Katie Yu/The CW
April 25, 2018 at 09:01 PM EDT


TV Show
run date
K.J. Apa, Cole Sprouse, Camila Mendes, Lili Reinhart, Madelaine Petsch
The CW
We gave it a B

Well, I have good and bad news: The bad news is that this week’s Riverdale is not another musical episode. The good news, however, is that the show pretends it is, at least in the beginning, as we open on Cheryl singing at Midge’s funeral. It’s a fantastic opening that’s cut together with Sheriff Keller interrogating everyone who was at the school the night that Midge was killed. I do have one question: Is this school so rich that it can afford to give its cheerleading squad a special set of black uniforms? Actually, better question: Is death so common in Riverdale that the school thought black uniforms were a good investment? Apparently, the answer is yes!

Also, in a fun twist, it seems the Vixens have decided that they’re the new vigilantes — move over, Dark Circle! — because as Cheryl says AT THE FUNERAL — because if that’s not an appropriate place, what is? —the Vixens “won’t rest until those responsible for the murder of our sister is rightly punished.” What are they going to do, smother the Black Hood with their pom-poms? (This is not a female thing! This is yet another teenager thing!)

Cheryl then tells Sheriff Keller, “Your days of failing this town over and over again are numbered sheriff.” Again, how does a child think she has so much power? I think her turn as Carrie has gone to her head.

And that brings us to the Black Hood debate. Jug’s working theory is that Chic is acting as a copycat killer, whereas Archie thinks they got the wrong guy in the first place. Perhaps the REAL Black Hood was simply working with Svenson. What does Archie have to back this theory up? He looked into the Black Hood’s eyes and “they weren’t Mr. Svenson’s eyes.” I mean, if that’s not solid evidence, I don’t know what is.

The next morning, Archie fails to convince his father to get out of town. (He’s worried about the Black Hood’s promise to go after everyone who escaped him before). But as it turns out, Archie should be way more concerned about his own safety and a different guy in a black hood. Actually, three guys in black hoods. Long story short, Archie is kidnapped by none other than Nick St. Clair, AKA that guy you were really hoping to never see again. Yep, he’s back! And he’s holding Archie for ransom to prove to his father that he can be all big and bad. Only, Hiram isn’t interested in paying a million dollars for Archie’s safety. After all, Archie isn’t even family, and caving into Nick’s demands would make them look weak. (Especially because Nick isn’t even old enough to drink.)

Hiram tells Veronica to let him handle the Nick situation, but instead, she breaks into her family’s safe…and this is where things get really embarrassing: There’s not even a million dollars in the Lodge’s safe! How can they even show their faces in public?! Honestly. So, Ronnie has to go to Plan B: She agrees to give Nick what he’s always wanted: a night of passion at his hotel. And he intends to make Archie watch on a live feed. Welcome to torture in 2018! (Next: The end of Chic?)

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