In the season finale, Vicki cries about her divorce while Tamra goes a little Jersey on Jeana.

By Karen Valby
Updated June 06, 2011 at 12:10 PM EDT
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There was one nice moment in last night’s finale. The fall party had long been underway, former Housewives and makeup artists and “pocket gays” already milling about Vicki’s pool. But Vicki was still up in her room, dabbing her swollen eyes with Preparation H wipes, whimpering that somewhere Donn was sad. Vicki had filed for divorce one week prior, convinced that Donn would never love her the right way, not that she ever spoke of the quality of love she gave him. Her heart was bleeding; her bottom had apparently stabilized. (That is not an invitation for you creepy ALL CAPS commenter to weigh in on the boards.) How could she play hostess?

So the Housewives gathered, all telling her she looked gorgeous and wonderful and that she would get through this too. Their group hug seemed more effectual than Tamra’s threats to tickle her boobies. It was so odd to see the women kind of rally around another, even if their pep talk never really got above “You look so hot.” And that my friends in what this season (this franchise?) is missing. Some genuine sense of camaraderie needs to balance out the catty.

None of the ladies seemed very excited to go to the party. Tamra was having a bad hair day and Jeana’s most recent jabs in the press had given her the shakes. “Keep your cool,” counseled Eddie. “I will. She needs a slap in the face,” she sad. Foreshadowing. Gretchen and Slade wanted to stay in bed and share their glass of milk. Times are tough! Alexis couldn’t decide if she wanted to wear the pink sherbet Barbie dress or the autumnal orange Barbie dress. Let Dylan decide. All she knows is only her hot girlfriends are allowed to come with her to the party (3 out of 4 of them are cheating on their husbands, you know) and Jim will most definitely not be at her side. Jim gets to stay home and look smug because he’s the man and the king of his castle and his rib hurts from making Alexis.

Hey Jim, are you cool with her wearing the orange dress? Do you approve? See, the back has a little cut-out so it’s not too boring. Are we okay now? Alexis thinks it’s kind of ironic that the women are always taking potshots at her marriage and yet two of them are getting a divorce. “My marriage is ticking along just fine and dandy,” she bragged. “The divorce word has never come up yet.” (Yet?)

And by the way Alexis has some words for all you women out there, all you mothers who tell your daughters they can be anything they want to be when they grow up. “The problem with liberal America today…” —Oh honey, for the love of, there is no liberal America or conservative America. There is America.—”is that this is the decade of being so liberal and women being able to run for president and women being able to do everything that a man can do and excuse me but I’m a woman. I’m made from my husband’s rib and I want to the wife and be his baby and his cherish. What he cherishes.” Where is my Bethenny GO TO SLEEP, GO TO SLEEP, YOU’RE CRAZY! button?

NEXT: Pretty much everyone at Vicki’s party got a glass of wine thrown on them. (Yes!)

At the party Jeana stood looking pleased as punch with herself. How I cannot stand this woman. Her dates for the party were an odd-looking noodle of a man in a sweater hoodie and former Housewife Quinn. Or Quinn’s alter ego—whoever it is that wears the ridiculous wigs. The two women were talking the nature of chemistry with Fernanda, who still looked confused as to why she’d been invited to pose with the Housewives in the cast promotional photo. Jeana didn’t seem particularly moved by Vicki and Donn’s break-up. “I’m sure they’re going to have the best divorce ever,” she sneer-hissed. “Vicki’s been through divorce before, she knows how to do it.” Ugh. Jeana. Run Donn when she starts inviting you over for a home-cooked meal. And she most definitely will be calling.

Peggy and Alexis finally had it out. It was epic! Actually, it was probably best just to mute their entire exchange which seemed to boil down to whether or not Alexis is jealous of Peggy’s fake lips. She’s so not, for the record. “I don’t want f—ing big lips. I don’t want it. So stop! I’m never getting my lips done again. My lips are perfect the way they are. I love ’em, mwah, mwah mwah.”

Peggy had had enough of Alexis. She’s an Aries and she wanted everyone to par-tay! Which meant it was up to her to broker a peace agreement between Jeana and Tamra. Maybe Jeana could just apologize? Jeana sort of smirked at Tamra which really set our gal off. Then Tamra smashed her attorney’s letter at Jeana’s toxic face.

Ladies and gentlemen, it was so on. Jeana threatened to shove Tamra’s skinny ass in the pool. Tamra’s mother cut in and told the bigger woman to back off. Tamra threw her drink at Jeana’s face. Jeana threw a drink back but hit Peggy’s combustible friend in the back who did not appreciate her ugly $1500 dress getting splashed. So Peggy’s friend shoved Jeana. Briana was all “Whoa.” Peggy’s friend then threw a drink, aiming for Jeana but hitting Quinn instead. On their way out Jeana’s terrible friend smashed his glass on the driveway. L’Chaim!

Jeana immediately called Simon on the phone, hissing that his ex was a total bitch. Tamra’s poor Ma started crying. Alexis was confused because nobody told her this was a drink throwing party. Tamra started whining to the ladies that how dare Jeana talk about her in the press when the woman had no clue about her personal life. It’s simply none of Jeana’s business! Gretchen got a little half-smile and went in for the kill, asking Tamra how it felt to find herself in such an aggrieved position. Tamra’s forehead bulged at being called out. Time to pose for a group picture! Not you, Fernanda.

Well Bravolebrities, we made it. Who else has a crush on hockey star Sean Avery after last night’s appearance on WWHL? How embarrassing was Alexis’ call-in rant at Peggy? And were you surprised that Peggy, normally a real ding-dong, was able to so effectively shut her down? Sean Avery definitely was! Were you taken aback at how annoying Quinn was even in just a 20-second dose? How much do you bet Peggy’s friend will make it onto next season’s cast? Were you disappointed nobody ended up in the pool?

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