As for Archie, he spends the day hanging out with Jug and talking about the one time their girlfriends kissed during cheerleading tryouts. (It’s never been more apparent that these guys are teens than in this episode.) Archie does take the opportunity to apologize to Jug about the kiss, but he swears he’s all good. When it comes to the four of them, it’s a miracle they’re so close. As Jug puts it, the four of them are in a powder keg…one match and they’d all blow up. (Well, I guess we can expect them blowing up to happen sometime soon.)
By the time the girls return to the cabin, Veronica forgives Archie, and I swear this episode has the most smiling of any episode thus far in the series. I didn’t know these teens had teeth! But it all stops when Jughead gets a call that the Serpents don’t have to leave the trailer park…because Hiram bought it. Naturally, this sends Jughead into an angry panic where he screams about Hiram’s “tactics” to Veronica. But once Archie convinces him to “take the win, bro,” they all come back together for a fun game of Monopoly. And what’s a game of Monopoly without a real-life robbery, right?!
After Betty’s mom calls with the update that Hiram also bought the Riverdale Register — and Archie once again shows us how clueless he is when he doesn’t think buying the only newspaper in town is a big deal — the powder keg explodes. Everyone’s yelling at everyone! Veronica calls Betty out for her sexual role playing! And then it all stops when the cashier from the store in town shows up with some buddies and some ski masks to rob V!
With an ax and a bat in hand, they break into the house. Archie thankfully doesn’t try to fight them, and ultimately, it’s V who saves the day. When she goes to grab her purse, she hits a silent alarm. On the way out, the guy steals V’s necklace, and that’s when Vigilante Archie shows up. (No! I thought we’d gotten rid of him!) Archie chases after the guy, tackles him in the woods, and then leaves him to André…who shoots him. Aaaaand that’s the end of the lake house.
Back in Riverdale, the core four sit around a booth at Pop’s and make amends purely by putting their hands together like they’re the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Archie then pays Hiram a visit, where Hiram asks if Archie is upset that André killed the kid. But Archie’s only response is how he regrets that he wasn’t the one who shot the Black Hood. The lesson? Never hesitate, Hiram says, before handing Archie Veronica’s necklace. So does that mean Hiram staged this whole thing to test Archie?! I’m confused!
Then there’s Jug, who takes Betty home and warns her that there’s more than one kind of home invasion. In other words, Chic is a home invader, you’re not safe, and Jug is totally fine leaving you there alone!
Okay, while all of that was happening, the rest of Riverdale went to see Love, Simon. (Have you heard of Love, Simon?! Because you’re going to get to watch a little bit of it in this episode of RIVERDALE.) First, there’s Josie and Kevin, who meet up and forge a friendship about the fact that their parents are hooking up and ruining marriages. (Josie’s clearly never seen Sheriff Keller shirtless if she’s questioning her mother’s judgment.) Then there’s Toni and Cheryl, who form an unexpected friendship that ends with Cheryl confiding in Toni at Pop’s after the movie. Thanks to Simon’s journey, Cheryl has been inspired to share hers. Cheryl tells Toni that everyone might think she’s loveless but she was in love once, before her mother destroyed it. Her name was Heather, and she was Cheryl’s best friend in junior high. But the moment Penelope caught Cheryl and Heather in bed together, she told her daughter that she was “deviant.” But Toni’s here to let Cheryl know that the only thing she is is “sensational.” And cue the hand hold and cue the romance.
I’m not entirely sure what to say at this point. This episode was strange. Some of the lake house stuff was fun…until the robbery. Then there’s all the in-your-face Love, Simon promotion. So I guess what I’m saying is: Welcome back to Riverdale, where you never know just how bonkers things are going to get.