Daniel Power/The CW
January 31, 2018 at 09:00 PM EST


TV Show
run date
K.J. Apa, Cole Sprouse, Camila Mendes, Lili Reinhart, Madelaine Petsch
The CW
We gave it a B-

As for V, she goes to confession to ask what she should do about leading her boyfriend down an unrighteous path. And after she gets zero answers, she heads home to talk to the women of her family, all of whom tell her what it is they pray for before telling her that in this family, you “have to find your thing.” So basically, find a way to live with yourself all the while knowing you’re a terrible person.

And that brings us to Veronica’s confirmation, where Josie and Veronica duet on “Bittersweet Symphony,” and Archie’s light is the thing that helps Veronica get through the day. (In the moment where she has to renounce Satan, they literally shine a light on Archie and put everyone else in the dark. You know, in case you didn’t get it.)

Also at the confirmation, Betty and Jughead get the chance to catch up. Here’s the deal: Tall Boy asked for Penny’s help with the eviction notices, and in exchange for her help, she wants back into the Serpents. Then, she wants Jug kicked out of the Serpents, and she wants to be the one to carve his Serpent tattoo off his arm…with a dirty knife. So she wants to get payback and then also give him tetanus? Cool.

Now there’s going to be a vote among the Serpents: Penny or Jug, and he is stressed. So, at V’s confirmation, he tells Betty everything he did to Penny and then claims that the worst part of the entire story is that Penny’s back. Sure, THAT’S the worst part, and not the mutilation.

In that moment, Betty gets a call. Earlier in the hour, she and Jug put up flyers asking if anyone had seen the decapitated bronze head of the General Perkins statue, and now they had a lead. Actually, they have more than that — they have answers. I will say that this was the best part of the episode for me:

Random guy: “You the kids looking for the head?”
Jughead: “If only we lived in a town where the answer could be no.”

Some guy who owns a scrapyard found the head in one of his fridges. As you do. And when Jug and Betty ask who’s visited recently, he admits a Serpent stopped by about a week ago. Jug’s question: “Was this gentleman tall?” AND BOOM THEY’VE IDENTIFIED TALL BOY AS THE PERP. Can we talk about how the fact that he’s “tall” immediately identifies him as this person. Is he even THAT tall? And what a literal nickname…

As punishment, FP exiles Tall Boy from the Serpents, and his replacement appears to be Betty because, according to FP, “she’s one of us.” I’m sorry, WHAT? The girl in the pink dress who helped you find the head of statue is now one of you? Is this because of her terrible striptease? This is not making sense to me. Also, Betty, put your hand down! You do not get a vote in Serpent matters!

Back at the confirmation, Veronica tells her father not to include Archie in family business, but it’s far too late: When Archie thinks the other mobsters are about to make a move, he takes Hiram to his study and warns him. By the end of the night, the mobster that was planning to kill Hiram is shot in the back of the head … and Archie tells the FBI he knows nothing about it. NOOOOOO, ARCH. Why is everyone going dark?! So much for him being Ronnie’s “beacon in the night.”

And then there’s Betty, who decides to mount Jug before she calls it a night. She stops briefly mid makeout to maybe tell him something, but then she decides against it. Was she going to tell him about the kiss with Archie or about the webcam dirty work? Who knows. Either one would seem like a small deal in comparison to what she returns home to find: her mom and brother cleaning up the blood of some guy who showed up on their doorstep and whom they apparently killed! Fun, right?!

In other death-related news, the Serpents end the hour by sending the head of General Perkins to the Lodge family, because they wanted a Godfather moment that would work for The CW?

Okay, so here’s the part where we discuss my last issue with this episode — the relationships! I am so confused by the show’s decision to throw in that Betty-Archie moment all those episodes ago where he seemingly had an epiphany standing at his bedroom window. And then they kissed. And now he’s confessing his undying love for Veronica and Betty’s hooking up with Jughead? Furthermore, Betty and Archie haven’t even talked in a while. This isn’t a shipper rant. I’m not dying for Betty and Archie to get together, I’m just truly confused with the decision to include that at all and then revert back so suddenly. At this point, none of these relationships are making sense to me. Except for Chic and his webcam. That totally checks out.

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