Bettina Strauss/The CW
February 07, 2018 at 10:19 PM EST


TV Show
run date
K.J. Apa, Cole Sprouse, Camila Mendes, Lili Reinhart, Madelaine Petsch
The CW
We gave it a B

Only in Riverdale could the local diner be the perfect place to do homework, go on dates, and have a milkshake while you wait to find out if your boyfriend’s gangster of a father properly discarded the body of the drug dealer your mother murdered in order to protect your recently discovered gigolo of a brother. Don’t let that perfect ponytail fool you, guys. Betty’s life is MESSED UP.

We pick up right where we left off last week: As Betty puts it, “Mom, there’s a man on our floor!” Alice, who’s currently cleaning up pools of blood, doesn’t want her daughter calling the cops lest they take Chic away from her. Instead, she enlists her daughter to help her clean up the act of “self-defense” so that the house can look as close to normal as possible when Hal stops by to pick up his toiletries in a little bit. (Honestly, the man can’t just buy some new shaving cream?!)

By the time Hal arrives, things looks normal…ish, but according to Hal, the house smells like the inside of a hospital. But we are talking about Hal, the world’s most useless man, so after his questions go unanswered, he just grabs his shaving cream and heads back to his new life with Penelope Blossom.

After Betty hangs up on Jug — no time for boys when you’re dealing with (dead) men — she and Alice take the body out to the woods. Alice’s plan is to leave it in a sewer pipe that she used to frequent as a child. You know, because sewer pipes are totally normal places for small children to love.

By the time they get back home, the mother-daughter duo of the week start cleaning anything and everything that the dead guy could’ve touched. By the end of the night, Betty’s polished every last apple in the house, and she’s exhausted. Betty passes out — I love the way the camera follows her here — only to wake up the next morning to some sort of Stepford household where Chic and Alice are pretending that everything is okay and that they didn’t, I don’t know, kill anyone last night. While Chic and Alice enjoy a feast for breakfast — apparently the Coopers like to prepare 20 pancakes per person — it’s Betty who’s acting the most strange. “I don’t like chocolate chip pancakes” she says. I’m sorry — WHAT?!

Breakfast is then interrupted when Jug shows up to walk Betty to school. And at this point, Betty is just happy to have a break from the house, probably because it’s hard to breathe when the entire place wreaks of bleach. Jug, being a teenage boy, is all nervous that the sex was bad, but Betty assures him that her weird mood has nothing to do with their horizontal tango. Rather, it’s all about “typical Cooper house lunacy.” And let’s all take a moment to realize that Betty just called murder “typical.” And she’s not wrong.

At school, Betty has a close call when Kevin shows up announcing that the cops found a body. But no, it wasn’t in a sewer pipe. (After all, only kids hang out in those.) The body Kevin is referring to is none other than Papa Poutine. Betty’s relieved, but the moment still makes her so nervous she ends up vomiting in the bathroom. And when Cheryl finds her, she takes an interest in Betty’s life. That interest is then doubled when Cheryl sees Hal leaving her house. Cheryl confronts her mother, who claims that what she has with Hal is “real,” so this should go well.

Meanwhile, Betty temporarily goes insane and returns to the woods to make sure the body is still there and, just in case, put her fingerprints ALL OVER IT. And then, when the dead guy’s phone rings, she takes it with her!!! Has this girl learned nothing from living in this terrible town?! At this point, I’m half convinced that all the kids in Riverdale were required to take Annalise Keating’s class on How to Get Away With Murder before they could start high school.

Once Betty gets home, she starts combing through the MANY messages on this phone, and she discovers something: This guy was a drug dealer. Furthermore, he was Chic’s drug dealer. Betty confronts her shady brother, which only results in Betty and Alice fighting, and based on the creepy grin on Chic’s face, I’d say that’s all he wants in life. (Next: Archie proves his loyalty)

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