In the calm aftermath of the first responders party, evidence continues to pile up in the case of the Marcheses v. everyone else.

By Jake Perlman
Updated August 11, 2014 at 01:03 AM EDT
Bravo

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

S6 E5
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Just in case you missed the end of last week’s explosive first responders party that continued into tonight’s episode, let’s catch you up; everybody hates Jim and Amber. Good, now you’re caught up.

After calling Joe Gorga a dumbf—, Jim tried to leave the party with Amber calmly out the front door. But this is Jersey, so nothing remains calm for long. Joe Gorga quickly went after the two to continue to defend his (new-found) love for his brother-in-law Joe Giudice. One year ago these two were fighting against each other, now they are fighting for each other. This would be the part where the live studio audience would say “awwww,” but we are still talking about physical violence, so let’s not sugarcoat an already sticky situation. In fact, there is so much love now in the Gorga/Giudice world that Melissa and Teresa (and Rino and a bunch of other people) follow Joe outside. Joe Giudice, however, remained indoors. See—people do change and learn!

Joe Gorga was (rightfully) only willing to apologize for spitting in Jim’s face while getting a little too close for comfort for everyone, especially Jim, who could only hurt a fly if he had a deposition planned against him. Seriously, the way this guy abuses his power through his job and throws it around like it’s a potential threat against everyone is simply disgusting. “I’m trained as an attorney. If I want to hurt you, I’m going to sue you.” As if Joe and Theresa need another legal run-in…

Still in her sexy nurse costume, Teresa tries to find a calm moment with Jim and Amber (see above: doesn’t last long) but once again Jim stretches the truth about why he didn’t want to interact with the Joes during guys’ night out. Once Dina and Melissa joined in on the conversation, Jim took it as an attack, so he attacked them back the only way he knows how, with his words. Let’s let this exchange between Jim and Dina explain the rest.

“Does anyone here have an IQ above 12?” –Jim

“You have a very condescending way of talking to people.” –Dina

“I’ll talk however I choose.” –Jim

“The magnitude of his douchebaggery could clean a whale’s vagina.” –Dina

Oh how I would have loved for that last line to be said to directly to his face, but a confessional will do, too. As the party actually seems to settle down and Jim and Amber leave, the hosts themselves (Bobby and Nicole) start to fight with each other because at this point why not? There really is no other explanation except for bad vibes and energy in the air and everyone starts to realize that. Amber was able to completely dilute the situation to focus the attention on anyone else besides her.

NEXT: Putting Humpty Dumpty back together again

With the drama of the party behind them, the Giudices decided they needed a wake-up call. Well actually Joe decided to get a chicken coop like the one his late father had in upstate New York for some fresh eggs, a new alarm clock and supposed added responsibility for his four daughters. Surprise? Never have there been so many pairs of Ugg boots in a chicken coop at one time. Not surprisingly, Milania grew closest to the chickens/her new family in the shortest amount of time. Dina used her recovery time to go on her date with Matt from the party, the only potential good thing to result. Though he was over 30 minutes late to arrive at New York’s Serendipity 3 restaurant, Matt was still sweet and at least apologetic for his flat tire. [Side note: He did not meet the restaurant’s strict $8.50 per person minimum. Bravo must have covered the tab.]

As the epicenter of the storm, Amber and Jim needed some calm time, too. Uh oh, guess that means it won’t last long and look—just on cue is Bobby coming over to try and “figure out how to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.” (I think that was a general metaphor and not referring to a specific person, but can we please call Jim Humpty Dumpty?) Bobby is the connecting piece between Nicole and Amber and therefore the initial rumor that was started and brought up at the party. But even though he has been friends with Jim for over a decade and treats Amber like a sister, Bobby is sticking to his love on this one even when Jim goes on a nasty and unnecessary tirade against Nicole and Bobby’s actual feelings toward her. And just like that, their friendship is over.

Now back to the important stuff: chickens. Unfortunately, the Giudices’ dog Simba ended up eating two of the chickens (thankfully not on camera), so Joe, Milania, and Rosie went out chicken shopping together. The past few seasons we have really seen the relationship between Joe and Rosie grow into something really special, especially against the crazy backdrop of the other dynamic relationships in their family. Rosie uses their time away together to remind Joe that she is always there for him and his family if he ever needs a distraction—like perhaps going chicken shopping—to get his mind off some things. As excited as I am about Manzo’d with Children, a My Cousin Rosie spin-off needs to happen ASAP.

Teresa knows what it feels like to be alienated by others cause it’s been done to her before, so she agrees to meet Amber and Dina at a day spa to work out their differences while getting facials. It must have been Amber’s idea to get a facial, a.k.a. have a person brushing literal bird poop all over your face when you’re trying to talk to someone because it wasn’t a very good one logistically at least. Amber tells them that Jim feels badly over his “abrasive” behavior but her own problem seems to only be with Melissa telling the twins what she had told her in the first place. It’s a messy game of he said/she said that doesn’t get them any closer to a resolution, no matter how many times a video flashback can prove one side right or wrong. Teresa suggests just as she and Melissa worked through their differences, so should Amber. “Jesus forgives the worst murderers in the world and if Jesus can do it, I can do it.” Oh God—did Amber really just compare herself to Jesus? And Melissa to the worst murderers?

After some cool-down time, the pair decide to meet. Amber stated she wasn’t looking for an apology from Melissa, “just explanation and empathy for what she started.” In other words, Amber is looking for an apology from Melissa, who greets her with a slightly passive questioning of how her head was feeling, immediately bringing up the “trashy beyond belief” hair pull moment from the party. You have to be a little suspicious of her actions when Melissa literally can’t wait to sit down before she brings up the drama. The main arguments between the two are that Amber is mad that Melissa told the twins what she had “heard through the grapevine,” but Melissa doesn’t understand why Amber put her in the middle in the first place. One thing Amber makes clear is that she doesn’t want to speak to the twins again (I think the feeling is mutual) and is considering doing the same with Melissa. But for what reason? Seriously, this woman gets nuttier by the minute. As Melissa accurately puts it, she had welcomed Amber back into her life with open arms and introduced her to her friends and family only now to be treated like she is a demon of some sort. No one understands what Amber’s agenda is, besides trying to make good TV and a season 7 renewal contract. When Melissa tries to organize another time for the woman to all sit down and talk, Amber simply says it’s “not happening” and things end on a calm note, which can only mean more rage next week.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey

The Jersey housewives and extended clans keep the Garden State interesting.
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