'Reign' recap: In the name of the Father, and the Son

So King Henry pulled a tooth from his fist. He pulled an actual human tooth out of his fist like it was no big deal. Don’t get me wrong, I love these moments when Henry surprises me, but I think I’m going to have to choose the time he humped out of a window over watching him pull a tooth from his fist. Also, how does a tooth get lodged in your fist? Spoiler: I haven’t been in many fist fights guys, but let’s just say my desire to punch people just went way down. Let’s get into this before I start google tooths in fists or something weird.

This episode picked up months after Francis left for battle. Upon his return with Mary’s uncle, the Duke of Guise, Francis ran straight to his beloved bride, and the two had a ridiculously adorable welcome home moment. Too bad it was interrupted by crazy King Henry’s announcement that the Queen of England had fallen, and now it was up to Mary to stake her claim.

Sorry Henry, but before Mary could go starting any wars, she needed a little sexy time with her husband. (I’m sure Henry understood.) The only thing I will say about that sex scene is that there is something hilarious about watching someone strip away chain mail and listening to the sound it makes when it hits the floor. It’s definitely a little less than subtle. Also, corsets make things way too complicated.

After a little makeup sex, Mary asked Francis to stick by her no matter what she decided about England. She wasn’t quite ready to start a war and kill her cousin Elizabeth, so instead, Mary wrote Elizabeth a letter asking for peace. Elizabeth never read it, however, because all of Mary’s letters are read by three people — privacy, much? — and somehow, her letter ended up in her uncle’s possession. But it all became moot when one of Catherine’s spies found out that Henry was planning to invade England by week’s end. He wanted England and he wanted it now.

In a secret meeting, Catherine and Mary were ready to kill the king, but Francis asked for one last chance to get through to his father. On a hunting trip, Francis learned about Henry’s father and how he’d been taken captive by Spaniards. When a young Henry and his brother traveled to Madrid to visit their father, they found out that daddy dearest had arranged a trade. In exchange for his dad’s freedom, Henry and his brother were put through three years of torture. So let’s just say Francis’ father could be worse. But with tears in his eyes, Francis convinced Henry to postpone his invasion.

The bad news was that Catherine and Mary were planning on poisoning the king’s next communion. They put a stop to it in time, but the King was attacked anyway. And suddenly we’re back to the tooth in the king’s fist. Basically, Henry killed his attacker. But who sent him? Mary, Francis, and Catherine quickly figured out that it was the Duke of Guise, a.k.a. the guy who always seems to be dirty.

Outside of the castle, Bash was hunting The Darkness when he discovered a young boy. With a little help from Kenna, they got the boy to tell them about a place where The Darkness might reside in the mountains. My first thought: Like The Grinch? The name of the town — which I won’t even attempt to spell — was Pagan for “where darkness rises,” and Nostradamus and Bash were on their way there, but only after Bash assured Kenna that she was no longer something that happened to him, but rather something he wanted. He wanted to come back to her. Her response: “Then come back to me, or I’ll kill you myself.” These two have officially grown on me. I love them.

Another important note: We later found out that Bash had killed Pascal’s — the young boy he rescued — father. So could Pascal be sending Bash to The Darkness as payback? Call me crazy, but I never trust a creepy singing child.

At casa Lola-Julien, Lola was worried about finding a home further from court for fear that her baby would resemble a particular prince. As she put it, the baby might have “fairer” hair than either of its “parents.” But Julien assured her he’d be a proud father. But see, the thing was, his name wasn’t really Julien. In the episode’s biggest twist, Julien’s uncle arrived only to call the hottie we know as Julien “Remy.” Apparently Remy had been Lord Julien’s personal secretary when the real Julien died in a fire. Remy was later holding Julien’s crest when he was mistaken for him, and the rest is more or less history. Now, he was in love with Lola and stuck with the real Julien’s uncle refusing to leave his home.

Julien — I refuse to call him Remy — had almost gotten the uncle to leave when he recognized his nephew’s ring on our Julien’s finger. Basically, he tackled our Julien, before Lola pushed him off of her husband, causing him to trip on some logs and get accidentally stabbed by some very dangerous home decor. The real Julien’s uncle was dead. Now, the only thing Lola could think to do was fake our Julien’s death with a house fire. Our Julien would run, and she would return to court. My thoughts: HELL NO. This can’t be the end of Julien. I refuse. I love him, and I won’t let go. I’ll never let go, Julien!

And just because Henry couldn’t get any crazier (and yet he could), we ended the episode with him divulging his new plan to that racquetball ghost he keeps talking to: In order to take England, he first needed to kill Francis and then marry his son’s wife. Yeah, we just took things to a whole new level, and somebody needs to get this man some crazy pills. Also, he needs a talking to about why it’s not alright to sleep with your son’s wives. Yes, plural. Welcome to Reign, everyone!

What did you all think of the episode? And where in the world was Leith? Sound off in the comments below!

QUOTABLES:

“Men. It always works.” -Catherine about using sex to get secrets

“You’re a very imaginative murderer. There must be a way.” -Mary to Catherine

“Sometimes to sell a pail of water, you start a fire.” -Catherine