Ringer recap: Greer Gardens

Hey, does anyone else remember that show Ringer? It’s been on hiatus but it was kinda like the Parent Trap but if the Hayley Mills twins ditched their bowl cuts and grew up to be a nudie dancer and a frigid adultress, respectively? Ringer has been off the air now for, by my calculations, three and a half years. Very confusing, CW. Very confusing. Not much seems to have changed except for now Bridget has bangs! They really should have hyped those babies up more in the previews. Like I’d have loved a “Ringer Returns! Bangs!” ad campaign but whatevs. I’m not paid the big bucks to make those decisions.

So let’s jump right into the new episode! GINORMOUS PHOTO ALERT!!! I missed that monstrosity. More shows should have GINORMOUS PHOTOS of their characters. You know Victoria Grayson would loooove a big ol’ shot of herself in the foyer of Grayson Manor. So the show opened with a kinda kinky-gross moment where real Siobhan walked in on Bridget showering. Also, Siobhan was wearing a very unflattering trench coat if I may say. But the whole moment was very Flowers in the Attic.

We then cut to “Two Days Ago,” with Andrew and Bridget out to dinner with an old friend Greer (Madchen Amick) and her husband, who didn’t really talk much. Turns out he’s an old pal of Andrew’s while Greer and Siobhan are frenemies. At first when I saw Amick I was excited because I like her but then she can also kinda be a show-killer (Central Park West, anyone?). So anyways, Greer shows up with peonies which seem to be some sort of dig against Siobhan but naturally Bridget has no idea what’s going on. So it’s clear from the start that Greer is kind of a beast. But Bridget sensing something is wrong there decides to offer to help Greer with a public school benefit she’s throwing for Juliet’s new school.

Poor Agent Machado is still stuck with this story line of figuring out what happened to Bridget. So Henry called him over and basically told Machado he didn’t believe that Gemma’s murder was so simple. I was more distracted by Henry’s hair: did he ALSO get bangs?

Meanwhile Siobhan is back in town and wasting no time getting into trouble. She attempted to break into Andrew’s computer at his office but was caught by Andrew’s assistant. I do sorta love how the fact that the twins are now back in the same city and, occasionally, the same bathroom. Siobhan gets a call from Tyler back in Paris and she tells him that she needs to break into Andrew’s files for some complicated reason and he tells her to try the home computer since the protection is probably more lax.

Back at the Martin apartment, Bridget is rocking her bangs HARD and Juliet is doing a little side braid. Juliet clearly is trying to get out of going back to school because she doesn’t want to see Mr. Carpenter, who she claims forced her to have sex. Once she and her dad leave for the day, Bridget gets a call from Malcolm. How is this dude living in Manhattan without a job? Bridget recommends he give Andrew a call for freelance computer work. Wasn’t Malcolm a professor? Not really sure those are the same jobs. And yet, within like minutes of the phone call, Malcolm is sitting in a meeting with Andrew and helping him out with some computer program. Oh Ringer, you entertain me so with your ludicrous plotting and your GINORMOUS PHOTOS.

Greer and Bridget come back to the apartment and Bridge tries to get some more info out of Greer about their rift. Apparently, Greer saw something ages ago and that’s what led to their falling out. Interesting. Also, Greer talks about figuring out the layout for the party but no mention of taking down the GINORMOUS PHOTO of Siobhan. Like, is that a pleasant thing for guests to see first thing?

NEXT: Bridget starts acting a lot like Buffy

Speaking of which, Siobhan sneaks into her old apartment while Andrew and Bridget are gone. Naturally, the first thing she does is acknowledge the GINORMOUS PHOTO of her. In my mind, she’s thinking, “Hello fabulous me.” Then, she hops aboard Andrew’s laptop and figures out his password is “Siobhan.” What a lovestruck dummy. But just as she’s transferring files Andrew comes in and then Bridget. Siobhan hides behind some drapes, but doesn’t anyone in this house have peripheral vision? I mean the apartment is not that big. This entire house needs to pay a visit to LensCrafters. Once Andrew leaves, Bridget decides to take a shower and we’re back to the beginning of the episode. Except this time, Siobhan stole the huge ring that Andrew gave Bridget.

So the big party finally came and it was as crazy as one would expect in that house. There were shoes, jewelry, sequin gowns all up for auction. Or just there to make the public school teachers feel really bad about themselves. Bridget had a moment out on the terrace with Greer. Thankfully, there were two pashminas just laying around. I guess that’s how the rich deal with the outdoors. Greer admitted that she saw Siobhan with Henry at the Hotel Pivoine, which is what the envelope in Charlie’s apartment had written on it. And the peonies were a floral bitch slap because apparently the hotel room was full of those flowers. Greer clearly holds grudges.

Juliet meanwhile started drinking at the party to deal with seeing Mr. Carpenter. Somehow no one noticed her downing drink after drink. I mean the Martin apartment is nice but it’s not like they’re in Lisa Van Der Pump’s mansion. Andrew caught Juliet and sent her to her room. But Dr. Bridget knew something was up. Next thing we know, Bridget is going full-on Buffy and clocks Mr. Carpenter and throws him out of the house. Carpenter is just lucky she lost that redonk ring or else he could have been really hurt. Juliet is naturally upset and regrets telling Bridget about the Mr. Carpenter thing. But Bridget just says she was trying to protect her.

Agent Machado was sadly not invited to the party and spent his day at a sad seafood restaurant in East Hampton. You can tell it’s East Hampton because they had checkered tablecloths. He interrogated a hilariously bitchy and annoyed waitress who said she once saw Charlie meet with Siobhan in the restaurant. “What kind of name is that?” I love that lady. Bring her back! Maybe she can become a temp at Andrew’s office, too! I’ll bet she knows how to operate a copy machine!

Andrew returned from the police station but weirdly wouldn’t tell Bridget any of the details. Bridget once again insisted she was just trying to be maternal and protective.

Finally, Siobhan went over to Henry’s apartment and confessed that she was still in love with him. But Henry was so confused. His bangs were even confused. Who is this woman who seems to keep changing personalities? And it looks like next week Siobhan gives him the lowdown on what’s happening. No word on the seafood waitress’ next episode. :)

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