Riverdale recap: 'Chapter Nine: La Grande Illusion'

“Say you’ll reconsider escorting my daughter to the tapping.”

I’ve had just about enough of the Blossom family. Even in a heightened world where cartoons in wholesome wardrobes discuss Truman Capote at a restaurant that only serves milkshakes, the Blossoms are by far the worst people in the town, but I want you to know this: It’s not just because they have a name for their mansion or because they read from scrolls or eat dinner at “Be Our Guest” tables or share the same bad roots.

The worst thing about the Blossoms, far and away the most heinous and awful, is the seriousness with which they discuss the high-stakes world of maple syrup. MAPLE. SYRUP. [clap emoji] MA [clap emoji] PLE [clap emoji] SYR [clap emoji] UP. I don’t think I’ll ever get over Riverdale’s insane juxtaposition of gory murder and feuding bloodlines with a core subtext of a thick breakfast sauce that most people visualize bottled inside a busty colonial woman. And yet personality-less Mrs. Butterworth would be a welcome surprise any day over the Blossoms, who have invited the scorn of the rest of the extended Blossoms — YES, THERE ARE MORE — as they descend upon the house to address the vacancy in the family business left by Jason’s death.

It makes perfect sense that these budget understudy Weasleys would make such a stink about an annual kick-off event celebrating the beginning of ‘maple syrup season’ (which is… when, exactly?). It’s a tree-tapping test of will and Cheryl must prove herself with The Tapping, so she asks Archie for emotional support as her escort, since lord forbid she show up alone at a family event without a husky redhead by her side. Archie initially declines, out of courtesy to his non-series-regular girlfriend, but he’s quickly enticed to attend when Penelope Blossom dangles a prestigious summer music program in front of him. (Archie continues to be both the nicest guy in the world and the one most likely to dismember a child if you say “music.”)

Of course, the tapping is not a one-time thing and Archie soon falls way too far, way too fast into the Blossoms’ pocket. During the week, he accepts a guitar, a suit, and another invitation to a Blossom banquet (this time, a spooky dinner). Fred warns him not to allow himself to be used, and Archie foolhardily takes that to mean he should secure some benefits for his dad out of this, too.

Archie asks Clifford Blossom to forego the “favor” of the summer music program and stop terrorizing Fred’s company instead. Clifford agrees — provided that Archie beard for Cheryl. As it basically stands now, nobody can tolerate Cheryl and it’s obliterating the Blossom family’s chance of maintaining control over the maple business. If Archie went steady with Cheryl, he’d create a strong, stable, patriarchy-upholding image by her side, which is super problematic for reasons I hope you aren’t first learning from an EW.com recap of Riverdale. Nevertheless, we don’t get Archie’s answer to this intriguing offer because his relationship with the Blossom family is blown after he rejects Cheryl’s attempt to kiss him. Even though he obviously has a girlfriend and she’s obviously insane, Cheryl’s still crushed, and the rejection makes her go full Emily Thorne and scratch Archie off her family portrait.

The other point of note in Archie’s brief embedding within the Blossom family is his mildly enthusiastic espionage work for the Coopers. Alice wants him to uncover insider dirt for an exposé she wants to write about the trustee drama. Betty, on the other hand, just wants to find out why Polly won’t call home or even return a message to her sister.

As Archie discovers, Polly hasn’t completely drunk the Blossom Kool-Syrup. She secretly believes that the Blossoms have something to do with Jason’s death, and she agreed to move into Thornhill to find out why. It will come as fabulous news to Mrs. Cooper, who spends this episode drinking chardonnay and throwing a brick into the window of the family’s newspaper office after Mr. Cooper basically fires her. (Don’t worry, she quickly gets a new job at the school paper. Oy.)

While Betty is preoccupied with making connection with her sister, Veronica takes it upon herself to make connection with Ethel Muggs, whom we haven’t seen since she was made fun of by the football team. This week, she’s possibly suicidal (fun role!) and attracts Veronica’s attention after reading a very dramatic poem.

When Veronica pries, she finds out that Ethel’s parents have been fighting and, in an effort to be a better person than the popular bitch she was in New York, Veronica invites over Ethel — and Kevin, because he sure as hell has nothing else to do on this show — for lunch. It’s technically a selfish move, I guess, but only in the way that any selfless act is technically selfish, as any obnoxious philosophy major will tell you.

At lunch, which Betty and Hermione join, Ethel reveals all of her family financial issues, and Hermione discovers that Ethel is the daughter of one of Hiram’s business associates. As such, Hermione warns Veronica that Ethel’s father is planning to testify against Hiram, which of course sends Veronica off the rails. At this rate, the reunion of Mr. and Daughter Lodge could very well result in season 2’s first murder.

Veronica makes another gesture to Ethel — giving her lots of clothes — and that’s that, until she gets distressing, pearl-ripping news that Ethel’s father apparently tried to kill himself. When she arrives with flowers and confesses her last name (??), Ethel’s mother recognizes it and DRAGS HER. Ethel rejects Veronica, and suddenly, she of open heart is crushed.

Hermione, to her credit, has also done some moderate soul-searching and has decided to tell Fred that she and Hiram are the mystery buyers of the lot. Fred is initially, expectedly pissed, but after the fiasco of watching Archie get used and abused by the Blossoms, he stands up for himself and demands a hefty 20 percent profit stake for staying on. He also calls off his budding romance with Hermione and uses a pencil vigorously. He’s mad. Hermione knows it, but in the interest of trying to be a better person and help her family go legit, she agrees to his terms.

Oh, and Val basically breaks up with Archie because she is absolutely not here for any of this nonsense. Bye.