small brain. So far, no luck.

Then there’s Betty, who’s pretty sure she’s sitting across from the Black Hood during breakfast. I know what you’re thinking: Why doesn’t she just call Arch and have him look into her father’s eyes because that’s the only way to know 100 percent if he’s the Black Hood?! But silly Betty hasn’t thought of that yet, so instead, she confides in Cheryl, seeing as how Cheryl knows what it’s like to have a murderer for a father. Cheryl tells her that she’s going to need concrete proof, a confession, or both to get her dad locked up. Betty doesn’t seem worried that her father will hurt her but as Cheryl warns her, she never thought her dad would shoot her brother in the forehead. But, as Cheryl puts it, “That’s the world we live in.” Let’s all take that in for a second: THAT is the world that they live in.

Also part of the world they live in? A mobster family version of The Bachelorette. It seems Veronica holding Nick St. Clair for ransom impressed some of the underground families, so now, they’ve sent their young sons to Riverdale to court her with fancy business propositions. And there’s one that stands out: Veronica decides she wants to open a casino in Riverdale, because that seems plausible for a teenager.

While Veronica works on her new plan, Archie reunites the Dark Circle as Hiram’s request — he plans to have Hermione use it against Fred in the debate. And apparently Kevin has now joined the Dark Circle and everything that was once good is rotten. At the meeting, Moose confesses that before Midge died, she told him that she’d been seeing a Serpent behind his back. And cue the Bulldogs barging in on a Serpent meeting and throwing around accusations.

Jughead quickly finds out that it’s all true: It seems Fangs wasn’t just giving Midge notes in her dressing room when Jughead saw them together. But Fangs swears he didn’t kill her. Jug, desperately wanting to get the footage of Fangs and Midge back from the cops, goes to talk to the new sheriff in town, who was hired by the Lodges so you know that won’t end well. Meanwhile, Arch tells Reggie to lay off the Serpents before he heads to Pop’s to meet up with Veronica. She’s discussing the Sweetwater Casino with one of her suitors — Elio — but when she goes to the bathroom we learn that people seem to think that Archie “made his bones” with Hiram by killing Papa Poutine. And rumor has it Poutine’s son Small Fry is looking for revenge. (Well, based on that name, I’d say Archie is perfectly safe.)

Elsewhere, Betty and Alice go back to work at the Register as part of Betty’s plan to find out what her father’s hiding. After her parents head out one night, she uses a bobby pin to break into his desk drawer. She steals her father’s planner and makes a copy, at which point she cross-references the dates of every Black Hood attack. And each one matches up perfectly. Just as Betty explains this to Cheryl, the Register‘s phone rings. It’s the coroner’s office, saying a sentence no one ever wants to hear: “I have a warm corpse for you.” Apparently an unidentified male turned up off the highway and for a price, Betty can see him. The good/bad news? It’s not Chic. (Next: Betty confronts her father)

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