Katie Yu/The CW
March 09, 2017 at 10:00 PM EST


TV Show
run date
K.J. Apa, Cole Sprouse, Camila Mendes, Lili Reinhart, Madelaine Petsch
The CW
We gave it a B+

It’s a week of revelations here in Riverdale — riverlations? — but some bombshells are taken far less seriously than others. Betty and Jughead are dating? Literally nobody cares. Jason Blossom was going to be a father? Oh, ha, weird. A social pariah largely forgotten by the town for months is now on the loose? Sound the alarms and alert the FBI and tell the neighborhood from The Truman Show to search the island!!!

Polly Cooper’s asylum escape and the curiously-timed burning of Jason Blossom’s getaway car have pointed all fingers to her as the prime suspect in both murdering Jason and now covering the tracks. Betty makes the mistake of loudly voicing her concern over Polly in the student lounge, where an impersonal crony of Cheryl Blossom’s overhears it and quickly texts the intel to Cheryl, who inappropriately but hilariously blasts it out on Twitter (although #SharpenYourPitchfork is more Beauty and the Beast content, if anything).

The Blossoms quickly enlist the police to track down Polly as suspect No. 1, forcing Betty to rally her friends and family to find Polly before they do. With dual search parties racing to be the first to find an unhinged pregnant tween in the forest, Mrs. Cooper attempts to gain an advantage: She throws a little Chicago-esque press conference in front of the church to get both God and the general populace of Riverdale on their side. Alice reveals that Polly was pregnant with Jason’s baby, which completely undermines the entire reason they sent her to solitary to begin with, but hey, whatever!

Stunningly, no one seems to care — except the Blossoms. Cheryl approaches Betty with a materteral mea culpa, agreeing to unite with her fellow future aunt and help Polly raise JJ’s baby safely. Cheryl’s got money, and as luck would have it, Betty found Polly hiding out in the Coopers’ doll-packed attic (fun!) and promised to help her wrangle enough money to go raise the baby on the farm upstate where she and Jason had planned to go. (A cursory conversation with the Coopers also confirmed that they had no plans to allow Polly to keep said cursed child no matter what.)

Under the pretense of seeking neonatal investors, Betty reluctantly meets with the Blossoms, who have only threatened destruction on the Cooper family just enough times that Betty still trusts them. She’s about to hand over Polly when Cheryl suddenly calls a stop to the scheme, having discovered that the Blossoms weren’t planning to let Polly raise the child either. What a shocker. So, by episode’s end, Polly Cooper has a new status quo: She’s still on the run, everyone knows she’s pregnant, and now the Lodges have taken her in, because harboring a fugitive is definitely not the worst thing that family is up to right now.

As it stands under the cruel Smithers-controlled thumb of the Lodge loft, Veronica is still pretty furious with her mother for forging her signature and giving the drive-in contract to Fred, rather than honor Hiram’s wishes for it to stay in the family’s sleazy inner ring. Ronnie is less angry over the Fred relationship — that’s old news — but more upset that Hermione took away the one thing Hiram promised no federal agent could ever repossess: her name. Aww. So, Veronica’s form of revenge is exorbitant online shopping and clubbing, and it works enough damage on Hermione to force her to negotiate terms: Veronica will accept Hermione’s new feelings for Fred if Hermione comes clean to Hiram about forging Veronica’s signature and betraying his loyalty. All is well fairly quickly, just in time for them to host a runaway murder suspect and be super cool with it.

But hey, that’s all great. Now it’s time to get to the real dirt of the episode that I know you came here to discuss: Riverdale’s hot dads.

NEXT: Obviously the hot dads

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