Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar) attempts to hide a body while Agent Machado (Nestor Carbonell) makes a really gross poop joke
Ioan Gruffudd and Sarah Michelle Gellar in Ringer
Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW

Is it me or does Ringer feel like its set in the 1980s? I mean let’s begin with the whole wall-sized photo of Siobhan which, to be fair, I love. Can you imagine if you walked into my apartment and it was just a giant photo of me? Let’s all just pause and think about that for like five secs…okay we’re done. So, also the whole like “We’re living uptown but are buying a loft downtown” feels realz 1980s. Like it feels like a rejected subplot from Wall Street or something. And then, SMG’s crazy high pony during the climactic party sequence was very American Psycho meets C+C Music Factory. So there are touches of ’80s and a little ’90s. I would like someone to announce either this show is set in the ‘80s/’90s and/or in Crazytown because that’s where tonight’s episode seemed to fall.

The second episode of Ringer picked up right after last week’s season premiere. Bridget, impersonating her fancypants sister Siobhan, killed a hitman in self-defense and was left with his body in her new aforementioned loft. Naturally, she decided to skip calling the police and call her hot AA sponsor Malcolm. This is kinda how her initial voicemail went: “Hey Malcolm. Miss you! Also I shot someone! Kthanksbye!” Not even joking. Thankfully, there were plenty of tarps around this construction site — in fact, this episode should have been called “Tarps.” They got a lotta action. Someone should check and see if Home Depot or Ty Pennington sponsored this.

Bridget was able to hide the body luckily before her BFF Gemma barged in and started stomping around. Going with the retro theme, I feel like Gemma is giving me a little Mayim Bialik. Anyhoo, there was a lot of Gemma almost stepping on the dead body and Bridget opening her eyes REALLY, “I’m worried!” wide. Apparently, her crazy eyes were distracting because Gemma did not notice any dead body.

Bridget went back to the loft the next day to take care of the body and once again fooled around with some power tools (hello Home Depot!). Also, not sure white is the best color to wear when disposing of a body. Bridget ended up calling Malcolm again and revealing what had happened. He convinced her to come and meet him. Unfortunately, Agent Machado showed up just as Bridget wanted to head out. She managed to evade him but not before he made a joke about coffee and wanting to use her bathroom. Did he ask to drop a deuce in Siobhan’s fancy loft?

We discovered that Andrew’s nickname for Siobhan is “Shiv” which frankly sounds like someone’s pet name for another inmate on Oz. I feel like “Ban” would be a better option. Meanwhile, we got our first view of Andrew’s job: he apparently works at what I’m going to call British People Inc. It’s a company that seemingly employs only British people and involves, from what I can tell, money. There’s also Andrew’s coworker whose name I never got but whom I’m going to call Cold Yet Slutty British Gal. The pair was very concerned about an important cocktail party that Siobhan was supposedly helping to plan. Clearly, British People Inc. is a serious company!

Meanwhile, Bridget decided she just wanted to get the hell outta NYC and meet up with her dreamy AA sponsor, Malcolm. So she went to the bank and emptied out Siobhan’s “emergency” account (“Does a shoe sale at Bergdorf count as an emergency?”). My immediate skepticism also reveals how gay I am but I thought How would this dumpy broad know about Bergdorf’s? She knows crystal meth not Christian Louboutin.

NEXT: Bridget stops a chubby fella from smooshing the dead body!

Speaking of meth (great transition, Tim!), Bridget also managed to pick up on Juliet’s burgeoning drug use. It’s like a sixth sense to ol’ Bridge. It also spurred a memory of Bridget being near-blackout drunk years ago and needing to call her sister for help. This was years ago when Siobhan used to wear Anne Taylor sundresses and jean jackets. Weirdly, I think Bridget had BETTER hair as a drunk. But I think these moments revealed a weak link in SMG’s acting abilities: Girl cannot play drunk. It just came across really fake and forced. Like a community theater production of Leaving Las Vegas.

So Andrew managed to convince Bridget not to run away because he needed her help. Also, he volunteered the loft as the party space, which meant Bridge needed to get there fast and deal with her little tarp/dead body situation. When she arrived at the loft, it was in full party mode complete with an over-the-top gay party planner (again, the ‘80s are calling). According to him, the party would have a “Titanic” theme, which seemed like an ill-conceived motif. But I guess that just mean a bunch of chandeliers and trunks. It seemed more bordello than sunken cruise liner. But trunks can fit dead bodies!

So, the party goes into full swing and SMG dons a ridiculous high-ponytail and an Alexander McQueen-esque gown. When SMG dresses up like this, it always makes me think of kids dressing up in their parents’ clothes, like a little girl wearing her mom’s jewelry or something. It just doesn’t seem right! But the party was hardly relaxing as Bridget was on Trunk Watch 2011. First challenge? FAT MAN ON TRUNK! FAT MAN ON TRUNK! Bridget found him a nice new place to eat his cheese. Then, Agent Machado showed up and thankfully did not take a poop (or maybe he did and we just didn’t see it). He did stir up some crap though by confronting Bridget that he believed she was hiding something in the loft. Well, what could he mean? Certainly, nothing in one of the lovely Titanic trunks!

Bridget naturally threw him out and the coast seemed clear. Until the hitman’s cell phone began ringing, Bridge once again was able to save the day by quickly opening the trunk and discovering the phone. While this happened, some creepy dude walked by and seemed to see what was hiding in there. He kinda looked like a skeevier Paul Bettany.

Andrew and Bridget returned home from the party and Bridge attempted to make a break for it. But she discovered Juliet puking in the bathroom and decided to help. Looks like she ain’t going to see Malcolm anytime soon.

Then, we had one of the most hilarious moments: real Siobhan slinking around Paris in a giant floppy hat. She went to the bank to take out money but was shocked to find that the account was empty! Then, she went outside and made a very stern phone call. “She’s ruining everything!” She shouted and hung up. Once again, zero phone etiquette. I’m not sure the other person even picked up! Can’t she just text these short, rude exclamations?!?


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