Ringer recap: Sorry Charlie

The holidays came early for pretty much every Ringer fan and me: Last night’s episode had perhaps a record number of shots of the GINORMOUS PHOTO OF SIOBHAN. It was in the episode so much it should have gotten a special shout-out in the credits. Speaking of the credits, I’m obsessed with the fact that one of the guest stars is named Gage Golightly (upon further research, I realized she seems to be the slutty bad girl who got in a fight with Juliet). Anyways, back to GINORMOUS PHOTO OF SIOBHAN — there were literally moments when I thought that monstrosity would start talking, which would have been simultaneously awesome, and the moment when Ringer jumped the shark. But let’s get to what actually happened in tonight’s fall finale.

So the episode picked up pretty much right after the most recent with Bridget and Malcolm realizing that Charlie isn’t what he seems. Bridge returns home to find the floor covered in white roses which I’m sure is gonna be a real pain for their maid to take care of. Andrew redecorated since the next day would be their six-year anniversary. So the pair then make sweet sweet love. Post sex, Bridget naturally takes a few moments to stare at the GINORMOUS PHOTO of her sister. Malcolm eventually shows up with the phone he stole from Charlie’s house. Turns out it was Gemma’s phone and not Charlie’s.

We then cut to Paris with Siobhan meeting Tyler in their standard hotel bar. Once again, all of Siobhan’s accessories are gigantic. It’s like she zapped everything with that laser from Honey I Blew Up the Baby. But it turns out she was wearing her huge sunglasses for a reason: Siobhan has a black eye. She tells Tyler that it’s from Andrew but then we see in flashback that she actually just hit herself with the medicine cabinet. Beating yourself up is like the biggest trend this TV season (see: Tyler on Revenge). Anyway, Siobhan attempts to win back Tyler’s sympathy but it doesn’t seem to work.

After Malcolm tips them off, the police pay a visit to Charlie’s house but they don’t find anything because he’s moved Gemma and her ugly fur vest! He decides that something must be done and calls Siobhan to tell her he’s going to get rid of Gemma. She’s insistent that he leave her alone but crazy Charlie doesn’t care. Also, he weirdly talks to her during this important conversation on speakerphone. I guess so that was so he could villainously pour a drink. That’s his version of twirling a mustache.

Back in Wyoming (ugh, can we just move on from this place?), Agent Machado arrives at the crime scene of a murder victim. Turns out it was another stripper and another alum of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Amber Benson who played Tara! Does everyone post-Sunnydale end up workin’ the pole on TV? Run for your life, Charisma Carpenter! Anyhoo, turns out dead Tara was actually one of Machado’s sources and said that evil big baddie after Bridget had a spy on the inside of the FBI who he called the Matador. Or something like that. Frankly, this whole storyline was kinda confusing and not all that interesting.

Henry was looking total cray cray in this episode. He shows up to Siobhan and Andrew’s apartment with Bieber bangs and an outfit that can best be described as appropriate for a 1963 key party. Very confusing. Bridget tries to explain to him all the developments with looking for Gemma but he just seemed annoyed that so many new people, like Malcolm and Charlie, were involved.

NEXT: Andrew and Bridget spend their anniversary in a totally fake Penn Station!

Charlie later shows up at the apartment and basically asks Bridget to pay him ransom for the return of Gemma. Bridge naturally goes to the closet where she spends approximately hours and hours of her time. Andrew walks in on her counting up the cash and is naturally suspicious. She explains the whole Gemma kidnapping thing and that she has to meet Charlie at Penn Station to deliver the money. Oh, and happy anniversary, Andrew! Dinner at Daniel would have been fun but a ransom drop is sooooo much more romantic! Andrew helps up the bounty by offering the $200,000 (!) ring that he bought Bridget for their anniversary.

Dear People Who Do Not Live in New York,

Penn Station looks NOTHING like the train station they used on “Ringer.” Think a plethora of Sbarros and body odor.

Kthnxbye

Bridget and Andrew attempt to make the drop at Fake Penn Station but Charlie sees cops outside. It seems that Henry Bieber alerted the cops after he caught Charlie paying a visit to Martin’s apartment. Good work, dude. Get back in your time machine and hit a Beatles concert.

In between all of this, we had a truly hein Juliet story line. She and her classmates had to help clean their school, which was 1) ludicrous and 2) yet another bad picture of public schools. I went to public school and have no recollection of it being littered with trash. I’m expecting Coolio to show up next year and sing “Gangster’s Paradise.” Anyway, Juliet was flirting with Mr. Carpenter until he got angry. He sent Juliet’s friend out of the classroom and shut the door. Later, Juliet Skyped with her gal pal and said that Mr. Carpenter raped her. What in the hell kind of plotline is this? Soooo rando.

Back to Fake Penn Station, angry Charlie is in the garage and opens up his car trunk to reveal sad Gemma. He pulls out a gun and shoots her. Then he goes to his storage facility to I’m guessing dump the body but Gemma pops up and knocks him out. According to her, he has a “bad aim.” Um, he was maybe a foot away from her at most. This is even more unbelievable than the high school trash pickup. But then Charlie shoots Gemma for real and is dragging her body to the storage facility when he encounters none other than Siobhan. Clearly she took some kind of supersonic jet, which had Charlie radar because she arrived just in the nick of time. Oh and she arrived with a gun which she used to shoot Charlie.

Back in Wyoming, Machado arrived at a deserted location when his partner — who’s name I can never remember — told him he had a lead on the Matador. Long story short, the partner dude who helped Bridget originally go on the run is the Matador and blah blah blah he got arrested. Snooze.

More fun: Siobhan is in a cab on the way home from her storage facility murder of Charlie when she gets a call from Tyler. He paid her hotel bill and retrieved some items from the room. One the items was her positive pregnancy test! Who keeps something they peed on?!? What is wrong with her? Add this to her bad phone etiquette and Siobhan is not a very classy lady. Someone should leak this to the Post. Or at least do a Blind Item. She also told Tyler that she’s be staying in NYC for a while!

Bridget and Malcolm cleaned his things out of Charlie’s fake apartment but not before finding an envelope with Siobhan’s name and what appeared to be a French address. Bridget is convinced that there’s more to this whole mystery. Then we got an amazingly campy split screen with Bridget’s worried face and Siobhan’s Olsen twin-esque sunglasses. Hilarious and pure Ringer…just in case we forgot there were TWO OF THEM!

Sadly, we won’t see a new episode ’til January but BIG NEWS: it looks like Bridget gets bangs!!!!

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