Slade calls Tamra trash, she gets Slade's ex on the phone, and Jim accuses Peggy of being a stalker in a text. The world needs a shower.
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And so another season comes to an elegant conclusion. The girls each said their piece, apologized for their missteps and admitted their imperfections, all the while holding their graceful heads high. Oops, no. Instead, Slade accused Tamra of going down on Orange County. Tamra left her couch in a huff to call Slade’s ex in the green room and make sure she’d gotten the details of his failure to pay child support right. (What is the most icky in this equation? Slade’s apparent lies, Tamra’s meddling in the name of righteousness, or her obnoxious jewelry that matched her phone?) We really could have used a WWHL last night so Andy could play a drinking game with the word “compassion.” Oddly it seemed to be on all the Housewives’ inflated lips, uttered right before they took swipes at one another’s jugulars. Yeesh, these women hate each other.

The episode opened with Andy replaying clips of Peggy describing her postpartum depression. (Odd thing to watch the woman gleefully extol her ability to rapid fire and then tearfully remember the terrible day when she thought of using her gun on herself.) I will say though that she spoke of her depression movingly, explaining that she felt trapped in both her body and her home, and that while she didn’t want to abandon her family she felt her very presence was doing everyone a disservice. “Hmm, hmm,” said Alexis, not looking very compassionate, “I suffer from it as well.” Oh for the love of, here we go. “You only had it with the twins, I had it with both,” said Peggy. “I had postpartum but my Dad was dying at the same time,” countered Alexis, who was kicking herself for not bringing her postpartum up on Season 5. Tamra snake-sneered on the other sofa about Alexis’ claims. Alexis rolled her eyes and prayed for a text from Jim that could shut Tamra down.

So what exactly is the beef between Alexis and Peggy? Aha! It’s a slab of chuck named Jim. Apparently Peggy dated him 15 years ago and by dated she means they went Harley riding (yep, I can totally picture it, and I’m gagging) and maybe made out for a few weeks. When Jim and Alexis first started hanging out with Peggy and Micah Jim made Peg promise that she would never tell Alexis of their past. Hey, no biggie, Alexis is so totally cool with that. “We don’t talk about exes,” she insisted, her voice like a tight rope. “We don’t talk about the past. We’ve been together seven years and that’s when our chapter started.” But she’d just assume that the bitch on the other sofa burn for not telling her the truth. Jim gets a pass because Jim is her king, but Peggy will pay for her lies. And so she may have tried to keep Peggy off the show by telling her casting was only interested in brunettes. (At this point I picture Fernanda backstage with an intern, who keeps assuring her they’re totally going to do a Reunion Part 3.)

NEXT: Tamra would have brought her Mace if she knew Slade and Jeana were coming.So let’s get one thing straight: Alexis doesn’t give a fig about Peggy’s past with Jim. (Cut to her texting him furiously on commercial break for validation.) And Tamra could care even less about Gretchen and Slade. (Never mind the fact that she seems to have Slade’s weary-sounding ex Michelle on speed dial.) And maybe it is true that Vicki didn’t care all that much when Jeff was in the hospital. But she didn’t know him!, she kept insisting. But that doesn’t mean the woman lacks compassion. Here’s her Hallmark card of sympathy: “This new girl’s fiance is dying, why’s she even filming? Go off and be with your man.” I hope Jeff’s kids weren’t watching last night. At a certain point in the show every single Housewife was yelling accusations into the studio air at the same time. Andy looked shell-shocked by the cacophony of bitch and went to his happy place of cocktails with Kelly Ripa and Jenni Pulos.

Slade was invited at a certain point to join the conversation. Tamra called Michelle the day before so she could make sure to hit him where it hurts on the subject of child support. Gross. Slade accused Tamra of sucking off the state of California. Stay classy, Smiley. Tamra thinks Slade belongs in jail for letting down the child he only sees 10 times a year. At this point the only acceptable ending for these two horrible people is to end up together. Mazel!

The next special guest was Jeana who appeared to be wearing an unfortunate feather hair extension. She hates Tamra too, duh. Andy asked why Jeana always defended Simon’s behavior and then rolled tape on Jeana excusing the behavior of all of the lousy men in her life. So help me, if any child of mine ever talks to me the way her son did at the ball field… Suddenly Jeana started crying which supposedly is a new emotion for the woman. She just misses Victoria is all! And that wench Tamra is to blame for the dissolution of their friendship. “Well Jeana, it’s been great seeing you!” tootled Andy.

Let’s wrap it up girls, time for parting thoughts. Tamra is in love. Gretchen doesn’t have any regrets. (Come on, not even that ruby colored, shoulder plumage sweater?) Peggy thought Season 6 was like one long therapy session. And Alexis? Well she just got a text and Jim said that Peggy totally stalked him and their relationship meant nothing and her son potty trained at two weeks and she will always beat Peggy at any game, always! “If he wants to comment on stuff he should have the balls to come here and do it himself,” said Peggy. Zing! It seemed only fitting that the last word went to the original Housewife, the woman who swore the season was a healing one. Viewers at a home, can I get a woohoo? We made it through another season with these nutbags.

Well, folks: Do you wish Andy had gone with a slightly less acidic yellow? How embarrassing was Jim’s text? Sorry to sound like I’m lacking in compassion, but did Jeana’s tears strike you as genuine? Who won the ooze-off: Slade or Tamra? Season 7, yay or nay? Be honest!

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