Ringer recap: Catherine O'Scare-a

“Don’t panic. It happened again—somebody shot at me.” Only on Ringer, ladies and gentlemen!!! Bridget has already been attacked in a drafty loft but now she’s been attacked once again in a drafty, more sketchy, abandoned loft!! That was how she broke the news to Andrew about the second attempt on her life. He took it like a champ. Those Brits aren’t fazed by anything. Well except maybe finding your ex-wife dressed like Veronica Lake in your daughter’s bedroom with her wrists slit. And that brings us to my favorite moments in last night’s Ringer!!!

THE FIRST LADY OF CRAZYTOWN

Obvs I’m talking about Catherine. So first she attempts suicide after her little Wild Things-inspired plan fell through the cracks and she lost all her money. Luckily, Andrew was there and Brits aren’t fazed by anything (By the way, I’m totally making this characteristic up. Brits could be total spazzes for all I know.) Blood gets all over him and it would have been a really funny twist if Andrew ended up taking his clothes to the eeeevil dry cleaner that Machado is investigating. Alas, I don’t write for this show. Catherine is whisked away to a local hospital and put in a room that has a better view and more square footage than my first apartment in New York. Realism! So it turns out Catherine actually attempted suicide before when she was married to Andrew. Juliet overhears this conversation with the doctor and her father and then asks Andrew, “Do you think she’s actually crazy?” Um gurl. Yes. Yes we do. Your mother made you fake a rape so that she could steal your father’s money and then had someone beat up your white trash classmate! Yo momma is cray cray for realz. Juliet later confronts her mother in the hospital about being such a bad person. Catherine’s pretty mellow though given that she’s on some tranquilizers. “I haven’t been on this many drugs since college,” she admits. Juliet being the wonderful supportive daughter counters with, “-“God you’re a total mess you know.” Um nurse, maybe this little sassy teen shouldn’t be the one delivering truthbombs to the lady on suicide watch?

Catherine eventually came home to stay at the Martin apartment because she couldn’t be left alone. Naturally, in her hospice state, she rocked a giant leopard duster/cape. I mean that’s what people wear when they’re recovering from a suicide attempt.

HENRY HAS A SAD FACE TO GO WITH HIS FORMER SAD BANGS

Damn this dude is having a rough patch. The police once again interrogate him about Tyler Barrett because now they have the cleaning lady—named Oksana, naturally—who remembers letting him into Tyler’s room. But Henry just wants to go home to his kids! Where are those little rugrats anyways! He gets home but apparently child services have taken the kids and their nanny, who I believe is named Anti-Freeze, away. Henry realizes that his father-in-law, Tim, has the twins so he goes to their house, which appears to be outside the city. Sidenote: Did we know the twins had loopy names too? Like Stache and Bex or something? Doesn’t anyone name their kids Joe in this version of New York City. Anyhoo, Tim then morphs into Victoria Grayson from Revenge and threatens to “destroy” Henry. Apparently, gramps knew that Henry and Siobhan were having an affair and he suspects Henry of being involved in Gemma’s disappearance.

Thinking she’s helping out, Siobhan goes and bribes Oksana, the hotel maid, to forget about seeing Henry. But Oksana ends up going to the police and telling them about the bribe. Henry is then royally angry at Siobhan because now the police think the two of them are in on it. Bridget is called into the police station and interrogated about the bribe which of course she knows nothing about because it was done by her twin. Lord. Is everyone still keeping up with this? Bridget then of course goes to Henry’s house and nearly runs into real Siobhan until Henry stops her. Bridget though begins to suspect that Henry is hiding something and may have actually killed Tyler. Good call, stripper.

MACHADO GETS SOME ANSWERS

Bridget finally admits to Machado that that Rex Barton guy had chased her before and that she killed the first assassin and hid him in a trunk but then that dude vanished. Machado goes and checks out the Barton home and breaks in when the dude’s family leaves. He finds a secret room in the basement, naturally, since this is Ringer. Inside there’s photos of Siobhan and Andrew as well as a deady body in a freezer. He shows the photos of the dead body and the one’s of Siobhan and Andrew to Bridget who recognizes the dead dude as the one she put in the trunk. Machado thinks that the person who organized all these hits is still out there and still wants Siobhan dead. Meanwhile, crazypants Catherine is listening on all of this. Machado leaves to go get the results from a fingerprint scan on the photos he found in Rex’s basement.

Juliet leaves to pick up some stuff at her mother’s apartment but not before passing the GINORMOUS PHOTO of Siobhan! Yes! Catherine asks Bridget to have some tea with her and possibly talk about why she doesn’t wear more prints. The gals sit down for some tea and then Bridge starts getting real woozy and sort of stumbles into the next room. She looks for her phone but instead realizes she’s rifling through Catherine’s purse. Then, she finds the phone that she stole from the original assassin guy! Or at least I think that’s what happened! This show is too complicated for a simpleton like me! Finally, Bridget collapses and Catherine enters the room and drops all the empty pills that she put in Bridget’s tea. Don’t trust ladies who wear leopard capes!! Truthbomb!

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