Ringer recap: Flash Forward

So Ringer recap fans, last week’s little experiment into abbreviated bitchery worked and from now on I think I’m just going to give you all my highlights of the episode. Ringer isn’t really a show that needs to be analyzed because, frankly, it’s as loopy as Anne Heche on a full moon. It’s best to just keep feelings about the show on a purely superficial level and, thankfully, your author excels at superficiality!!! Yay! My parents must be so proud. So here are the major talking points of last night’s episode which I gotta say was sort of a snoozefest.

SIOBHAN’S KINDA GETTING CHUBBY

So Siobhan is finally starting to show after like weeks of nothing. It’s like she all of a sudden has a mutant baby!! OMG is this show turning into American Horror Story? Is Siobhan pregnant with twins who have different fathers?!?! She certainly seems possessed by some kind of fashion demon given that she opened the show in a bolo tie. So we’re back in Paris with Siobhan and Tyler and they’re discussing what they should do about the evidence they’ve collected against Martin/Charles. Tyler says he’ll totally take care of Siobhan. Um, Tyler needs to realize he’s a hottie who can date non-cray cray ladies. Like what is the allure of Siobhan? Perhaps it’s that she has a baby-naming book called Designer Labels! That makes me love her actually. Tyler, though, goes behind her back and actually takes all the evidence including the flash drive she took off Andrew’s computer.

Siobhan realizes that Tyler is going to ruin her plan so she calls Henry and tells him to get that flash drive back from Tyler. He, in turn, tells her that Malcolm thinks Bridget/Siobhan are in danger from Andrew. Siobhan realizes he’s getting “too close to the truth” and gives Malcolm her own call. Lord this show is confusing to recap. Siobhan calls Malcolm pretending to be Bridget and yells at him for talking to Henry. She then says she wants nothing more to do with him. Weirdly, Malcolm doesn’t seem to care that she’s calling from a strange, blocked number. Also, she’s dressed in an adult christening gown during this whole scene, much like the infantata from…AMERICAN HORROR STORY!!! Coincidence?!?!

TOO MUCH MACHADO

Ugh. I can’t believe we’re still dealing with his ugly Macawi dude and sad Agent Machado. Well, Machado just got even sadder when we were privy to flashbacks which showed that he was actually in love with Bridget’s stripper pal, Shaylene, who was murdered by Macawi. Also, we got to see SMG play slutty stripper Bridget which just came off as unnatural; it’s like when people put little boots on their dogs. Also, Bridget and Shaylene worked at some club called “Harry’s Fun Room.” Um no. That is not a good strip club name. Like shouldn’t there be some kind of a reference to boobs? Clearly, I am not the target audience for these places but I felt like I should voice my displeasure. Anyways, Shaylene ends up getting dismembered by Macawi and it’s revealed that she was actually four weeks preggers. Damn, ladies on this show are very fertile! Machado did get some good news at the end of the episode as Malcolm agreed to testify against Macawi for kidnapping him. But as he hangs up he answers the door and Andrew’s there!!! And the camera angle is tilted!!! Things are getting unstable!!!

ANDREW’S BRITISH ACCENT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST CLUE

So it turns out Andrew is actually the one who came up with the ponzi scheme and is not the nice guy we all thought. Oh well. At least he’s rich. You can’t get everything, Bridget. Meanwhile, she tells Malcolm everything and he begins to suspect that Andrew might be the one behind the hit on Siobhan. Well, duh, dude. We sorta all thought that from the very beginning. Nice of you to catch up.

Speaking of evil British people, Olivia is uber-pissed that Andrew told Siobhan about the ponzi scheme but she also needs to deal with a mole within the company. She ends up discovering that the mole is Tyler and asks him to come to New York. She threatens Tyler not to go the authorities with the evidence and he hands over everything, except for the flash drive. Eventually, nearly everyone in the cast ends up at Tyler’s hotel, the poorly named Soho Diamond and there’s lots of awkward run-ins and -outs. I feel like Bridget entered and exited the hotel like three times during the last 15 minutes. On her last trip in, she goes to Tyler’s room and he’s been murdered by someone. The next scene, though, is Olivia holding the flash drive. Also, she has a nefarious British accent. That adds up to Villain!!!

Also, what happened to the dude from Save the Last Dance?

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