Ringer recap: Mucho Machado

Did I eat bad sushi for dinner? That was my immediate thought after I watched the opening sequence for last night’s Ringer. It was like a fever dream of craziness. Henry was being accused of murder (well that’s sorta fair). Andrew and Catherine were making out. A sniper was eyeing Bridget through a window in a scary warehouse! And then Bridget was lying on a dirty mattress with a gunshot wound! But it turned out to be a flashforward to two days from now. So there were probably too many flashbacks (At one point we flashed back to A YEAR AGO! I can hardly remember last week’s episode) but it’s all in service of them giving us answers…even if I totally forgot the initial question/mystery. Bonus points because no one spent time in an alley way tonight! And the GINORMOUS PORTRAIT was in the background of one of the numerous flashbacks in tonight’s episode.

HENRY MIGHT NEED TO TRY ONLINE DATING

Oh Henry. So the dude just seems in such a rough place with Siobhan and not really knowing what to do about the whole flashdrive situation. He finally approached his father in law about the flashdrive and convinced him to tell the authorities about Martin/Charles. His father-in-law, who has the awesome name Tim, said he would do what’s right. That meant he would turn Henry into the police under suspicion of killing Tyler Barrett. Whoops.

CATHERINE IS FROM THE FUTURE

So Juliet devised a plan to tell her mother that the family’s Palm Springs house was for sale and have her mother buy it because Juliet loved it so much and wanted to keep it in the family. “Oh who cares! Palm Springs is for gays and old people,” said Catherine. Um, gurl, I luv ya but you live in Miami. Who do you think lives there? So Catherine ended up meeting with this dude Toby who was interested in buying the property. Naturally, she called him Toby which instantly made the handsome man less sexy. Truthbomb: there are no sexy Tobys. Remember that ladies when you’re naming children. Anyhoo, Toby wanted the land for some sort of energy blah blah blah thing. Catherine then went to Andrew and offered him $3 million for the property which she claimed came from her dead aunt’s estate. Wow, maybe she’s actually a bad liar. The pair then had drinks and Catherine tried to kiss her way into a deal.

Alas, the Brit wouldn’t take it. He said if she brought back a fair offer then he’d sell her the land. Catherine decided to give all $10 million to buy back the house and went to meet Toby in a crazy power suit that sorta made her look like a futuristic realtor. Well, turns out, Andrew was behind all of this. Juliet had told him a week ago about the scam and he wanted to get his money back. He then threatened to have Catherine’s custody privileges revoked if she ever popped back up around Juliet. Revenge just sounds so much more delicious in a British accent.

NEXT: Bridge rocks a major Kim Zolciak wig with pink streaks MACHADO FINALLY GETS SOMETHING TO DO

It’s been like 19 episodes and now the dude finally got some storyline. Granted, it mostly was about how inept he was but beggars can’t be choosers! So he was still on this evil dry cleaner beat…which I still can’t believe is an actual plot point. Machado goes “undercover” which basically means he sits outside about 50 feet away and takes photos. Then, he approached one the people walking out and discovered the dude has money inside his suit. But then the two get in a huge fight and the footage goes everywhere. Machado is suspended and naturally goes to booze himself into a stupor. Poor guy. I mean he’s def no Sherlock Holmes but he seems to be the only person in the FBI working in the Ringer world.

Bridget goes to visit Machado as Siobhan and says that she’ll testify against the criminal and commit perjury. Machado won’t let her do it and then tells her why he’s so intent on getting Machado. Bridget then flashes back to her ole stripping days and remembers Shailene talking about some special guy. Bridge was also rocking a major Kim Zolciak wig with pink streaks. Finally Machado realizes that the best option is for them to fake Bridget’s death. The two head to an abandoned warehouse (Ringer‘s other favorite locales aside from Solomon’s car and alley ways are abandoned warehouses and lofts). Just as the pair are about to make their own little weird snuff film, an assassin comes bursting in and Bridget takes a major leap across the room. It was very Cirque du Soleil.

The killer thinks she’s dead because she’s used a fake blood packet that Machado has given to her for the big death fake. So she looks dead but then she blinks and spoils the masquerade. Oh stripper. The killer is just about to shoot her when Machado kills the dude. It turns out to be the weird looking guy who came after Bridget earlier in the season for the phone she stole off the dead guy. I could be getting this all wrong because, frankly, I barely remember this subplot. The dead man’s phone begins ringing and Machado answers. On the other end…Catherine!! Still in her futuristic realtor ensemble. Maybe she was selling him some land on Mars? Or maybe she’s the one who wants Siobhan (Bridget) dead?!

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