Ringer recap: The (Secret) L Word

Sweet Siobhan Martin! That episode contained some of my favorite Ringer moments of this entire season. I love a show that go full-throttle into Crazytown and clearly it took that exit off the freeway last week when Catherine was revealed as the villain behind the whole Siobhan hit. Well, this episode went even further if that’s possible. It had Russian hookers overdosing! Secret lesbians! And a cameo from a former Dawson’s Creek cast member!! It’s basically like a buffet in Tim’s dream world!! Everything I could ever want!! Although next week’s trailer appeared to have someone taking a knife to the GINORMOUS PHOTO of Siobhan!!! Say it ain’t so!

LL COOL J WATCH OUT: LADIES ACTUALLY LOVE CRAZY CATHERINE OR LL CRAZY C

So we knew Catherine was full of surprises when it was revealed at the end of last week’s episode that she was the one behind the whole assassination attempt of Siobhan. But holy animal print is this lady a wackadoo. The episode began with the same incident as last week’s cliffhanger: a drugged Bridget finding the first hitman’s phone inside Catherine’s purse and Catherine standing over Bridget. The cray cray ex Mrs. Martin then drags Bridge into the bathtub and starts the faucet. She writes up a fake suicide note and frankly I was impressed that Catherine could spell Siobhan. It’s taken me about 6 months of Ringer to figure that out.

Anywhoo, we flash back to like 8 months ago when the two gals got into a fight in the NYC Martin apartment when real Siobhan told her that they were selling Catherine’s home in Miami. Weirdly, they were both wearing asymmetrical dresses of different colors. It was like a meeting of the two witches from Oz. Back in present day, Catherine ditches her leopard print cape and puts on something more, uh, subtle and prepares to leave the apartment. But outside she realizes she’s forgotten the hitman’s phone, which Bridget dropped under a chair. She runs back inside and can’t find it. We again flashback to some old dude who I think was the evil dry cleaner (People I realize how ludicrous this sounds — believe me). The old fogie says that the hitman’s phone is gone and Catherine, once again in an asymmetrical dress oddly, basically goes all Mortal Kombat and is like FINISH HER!!!! Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Andrew arrives home and Catherine does her damnedest to keep him out of the bathroom. Unfortunately, he sees that water is leaking out of the bathroom door and finds Bridget submerged.

Catherine obviously won’t let them get away so she concocts some plan in which I think she and Siobhan would run off to Mexico or something. Unclear. But one of my fave moments was Catherine yelling and judging the pair at gunpoint for all the cold weather-friendly clothes they were packing, like sweaters. “Beachwear,” she screams with gun in her hand. Frankly, I side with Bridget: I always over pack for any climate. You never know what you’re gonna wanna wear. Back off Catherine! Then there’s a call from the door man who says the FBI is downstairs. Machado asked that some agents go and check on the Martin family. They arrive upstairs and Andrew basically lies to them about Catherine and Siobhan while Catherine holds Bridget captive in a nearby room.

NEXT: Secret Lesbians! The agents eventually leave but then Juliet comes home and is kinda not so surprised to see Mom with mascara-stained eyes and brandishing a firearm. AND THEN CAME PERHAPS MY FAVORITE MOMENT IN RINGER HISTORY…CATHERINE IS A SECRET LESBIAN WTIH OLIVIA!!!!! I think I literally started “Hahahaha”-ing out loud, alone in my apartment. It was such a genius, batsh*t moment that I couldn’t keep it in. So apparently, their love blossomed like six weeks ago(!) after Andrew threw her out and she could only go to Olivia. The pair then lounged on some weird chaise with wine and fell in love. Catherine even told Olivia about the hit on Siobhan and Olivia reciprocated with the reveal about the ponzi scheme. While the two lovers are having their phone chat, Bridget tells Juliet to grab the hit man phone under the chair. Bridget then uses it to call Machado and she leaves the line open and talks loudly to Catherine so he can hear the craziness ensuing.

Apparently, Catherine’s been hiding Olivia at her sister’s “rental property” which just sounds so sad. Catherine threatens to take Juliet with her but then Bridget insists she be Catherine’s hostage. So the pair go off to the aforementioned “rental property.” It just sounds like a storage facility or something. But is actually a huge Tudor-style home in the suburbs. Machado somehow knew exactly where that was (I mean NOW he’s a competent agent?!?!) and greets Catherine at the front door with his weapon. Then, there’s a pretty lame chase through like the foyer and Catherine is arrested but not before she calls Bridget pathetic for stealing her life, meaning her husband/daughter and her home. That seems to be the inspiration for next week’s bonanza of truthbombs!

HOOKER HABITAT

Meanwhile Siobhan goes on a little field trip to the cleaning lady Oksana’s house. Turns out lady isn’t just a hotel maid but also a high class hooker. Of course she is! This isn’t Parenthood for God’s sake—it’s Ringer! Oksana has a kick-ass apartment and Siobhan comes armed with fake passports, designed to frame Oksana as a liar and destroy her testimony against Henry. Meanwhile, one of Oksana’s clients show up and she makes Siobhan hide in the closet. This is at least the second closet gurlfriend has hid in this season along with her weird office that Bridget discovered in Harlem. People spend lots of time in closets and alleyways on Ringer. #truthbomb.

So Oksana’s client is played by the dude who was Pacey’s bro on Dawson’s Creek and ended up marrying gay Jack! Well, he’s not so dreamy on this show, doing a buttload of drugs with Oksana, and then leaving her as she ODs. Meanwhile, this sends Siobhan into labor. Awww how sweet? The twins will be welcomed into the world thanks to a drug addled dead whore. Oh and to make things even more lovely and magical, Henry orders the doctor to give the babies a paternity test because he doesn’t trust Siobhan. Um, dude, that’s the smartest thing you’ve done all season…aside from ditching those bangs.

Follow Tim on Twitter: @EWTimStack