Bridget answers the hit man's phone and Siobhan finds some lovin' in Paris
Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW

Ringer spends so much time in various airy apartment spaces that I feel like it should be called Lofter. Just this week we discovered Siobhan and Andrew owned another large piece of property. It’s like we’re watching House Hunters with twins and Titanic-themed parties. Frankly I’m surprised Paige Davis isn’t somehow involved in this series (Trading Spaces reference! Pulled that out of my back pocket!). But I will say that I enjoyed tonight’s episode much more than last week’s crazy, high-pony mess.

So I don’t want to beat a dead horse on this whole real estate theme but damn do I love the light fixtures in Andrew and Siobhan’s house. Anyone else notice those in the hallway in the opening moments? They were like wonderful hanging orbs of loveliness. But I digress…so this episode opened up with Bridget, still faking her way as Siobhan, and hubby Andrew catching up. Apparently, they decided to send Andrew’s daughter, Juliet, to Miami to have her deal with her drug addiction. Really folks?!?!? Were all the hotels in Ibiza booked?!?! Miami to deal with drug addiction?!?!? I realize her mother lives there but that seems like the most ridiculous decision ever. But then again this is a show where estranged twin sisters decided to take a speedboat ride mere minutes after a six-year reconciliation.

Bridget once again called her AA sponsor and possible lovah Malcolm for advice. Weirdly, Malcolm was once again in that scary parking garage. Dude may wanna start matriculating somewhere else seeing as his girlfriend is being hunted by a major baddie. Also, the light is just never good in parking garages and he’s on a TV show for God’s sake. But no one ever listens to me and the criminal dude with bad long hair who’s after Bridget kidnapped Malcolm. They took him to a strip club and locked him the room where they apparently have a cage and extra toilet paper (I’m very observant).

Before Malcolm got kidnapped, Bridget realized that the photo she found of Siobhan in the hitman’s pocket was a cropped version of one Andrew had on a shelf in the house. It appeared to be the couple on some sort of vacation. So could Andrew be behind all of this? Probably not given that this is episode three and we have like 19 more hours of this stuff.

We flashed to Paris to visit the real Siobhan and it wasn’t even the last five minutes of the episode. Real Siobhan was at a French bar drinking wine and reading a book (My guess? The Hunger Games—I feel Shiv is a big YA fan.). She sadly wasn’t wearing a big floppy hat but she was wearing a crazily bedazzled cardigan and giant chunky necklace. Clearly, Shiv does not believe in less is more. Anyways, she met this hot dude named Tyler at the bar and even gave him her hotel info. I love that even when Siobhan is on the run and hiding she still finds time to get some nookie. That’s right gurl. You’re in the City of Love after all.

Andrew had told Siobhan he needed her to do something for him and so she followed directions and showed up to a scary alleyway. Are there ever non-sketchy alleys? I feel like no. But it was all a big surprise because actually it was the office of a major designer, played by the guy from Noah’s Arc who played, uh, Noah. Gemma was there too. I still am not into this character or her beet red hair. I don’t think Siobhan would be friends with this lady. So Andrew had treated Siobhan to a free dress custom made by, uh, Noah for her to wear to the ballet.

After they left all the couture, Bridget, Gemma and, uh, Noah, all decided to go to lunch especially after Noah claimed he could get them into Balthazar. But then the hitman’s phone started ringing and Bridget walked away from lunch at Balthazar. Clearly, she has no idea how difficult it is to get a rez there. Good luck next time. Bridge answered the phone and the person on the other line was clearly watching her after mentioning she had dropped her scarf. He asked that Bridget leave the phone on a nearby bench but she decided not to and ran off with the phone.

NEXT: Siobhan has a booty call!

Once Bridget returned to the apartment, she was rifling through her planner when she found a divorce attorney’s card. Ever the inquisitive gal, she paid a visit to the lawyer who insinuated that Siobhan had earlier spoken of being abused by Andrew. He also mentioned the aforementioned OTHER property the two shared and that he thought Andrew might be trying to cheat Siobhan outta some money. Oh the Upper East Side! People are just so real! Bridge checked out this other spot, which was basically a dump, but hiding in one of the corners was that creepy, Paul Bettany looking dude who saw her grab the hitman’s phone out of the trunk. Ah ha! He’s the voice on the other end of the phone. Bridget whipped out the hitman’s gun, which has proven very easy to hide in Siobhan’s seemingly endless supply of large handbags, and tried to get C-list Paul Bettany to tell her what was going on. Naturally he would not. So, finally she showed good sense and ran like the dickens! She hailed a cab and called Agent Machado who must have been excited because his previous scenes were like snoozy outtakes of Jake and the Fatman.

The two met up and Machado basically said he didn’t trust Siobhan because he thought she knew more than she was letting on about Bridget’s disappearance. Adding to his suspicions? Siobhan missed a dance class for last week’s party! She would never have done that! Is Siobhan a closeted hip-hop dancer? Now, that’s a subplot I’d like to see explored. Or maybe she secretly is part of some underground dance troop like in Step Up 3-D? My mind is full of such great ideas for this show. Bridget of course wouldn’t answer any questions and basically just used the meeting to show C-list Bettany that she was in touch with the FBI and threatened to give the hit man’s phone to Machado if she felt threatened. It sorta didn’t make sense to me because I feel like C-list Bettany will still just try and off her and steal the phone but whatevs.

Bridget later then showed up at Andrew’s office in what appeared to be a ball gown with a duvet shrug. Like, this cover-up thing was huge. It looked like she was hiding other people under it. Or at least a few miniature ponies. She apologized for going to see the divorce lawyer, which Andrew had found out about. They reconciled (ho-hum) and then had a weird moment where they looked out the window. Meanwhile, back in the supply closet at the stripper club, the scary, bad hair dude injected Malcolm with some sort of drug.

And we once again ended the episode with real Siobhan in Paris. She was having a booty call with Tyler, the bar guy, but threw him out in the middle of the make out and then puked! I mean he couldn’t have been that bad a kisser. But it turns out she’s preggers (Remember?!?) and she crank called Henry to tell him the deets but then never said anything. Again—horrible phone etiquette!

Oh and in between all this we had a super-boring subplot about Andrew and Henry and money and investments and blah blah. Cold Yet Slutty British Gal mentioned something about Gemma’s father being rich and blah blah. You know what’s not interesting? Fake investment drama. You know what is interesting? Bedazzled cardigans and big hats. But that’s just me.


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