The Real Housewives of Orange County recap: Timing is Everything
Peggy gets new boobs; Tamra and Eddie head to Spain (no tub scenes!); and Gretchen sends Slade on some errands.
Haven’t we already done the episode where Vicki wants the biggest boat in the marina? She’s sick and tired of her family making fun of her all the time for working so hard. How are you going to ride around in the biggest boat checking your email if you don’t work until 1am every night? She’d carved out a full day for relaxation and made sure to coordinate it with the Bravo producers. Ready for fun time, family?
Hey, what’s with lazy fishermen? Go buy your tilapia at the market, you lazy moron! Shut up, Ma. Um, Brianna, Brianna babe, lay off the pinot grigio. Remember your father is a drunk. Can it, Ma. Brianna and Michael and Donn were kind of an adorable, buzzed little family unit. And then there was Vicki, who used to sew and knit, and now wishes every conversation could somehow circle back to insurance. Oh Vicki, you really were Captain Obnoxious all episode. And by the way, your son Michael called you obnoxious. Not Donn. (He just cackled a little and at this point sweetie, who can blame him? And that’s coming from a Vicki fan.) I wanted to throw my wine glass at the TV when she so unceremoniously dismissed both her dog and her husband from her office. She just wants respect is all. (Sad cut to Donn walking away with Walter and a sodden dog bed.) Her work family gives her that acknowledgment. THAT’S BECAUSE YOU PAY THEM, YOU IDIOT. And the best way for a boss to earn respect is to spank her employees and fuss like a hen over their shirt sizes. Get out while you can, Reese!
Tamra was off for a 10-day birthday trip to Sevilla, Spain with Eddie and they both were rocking the Ed Hardy look for the plane. An angel cries every time one of these women wear a too-small t-shirt with a bedazzled cross over their swollen chest. And by the way it’s none of Simon’s business where Tamra goes, she’ll have us know. Oh T, forget about Alexis’ text message. So you brought Mace to the party and it didn’t go over with your uptight host. You’re going to Spain! And Eddie brought his hot pink neck pillow and 10 bags of luggage! Leave Alexis and Gretchen to stew over how badly you suck. We know where Gretchen stands. “I think Tamra is very witty,” said Gretchen. “I think her timing is horrible.” Then she paused, allowing all of us at home time to toss the wash into the dryer and let the dog in. “And I think I’m much better at it!” she cried. Zing! But Alexis just doesn’t understand why Gretchen and Tamra can’t cut the crap and stop making digs at each other. Like Gretchen, when you made that lame voodoo hat joke, that was just not cool. Au contraire Alexis! Gretchen will have you know that it was very hilarious and well-timed. I think this would have been a perfect time for Alexis to remind her that nobody expects a princess to be funny.
Later in the episode Gretchen brought out the big guns. Her parents’ 40th anniversary celebration was around the corner and that called for extra shoulder plumage. Also, it meant that Slade had a legal pad’s worth of errands to run and he better not f^%# up her Kinko’s order this time. Slade, who’s gone from creepy snake to simpering weasel, had a great idea for party favors. What if they doctored up some tissue boxes that said “Happy 40th!”? Gretchen looked like she was going cut him with a shiv. You shut your mouth and go pick up those poster boards.
NEXT: Tamra and Eddie take their love to Spain. Senor, some french fries for the lady!Boobs are like very big accessories in Orange County and by that logic Gretchen would take a bullet for her handbag. It had come time to attend to Peggy’s unruly twins. She was just so scared is all, what with two young girls at home. God forbid, what if she died and left them motherless for this elective surgery? Micah told her not to worry because doc is a total pro who plays with boobs all day. Plus, better cleavage will help her kick postpartum once and for all. Uh, is this what breast augmentation surgery is really like? Your husband just goes back there and points a little to the left, a little to the right, higher, lower, and you wake up with a black magic marker mustache? And do parents really talk to their kids about their fake tits like that? “London was all like ‘Mommy, how are your new boobies,'” Peggy laughed and laughed to Alexis. who had come over to give hew the patented Orange county new boob hug and a casserole. “James goes ‘I want to go, I want to go, I want to go see Peggy and her new boobies,'” Alexis told Peggy. “Ha ha ha, that is so cute!” said Peggy. It’s not really. Not cute at all. And that was basically Alexis’ review of her friends new boobies as well.
Okay, am I totally misreading this one or is Eddie actually an okay guy. And maybe actually not gay, as all you commenters would have me believe. The man loves his camera and he got six roles of Tamra looking for the perfect new dress. Here’s one line that I imagine she wishes she had more time to workshop: “You can take the girl out of Orange County but you can’t take the shopping whore out of me.” That right there is just an abuse of the English language. Over lunch Eddie wanted Tamra to know that if they had kids this would be the moment he’d have them jump out from behind the waiter. Kids? Tamra is 43 and already has four of her own. She humored him that maybe one day they’ll have a little Eduardo baby. Did the cameras miss a game of footsie under the table because suddenly Tamra was shouting “Horny, party of two? Check please!” Later on they had a big laugh about bidets and sprinklers and if Tamra actually has found someone out there who thinks that was a funny joke than good luck to the both of them.
On the way to surprise Gretchen’s parents, Slade’s eyes were burning in the sun but he wouldn’t put on his shades because Gretchen said they made him look gay. As the day of surprises unfolded—a banana yellow Mustang, a redesigned wedding dress, the Pastor who married her parents 40 years ago—Slade kept making an ass of himself by insisting that this all was Gretchen’s way of preparing herself for her own fantasy wedding that she secretly wanted to plan one day with Slade. “Not at all,” she declared. Slade was a little teary-eyed throughout the festivities, though that might have been because Gretchen’s father Scott saw a turd on the grass and called it a piece of Slade again.
Next week: Gretchen hurts Slade’s feelings.
lovers loyalists: How snotty was Alexis about Peggy’s new boobs? (The fact that I just asked that question makes me sad.) Is Eddie okay in your book? Has Gretchen’s mother’s hair changed in the last 40 years? Wasn’t it jarring to see that clip of Jeff?