Vicki breaks down; Gretchen frets over her Tubba Wubba; Alexis serves mini-croissant sandwiches at her fashion party

By Karen Valby
Updated May 23, 2011 at 01:52 PM EDT
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You got to give it to Vicki. Even after six seasons, that woman keeps it real. Surely the Housewives agree to production days, signing off in advance on blocks of times in front of the camera crew. I figure she and Donn arranged their work schedules so that they could at least pretend to enjoy some together time. But then a few hours before the crew showed up I picture Vicki just making a raspberry sound and deciding to do her grown son’s laundry instead. Which meant that Donn was going to wash the cars for the fifth time that week and all of us at home were going to take big gulps of relief that this was not our marriage. Now could everybody please stop annoying Vicki so she can hang up some of Michael’s shirts already?

Gretchen got home from her Gretchen Christine Hand Bagé promotional swing and realized that she’d forgotten to hire someone to feed and insult Slade twice a day in her absence. Time for some serious catch-up time. “He’s broke, he has no money,” she reminded the viewers at home. Got it. “You’re breathing pretty hard dude,” she sneered as he helped her with her bags. “Tubba Wubba. Good thing I put you to work so you won’t be so Tubba Wubba-ish.” You suck Gretchen. Meanwhile, Slade continues to confound by appearing like a semi self-aware, albeit broken man. While enjoying some wine out on the deck, Gretchen admired her man’s latest painting and encouraged him to start making some bank off of his efforts. “Mmm, my art’s not good enough to sell,” he curtly replied. Who what now? Did I just hear a person on this franchise cop to the fact that their mediocre product doesn’t deserve to be out in the marketplace just because said person is on a reality TV show. Anyways, Gretchen is really in a pickle because she wants a baby but how can she have one with Slade when the Internet says he’s a deadbeat Dad? That would reflect poorly on her after all. And don’t think she’s going to throw any of her money Slade’s sick child’s way if they were ever to get hitched. (Because that would reflect well on her?) She’s madly in love but she’s not madly in love and stupid. I believe just one of these things to be true.

Peggy was taking a color-coordinated Micah to Vegas to celebrate his birthday and she invited along new BFFs Tamra and Eddie. Micah had one shining moment this season and that was taking care of his bleeding daughter pool side while his useless wife looked on. Since then he’s reached epic douche proportions, whether he’s stringing together cliches as he talks about running seven companies or wondering if the photos of his lingerie-clad wife are “new boobs or old boobs.” Micah wins for making the most depressing comment on the state of our culture. Peggy presented him with her present, which confused him by having the proportion and measurements of one of those book thingies. “A book?” he said. “I don’t read.” Then he gave a smug smile as if he’d said something clever rather than embarrassing and lame. Meanwhile he and Eddie are totally vibe-ing and Eddie wants to borrow his shoes. What happens in Vegas… leaves you with a fungus strain.

NEXT: Vicki’s most unfortunate medical condition is called out on TV. Gretchen rolls her eyes.Vicki came home from work one evening and all that was there to greet her were two pugs with full bladders. Donn had to work late (what nerve!), which seemed to both relieve and anger Vicki. She made dinner for herself and her ceramic chicken while trying not to look at her mocking CALIENTE! sign. Then she took to the sofa with a prayer leaflet and either nodded off or thought deeply on the state of her crumbling marriage. All it took was one grimacing, slither-tongued sip of Sambuca for her misery to come pouring out to Tamra. Vicki and Donn haven’t had sex in two whole years. Oh no, not even after their vows renewal on the beach?! They talked once in four weeks, and sent emails to each other about rental properties. But Vicki hates divorce almost as much as God and she’s scared to go it alone as a 50-year-old woman. I don’t care how much the woman bugs, she was in a raw state of pain and I felt badly for her.

Hold on Victory! Stanch the flow of blood until after the premiere of Alexis Couture. Alexis, who either is or isn’t a perfectionist, I couldn’t tell what she was giggling about, was going for fabulous for her little fashion show luncheon. Not fabulous as is foie gras or French. Fabulous as in ham and cheese croissants, like the American French eat at delicatessens. You know, like Cavalli had at his last show. But does Cavalli wear sweaters with black studded finger glove sleeves? No he does not. And that is why the world’s mind is going to be blown by Alexis’ barely there necklaced bikini and her Exhibit A English netted dress. Thanks Tal for all your hard work, although I shall address all my compliments to Alexis in front of your face for her to translate. Okay, party time. Lynne and Tamra at this table. Peggy, Gretchen, and Alexis at this one. Fernanda, you can just grab a stool and sit in the back.

Hmm, where is Vicki? Yikes, she’s in the emergency room bleeding out of her butt according to Tamra. Yeah right, said Gretchen. That happens to Slade all the time and she just tells him to suck it up. But Tamra was really worried. Dude, it’s all good, said Lynne. “Don’t get all worried about nothing,” she purred. “It gives you wrinkles.” Alexis’ pocket gay (oh Tamra) told her not to worry because once one of his friends went in for surgery and he was totally fine. But Tamra’s friend started bleeding out of her bottom one time and she, like, died three months later. None of these people should ever be allowed to speak! Gretchen was disgusted by all of it, so sure was she that Vicki and Tamra were just trying to ruin Alexis’ big moment. Gretchen cackled; Alexis’ eyes narrowed; Tamra huffed; Lynne giggled when she realized she could wrap a croissant around her wrist like a cuff and then she excused herself because the whole party was turning into a harsh toke.

Next week: Promise me that someone will push Jeana in the pool. Also, finale. Finally.

Well, EW.comlebrities? Did Vicki’s vulnerability soften you at all towards here, or did it leave you feeling evil and disgusted like Gretchen? Was Dylan an odd choice for MC? Should Tamra shelve the term “pocket gays,” and perhaps not compare human beings to chihuahuas? If forced to choose, would you rather wear a Kim Zolciak wig, slather yourself in Gretchen Christine Beaute foundation, or wear Alexis’ Exhibit dress?

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