Reign recap: Abandoned
A Protestant rebel attack forces Condé to make a life-changing decision.
I’m just going to say it: I’m glad this Mary-Condé story seems to have come to an end. He’s super hot, and I like him, but it was really starting to feel repetitive: Mary reassures Condé that she loves him, she and Francis argues, Condé contemplates if this is the right move … lather, rinse, repeat. But now, not only has he committed treason, but Mary knows about it, so things should get interesting from here.
We kick things off with a children’s choir—children singing is never a good thing—when a group of Protestant rebels kill a bunch of monks and take the children captive in a monastery. Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.
Meanwhile, in the woods, Mary is reuniting with Condé who apparently went home for a few weeks to think. And now? Mary still loves him and he can’t resist those teary eyes. So instead of breaking it off, they makeout.
But you know who’s not making out? Bash and Kenna. When Bash returns from the woods, Kenna confronts him about his new “friend” whom he has been spending all of her time with. All he tells her is that his new friend has both a name and breasts. So is Bash really hooking up with the Woman in White? If her healing you can lead to bad things, I definitely wouldn’t sleep with her, Bash. I can only imagine some of her … powers.
Once inside the castle, Bash updates Francis and Mary on the situation at the monastery. Forty men are dead, and there are 19 hostages inside. But with so many of France’s troops in Scotland, they don’t have a team equipped for a hostage situation. So while Bash preps some of the castle guards as a last resort, Mary and Francis attempt to soothe the minds of some of the parents of those captured.
The entire situation gives Mary flashbacks to her rape, and Francis reassures her that she’s safe. However, their moment is short-lived because Condé is back and Francis is pissed with a capital “P.”
Speaking of people who are usually pissed, Catherine is currently venting to Narcisse about her hatred of Condé—she wants to crush him in her fist (which I personally would love to watch her attempt). But Narcisse has a plan: He gets some of his men to plant some dead bodies at the monastery with Condé’s seal. That way, Condé would look like he was a part of the Protestant attack. Oh, and Narcisse and Catherine are 100 percent hot and heavy now (and there still isn’t a bathtub in sight.)
Also, can we talk about how France’s “great lover” just said, “I don’t want you satisfied that quickly.” He doesn’t sound that great to me right about now.
In town, Lola and Kenna visit Greer’s gorgeous new house, where they learn that not only is their friend a madam, but she’s kind of the biggest, baddest madam in all the land. Basically, she’s loaded and she had a job that requires her to have champagne ready at all times. It’s official: My 16th-century job would be a madam. (Don’t judge me.)
I know, you probably expected me to say that my 16th-century job would be a queen, but let’s just consider what Mary’s having to deal with right now: The Protestant rebels are sitting in the monastery with tons of gun powder just waiting for word to spread of their attack, at which point in time, they will blow up the building with the children still inside. So yeah, I’m sticking with madam.
NEXT: A marriage even shorter than Kim Kardashian’s
Thinking of the children, Francis orders that Bash try to rescue them. But with only half-trained guards on his hands, it doesn’t take long for the mission to fail. Plan B? Catherine suggests they use Narcisse’s private army with General Renaude (who might have the most pretentious name of anyone on the show). Long story short, the mission is a success, after which Renaude takes his men for a celebratory night on the town at Greer’s brothel. What better reward is there than a whore for everyone?!
After Lola and Kenna try to convince Mary to go back to being #TeamFrancis, they head out to deliver some cloth to Greer, when they find themselves in the middle of a very slutty party. Lola leaves immediately—but runs into an always horny Narcisse outside—while Kenna sets her sights on General Renaude, even after Greer warns her to stay away from the man who reportedly just got his righthand man killed in battle in order to save the son of a particularly rich noble.
Back at the castle, Condé is freaking out to Mary about the fact that some of the dead radicals were wearing his seal. He thinks Francis planted them, but Mary disagrees. Regardless, Condé’s list of enemies is growing by the minute and he wants to run. For the moment, Mary convinces him to stay until she can talk to Francis … but Queen Elizabeth’s envoy has superb timing and catches Condé mid-panic and gets him to say yes to Elizabeth’s proposal. Marriage by proxy, anyone?
So while Condé ties the knot with Elizabeth (but really some girl named Annabel)—seriously, being royal would be so weird—Mary asks Francis to let Condé go. Finally, she tells him that she turned to Condé because the love in Francis’ eyes made her feel like she was drowning in the memories of her attack. And that makes Francis put his guard down long enough to say that contempt is not enough to condemn a man. He will let Condé go.
[Sidenote: In my dream world, there would be a reality show about the girls who’ve been proxies. Title suggestions?]
However, as Mary will later find out, Condé doesn’t need to be let go … because he’s already married! Wait, is he?
The morning after his incredibly awkward ceremony, as Condé heads out to board a ship to England, the house where Annabel was sleeping catches on fire. Elizabeth’s envoy then returns to find that Annabel and the priest have been killed, and all of the documents regarding the marriage have been destroyed. In other words, Condé just committed treason and doesn’t even get to be king of England for it.
Elizabeth’s envoy is all “byeeee” as he leaves Condé behind, and it only takes about 30 seconds for Catherine to tell Narcisse all about what happened. How does she know? Well, I’m sure we’ll find out. Either way, they’re both pretty happy about how things worked out. At least until one of Catherine’s men tells her that Narcisse looks at Lola like he wants to devour her whole.
As for Mary, she tells Francis that she’d ended things with Condé and she tries to make sense of his treason by saying it was his only option. But if Condé is in fact still married and thereby the king of England, it could mean the end of Frary’s reign? (And then what would we call the show?)
Other important facts: Kenna is on the fast-track to cheat on Bash with Renaude.
King Henry’s ranking: Let the fun begin…