Juliet's plan hits a major snag and Bridget comes face to face with someone from her past
Credit: Scott Alan Humbert/The CW

Tonight’s episode of Ringer was literally called “Whores Don’t Make That Much.” Sadly, that was going to be the title of my autobiography but I guess it’s already been taken. Great minds think alike, Ringer writers! Still, I love that was not only the title but also a line on this series.

So Malcolm finally popped up. I guess dude has been pulling some late nights at Andrew’s firm like fixing email bugs or something. He goes back with Bridget to check out Siobhan’s poorly decorated office. But all the ugly stuff is gone! There’s no longer that atrocious statue of a person balancing on the back of a horse! Clearly, there’s been some sort of bad taste robbery or Siobhan cleared the place out. Then, Malcolm decides he should put a tracker app on Bridget’s phone so he can know where she is at all times. This seems like an important piece of information that will come up at a later time!

Cut to the Martin apartment. GINORMOUS PHOTO ALERT!!! Catherine shows up and drops a major bomb on Andrew…and no it does not involve pooh. Catherine tells Andrew that she thinks Juliet should move with her to Florida. Yeah because Florida is a perfect place for someone who needs to stay off drugs. Nothing sketchy happening in Miami. Nooooo. Not at all. Catherine says that she hasn’t “had a sip in days.” Ha! Um wasn’t it not that long ago that she was tanked in their living room and setting photos of Juliet on fire?!? GINORMOUS PHOTO AGAIN!!!!!

Cut to Juliet’s public school and cue hip hop music. Wow, this show is so delicately produced. Tessa rolls up to school in a giant new SUV and of course Juliet freaks out. Random thought: Tessa is like a bootleg version of Alicia Silverstone but with really bad lip gloss. She hilariously admits to Juliet that she’s keeping all her money ($3 million) under her bed!!! Oh Tessa. I would expect nothing less from someone with such bad taste in make up. Um then she walks away and literally says, “Back up, bitches.” The Writer’s Guild is just not honoring this show enough.

Henry shows up at Andrew’s office just as he and Malcolm are arriving. I think this is the first time all 3 male actors on this show have been in the same scene. Malcolm leaves but still eavesdrops on their conversation. Henry tells Andrew he wants to cash all his money out of the company.

Bridget gets a call to confirm a standing floral arrangement from 2007 sent to Nancy Painter on…1947 Main St!!! That’s the address she found on that piece of paper in Siobhan’s poorly decorated office. So naturally Bridget heads to check that address. The woman at the address of course thinks Bridget is Siobhan and apparently the special day is the lady’s birthday. Bridget notices photos of Sean, the little kid we’ve only seen photos and brief flashbacks of, on the woman’s mantle. And she realizes she’s in the home of Sean’s grandmother. My question? Who the hell is Sean? Gimme some answers Ringer.

Well thank god we then have a flashback to when Siobhan and Bridget used to live in a poorly decorated Lake Tahoe apartment. Wood paneling? Yikes. So turns out that Sean is Siobhan’s son with some dude named Dylan who likes Western shirts. Also, even in Lake Tahoe, Siobhan was a giant bitch. I’m not sure you can be so high and mighty when you have wood paneling. Just my thoughts.

Juliet met with Mr. Carpenter, who was dressed up like Hollow Man, to discuss Tessa’s carelessness with the money. He tells her that he’ll “take care of it” which sounds pretty sketchy. Also, why are these two meeting in such a public place?!? Why is no one smart on this show?!? The next day, Juliet goes to school and hears that Tessa has been brutally beaten.

NEXT: Tessa’s foster mother thinks she’s either a cheap hooker or a drug dealer

Later, Siobhan texts Henry to make sure he got his money out of Andrew’s company and he says yes and tells her that Malcolm is now working there. Siobhan responds with a “What?!” which made me laugh out loud since she texts like she’s a teenager. And then she tells Henry he needs to “stay on top” of Malcolm. What does that mean? And why do I always immediately take it to the gutter?

Dylan shows up at the Martin house with the flowers that Bridget brought to his mother. The pair fight because Dylan wants nothing to do with (faux) Siobhan. We later find out through another flashback that Bridget had allowed Dylan to take Sean to the county fair or something and, while driving back, a car hit the trio and Sean was killed. Can we please have a moratorium on the car hitting another car out of nowhere? It’s a lil’ overdone at this point. We later flashback to Sean’s funeral and see the interaction between Siobhan and Bridget. Siobhan basically tells Bridget she never wants to see her again. Oh and she also bitch slaps her which seems harsh since Bridge is already rocking a sling.

Juliet goes to see Tessa in the hospital and gurl don’t look good. She actually kinda looks like Lisbeth Salander with the raccoon eyes in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Tessa’s foster mother is there and weirdly dressed like Mrs. Claus with white fur sleeves. And she seems to think that Tessa was dealing drugs. Says the trashy Mrs. Claus, “I thought maybe she was turning tricks but whores don’t make that much.” Brutes.

So Henry and Malcolm run into each other at Andrew’s firm again and Henry asks Malcolm if he can help him out with computer stuff. Malcolm then notices that Henry has the silver key that Bridget had told him about. So he decides to take the job to look after the suspicious dude.

Juliet once again has a run in with Mr. Carpenter. This time he grabs her and pulls her into an alley. People on Ringer spend a lot of time in alleys. Like no one in New York that I know ever hangs out in alleys. I can’t even tell you where the nearest alley is. Anyhoo, she accuses Carpenter of beating Tessa, which he denies and then she runs off. She calls someone on the phone and says “Your plan is out of control.”

Blah blah Bridget forgives Dylan and he thinks it’s Siobhan forgiving him. Blah blah tears. Emotions.

ANOTHER GINORMOUS PHOTO ALERT!!!! Andrew tells Bridget that Juliet thinks Miami might be a good new start for Juliet but he wants to fight for custody of her. Um, dude let her go. She’s cranky and her storyline is wack. Then Bridget gets a call from Malcolm and talks about how she really wants to feel like herself and not Siobhan. This all occurs with the GINORMOUS PHOTO in the background. Again, very subtle Ringer directors!

The final scene is a doozy though where Juliet is seen talking to whomever has orchestrated this crazy con. It turns out it’s…HER MOTHER. It’s Catherine!!! And of course she’s wearing a crazy pattern and fur!!!!

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