Bridget discovers that Siobhan has a secret office; Siobhan plays Henry something that freaks him out...and it's not Lana Del Rey on SNL!
Credit: The CW

Happy Valentine’s Day Ringer fans. At first I thought I could gift you all with GINORMOUS PHOTOS of yourselves a la Siobhan. But then I realized that would end up being a lot of work and real, real creepy. So your gift is reading my bitchy thoughts on this crazytrain of a show! Isn’t that better than a dozen roses? Or a gift certificate for unlimited breadsticks and salad at the Olive Garden?

So Bridget is once again going for a ride with the star of Save the Last Dance aka Solomon. He’s helping her fill out some details of Siobhan’s cray cray past. So the last time he says he drove Siobhan was on Sept. 8, which, coincidentally, was, the same day of the horrible green screen sequence—I mean—horrible boat accident where Siobhan supposedly died. They retrace the steps of their drives on that fateful day and the first stop is Siobhan’s secret office. First of all, Siobhan needs a new decorator because this place did not look so hot. It was like where Art Deco went to die. I’m surprised she didn’t have one of those desk toys with the silver balls that like clank back and forth together. Not classy. Ooooh but wait: Real Siobhan is hiding in the closet with a gun!!! But wait even more dangerous are those hideous duel halogen lamps!!!

Bridget returns to the car and sits up front, thus removing any more uncomfortable Driving Miss Daisy feelings. She asks Solomon if he recognizes this key that she found under the desk. Naturally, he didn’t but he also seemed way more concerned about her being in the front seat. Is it possible that Bridge has really bad B.O.? I mean I feel like we’ve only seen her take one shower this whole season. It’s possible.

Oh Siobhan is totally using dumb dumb Henry. She tells him that she let Bridget impersonate her because she needed time to breath and think about the baby. She doesn’t want her life back yet though because she wants to make sure she can get out of her marriage while still rich. Naturally, Henry goes along with that. Doesn’t seem suspicious at all!

Juliet’s lawyer is Elle Woods’ sorority sister from Legally Blonde!! It’s like this show is all of a sudden being cast with alums from my favorite movies. Sorority girl looks like she could use a visit to that salon that Elle worked at. Pause—I’m obsessed that this episode is directed by someone named Guy Bee. With that and guest star Gage Golightly, I’m pretty sure half the cast of this show is ashamed to use their real names. But back to Juliet: She keeps messing up the details of the story, which enrages Catherine.

Ugh awful British lady Olivia is back. She goes to visit Henry and ends up once again trying to get him to ask his father-in-law to invest with her firm. She shows Henry the photo she stole off of his phone of him and Siobhan in bed. Once again, oh dumb dumb Henry.

NEXT: Bridget goes to a really sad coffee shopNow comes the weirdest scene maybe in Ringer history: Solomon takes Bridget to this rando coffee shop because she “used to sit at that chess table for hours.” So Bridget goes in and finds the table, which has a weird slot in it so that people can write their wishes on paper and then drop them in the slot. Huh? Is this a thing? This is one sad ass coffee shop. So Bridget decides to break into the drawer and look through other people’s wishes. She stumbles upon one written in Siobhan’s stationary (!) that says “I wish I could forgive my sister but I can’t” and then had the date of Sept. 8 on it. How convenient?! Also, how weird. She would just come here and drop wishes in that slot? Um no. Me no believe that.

Henry is next seen having drinks with his father-in-law who’s played by Gregory Harrison and, may I just say, he’s on a fine aging program. Hello there gentleman! Henry eventually gets him to invest in Andrew and Olivia’s firm and destroys the incriminating photo.

But then he heads over to Siobhan’s hotel room and has a little quickie. While she’s in the shower, Tyler calls on Skype and Henry answers. Do people really call on Skype without advance notice? Like no. So of course seeing another dude in Siobhan’s bed freaks out Tyler. Awkward!

I’m obsessed with Catherine’s court outfit, which totally looked like she should be at a Real Housewives reunion. LOVE. Meanwhile, at the courthouse, Juliet is in the bathroom with Tessa and Tessa says that she made up the sexual assault rumors about Mr. Carpenter. Then she runs out and Juliet chases after her. But there was someone in one of the stalls. Yep, Juliet’s pal, Andrea, was either droppin’ a deuce or eavesdropping. So the Martins have to drop the case since Tessa admitted to lying but Carpenter then sues them for libel. Catherine manages to get Andrew to agree to settle with Carpenter, albeit for millions. Hmmmm. Something’s fishy.

Bridget and Solomon once again go on a little road trip around NYC and this time head to another favorite spot, the firing range. Bridget sees that there is a photo of John/Charlie in the firing range. Yikes! She realizes that Siobhan and John must have known each other and there could possibly be someone still after her.

So Siobhan manages to get Tyler to believe that Henry was her brother! Her brother was lying in her hotel room bed in a robe! Is no one intelligent or suspicious on this show?!? Later, Siobhan goes into the Martin apartment and finds the key Bridget stole.

Holy Wild Things!!!! Juliet, Tessa and the pervy teacher Mr. Carpenter were all in on it!! Clearly someone on the Ringer staff also loves that movie featuring the infamous Neve Campbell and Denise Richards make out scene.

Siobhan meets with Henry and tells him that she needs to go back to Paris. Henry tells her that he got his father in law to invest in Martin/Charles and Siobhan freaks out. She tells him that his father in law is going to lose a ton of money and then opens the box and plays him something. Henry looks stunned and just says “Oh My God.” I’m guessing it was the new Seal album.

Bridget heads back to the badly decorated office that we now see has a statue of a person dancing on a horse!!!! Holy tacky !!! Meanwhile Solomon checks out the closet and notices high-heel footprints in the closet. Um they looked like someone literally stepped in a giant pile of chalk dust and then walked in the closet. Like what was Siobhan doing before she hid in the closet? Cleaning chalkboards at the local school? Taking a baking class and the flour got outta hand? Oh Ringer.

Follow Tim on Twitter: @EWTimStack

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