The Real Housewives of Orange County recap: Three Flat Tires And No Spares

Lynne alert! The banished Housewife was back, her mouth still hanging open from Fernanda’s clumsy revelation that the trainer and Tamra had sloppy drunk-kissed over a year ago. There was hot gossip to discuss over drinks, but Lynne needed Tamra to talk real slow. “Are you guys an item now?” she asked with her drowsy slur. Tamra loves nothing more than being the center of attention, especially if she imagines the scandal makes her seem sexy. There may have been tongue, she allowed, but absolutely no nipple tweaking. Happy Mother’s Day! She blamed the whole escapade on Charo’s Brazilian Moonshine. “I was wasted, to the point I could barely walk,” she said, as the camera zeroed in on Lynne and Tamra’s giant boozy tubs of pink pineapple juice. You could be next Lynne! No way, Lynne has never kissed a girl, she’s way too straight, entirely too confused about the whole lesbian thing.

Peggy and Alexis had to meet to sort out their tension from the dinner party. It just really hurt Peggy’s feelings that Jim had to work that night, considering the fact that Peggy has never known Jim to work. The Bible says to tell the truth, so Alexis finally came clean that Jim simply doesn’t like the Real Housewives. (Oh Jim, that’s so besides the point.) “That’s kinda rude,” said Peggy. Alexis’ lip curled. Can’t Peggy understand what an impossible position everyone put her in that night? She didn’t want to lie and yet she was forced to to protect others’ feelings. “I’m already in this cobweb in my head,” she reenacted. “Oh my gosh, I’m caught up, I’m caught up!”

And really Peggy can suck it if she’s felt abandoned of late. Alexis has her girls in two different dance classes! It’s just that Peggy hears about Jim and Alexis going out to dinner with other friends and there was that one time he was a little condescending to Micah about Lamborghinis. Oh, it is so on. Jim dared suggest Micah didn’t know what he was talking about but little did he know that Micah had just paid $30,000 in sales taxes on the Murcielago. She went there! Um, sneered Alexis, she can’t speak for her husband but Jim has owned like four Murcielagos. Boom!

Cut to Vicki’s tragic kitchen with the cheerful rooster and the big red letters spelling out CALIENTE!. Vicki was preparing food for dinner, aggressively avoiding eye contact with Donn. “Tamra has no regrets about the divorce,” she announced, as Donn stood sadly to the side. Tamra and Eddie are just having so much fun. Wouldn’t it be great to be with someone you actually liked? Poor Donn, willfully not rising to her bait, suggested they oughtta go on a double date. Vicki sighed, and announced she was going into work. Donn would be out front washing the cars, not that she cared. Yikes.

NEXT: Slade’s mother is the meanest life coach ever.Back in Gretchen world, Slade was busy packing the bags for her highly anticipated appearance on San Antonio Living. There were so many samples left to pack and where the heck was the fall line and did she think Alexis would mind squeezing some makeup into her luggage? Shut it Slade. “I sell the stuff, you schlep the stuff!” Gretchen snapped through her big fluorescent white smile. Why would this man let anyone talk to him like that? Oh wait, now it’s all becoming clear. Mrs. Smiley showed up, fresh from the airport. She wanted pasta and wine in her mouth. Now! Then she wanted her son’s balls on a platter. Slade was sitting at the kitchen table, staring down reams of child support paperwork. “Gretchen, you’re going to have work very much harder to pay all these bills,” said Ma. Oof.

The hits kept coming. “You’re going to drag her into this mess? … Which one of her parents doesn’t like you? … Do they want you to have your own income, that’s not related to marketing Gretchen? … I’m not sure what your job is, and I’m not sure that Scott and Brenda know.” Whether or not this is all true, whether or not Slade should in fact go to law school or just see if Borders is hiring, whether or not he’s an enormous bozo, I just wanted her to ease up already and tell him his hair looked nice.

Peggy, Vicki and Tamra went for a little drizzly afternoon of wine tasting. When the affable sommelier suggested they switch over to the reds, he asked the ladies if they were ready to head to the dark side. “I went to the dark side a long time ago baby,” laughed Tamra. Well that horrified Vicki because she thought her friend was hitting on the Mexican in their presence. Puerto Rican? Whatever. Time for some girl talk! Vicki wanted to go to heaven. Tamra wanted Peggy to admit that Alexis was obsessed with her. Peggy wanted to know a little more about Donn. Vicki’s face crumbled. “The reality is my world is falling apart, my marriage is falling apart, my security is falling apart.” she told the camera in her private interview. To her girlfriends all she could muster was a manic “Everything’s perfect. La la la la!”

Alexis had a photo shoot for her Alexis Couture dress line, which is either her third or fourth baby. Who can remember with her schedule? (Not one, but two dance classes!) Don’t worry guys, she’s totally got this modeling stuff. How about this pose of looking constipated on a flight of stairs? Genius. Jim showed up, wearing his favorite weird shirt, and he had all kinds of ideas. “That’s cute right there. That doesn’t look right. More hip. She should turn. Straight, straight. Angle’s bad, stick your butt out more on the right. Is that the best shot? More hip. Straight babe.” Alexis endured his direction because the Bible says… Snooze. Go stick your head in some dry ice and relax.

Next week: Tamra can’t take it anymore. Psych! She totally can.

Was Slade’s Ma giving him a much-needed nudge or sticking a mean finger in his already raw self-esteem? Does Fernanda really have a crush on Tamra or is she just interested in airtime? And why does everyone keep calling her Fernando? Who was more embarrassing: Tamra in her blanket statement on what lesbians look like or Vicki’s whirly-eyed gasping over the Mexican, Puerto Rican, whatever, it’s all the same to her. Let’s say you’re forced to wear only one line for an entire week. She by Sheree or Alexis Couture?