Ringer recap: Catherine the Great

So any episode of television that is titled “What are you doing here, Ho-bag?” pretty much has me on board immediately. If I had a nickel for everytime I’ve said that, I’d be having a little vending machine party right now. Clearly, Ringer is not Downton Abbey and I think we all are cool with that. I have no idea if that show has GINORMOUS PHOTOS of its castmembers so I have much less interest. Also, I’m guessing Mags Smith never has uttered “ho-bag.” That’s what makes Ringer so special: It has no fear of being completely cray cray and over the top! That’s admirable in a primetime soap.

To begin with, I’m obsessed with Juliet’s mother, Catherine, played by Andrea Roth. She’s like the Brandi Glanville of Ringer and I mean that as a compliment. She arrives at the beginning of this episode just a whirling dervish of fur, animal prints, and cleavage. And her arrival was just awesome. Bridget arrives home and sees wine bottles and mess everywhere and of course assumes it’s trashbag Juliet. But then Juliet shows up and they continue to search the apartment before finally landing on the bathroom. There in the clawfoot tub is Catherine, basically bathing in wine. She chose a red but I tend to think a luxurious bath demands a prosecco or champagne. Her line to Bridget: “What’s your problem, Siobhan? This was my tub first anyways!” Zing! Love ya Catherine.

So Andrew has Catherine stay with them because it’s good for Juliet. I don’t really buy that but okay! The next day Bridget decides to make pancakes for all of them and even wears an apron. Does Chanel make aprons? Catherine ruins that though but running with Juliet through the apartment and taking her to breakfast and shopping. Again — love her!

Speaking of shopping, Siobhan takes the ring Andrew gave Bridget to the pawn shop and sells it for $15,000 which sounds like a total scam. Do pawn shops really have $15k just lying around? I thought that was a place you go to like hock your old VHS cassettes, not six-figure jewelry. Siobhan once again gets back in touch with Tyler in Paris who pleads with her to come back and he’ll even book her return trip for her. But Siobhan says she can handle it with her own guy, Solomon. Solomon & Siobhan sounds like a fun buddy comedy…much like my other fave title, Chico & Rita, which is an animated film nominated for an Oscar this year. I like to think it’s about two lovestruck pineapples. Anyhoo.

Then stuff started getting really confusing. Bridget realized that Siobhan hadn’t been staying at the Hotel Pivoine in Boston but actually the one in Paris. She ended up calling Andrew’s office to figure out when the couple last traveled there and Andrew’s secretary connected her to Tyler, who’s head of their European offices. Tyler then thought Bridget was Siobhan and mentioned Solomon on the phone. But then Tyler called Siobhan’s cell number and Siobhan realized that Bridget was onto her. Whew. Did everyone keep up with that? I may have missed a step since I haven’t been that confused since Inception.

NEXT: Agent Machado gets realz confused

Siobhan then went and met a mysterious dude in an alleyway. I have to say as someone living in New York, if I ever saw someone chattin’ it up in an alley I would be like, “911! Helloooo! Sketchiness ’round the corner!” Like no one has meet ups in alleyways unless they’re totally sketch. The dude had fake passports under the name of Cora for Siobhan but she decided she actually needed a new pseudonym now that Bridget is onto her. So they left and the dude just ripped the passports in half and tossed them in the trash. Unfortunately, Justin Bieber—I mean—Henry was waiting behind a doorway and snatched up those lil passports.

Naturally, Henry then thought that Siobhan was actually Bridget and called Agent Machado to question her. But Siobhan’s fingerprints of course didn’t match Bridget’s so sad lil Machado was once again befuddled. There was even a scene where Machado tried writing down the series of events to figure out the plot of Ringer. Gurl, believe me, I’ve tried. You just gotta go with the flow. Logic isn’t really an issue. Then, he got even worse news when Jimmy Kemper, the corrupt other agent, confessed to the murders that scary bad guy, Malawi or whatever, had actually committed! Oh sad Machado.

Back in NYC, Juliet’s principal, who I forgot was played by Tara’s mom from True Blood, brought security footage to the apartment (cue shot of GINORMOUS PHOTO!!) Turns out Juliet actually pursued Mr. Carpenter. Whoops. So Catherine was none too pleased about that and completely blew up. Then, later, in my fave scene, she started drunkenly burning photos of young Juliet. “I’m having a funeral for my daughter, the slut!” Love!! Also she was wearing like crazy silk, animal print pajamas when Andrew threw her out in a rage. But of course that wasn’t the end of Catherine: She returned to say goodbye to Juliet who had already left for school. Catherine for some reason brought up the fact that when Siobhan used to write about her rendezvous with Andrew they were always anagrams — like Lucy’s Cafe was Yuck’s Leaf! I laughed out loud. That’s when Bridget remembered that she and her sister loved word jumbles. This time, I just chuckled on the inside.

Bridget went through Siobhan’s old date book and found the name — hold for laughter — Moses Valsandio. Yeah that sounds like someone Siobhan would be meeting with. Bridge naturally started playing a lil word jumble action and realized this dude was Solomon. She called him and set up her “usual” which meant he would pick her up in an hour. So Solomon is actually the lead guy from Save the Last Dance! God, I hope there’s a moment where Bridget rips her blouse and turns it into a head scarf. Anyways, Solomon asks if he should take her to their usual spot which involves having the gun with her. Hmmm. She balks and so he then says he’ll take her to the other usual spot which is the airport. Bridget asks when was the last time she went to the airport and Solomon says it was when she went to Wyoming to look for an old friend. Oh damn!! Siobhan had known where Bridget was this whole time! And she was in Wyoming!! What is going on?

While Bridget was out, my fave guest star Gage Golightly (!) showed up as Juliet’s slutty classmate. Juliet greeted her with the aforementioned classic, “What are you doing here, Ho-bag?” And Gage said that she was also forced to have sex with Mr. Carpenter! Also, Juliet is a bad actress.

Things got even crazier at the very end when Siobhan made Henry come with her and wait outside the Martins’ apartment. Then, Bridget showed up and walked inside and Henry realized both sisters were now in New York. Siobhan also told him she’s still pregnant with his child!

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