In a downer of an episode, Gretchen digs her heel deeper into Slade's fat neck while Donn stares morosely into his glass of white (white, dammit!) wine.
Orange County Cast
Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo

Remember that one time when Gretchen put on a baseball cap with a bedazzled evil eye and told Tamra she was a total bitch and Tamra was all ‘In my house, are you kidding me?’ and Alexis pulled at the really highlighted section of her hair and Vicki’s whole face twitched like a rabbit? Of course you do because every single episode of this season is a rehash of that non-starter of a fight. Now the whole fracas has been coated with a thin film of pretend Mace and somebody is going to apologize or at least offer to host the next party. (Cellulite removal? Permanent eyeliner application? Completely Bare vagina tattoos?) Anyways, Tamra showed Vicki one of Alexis’ sniffy text messages—new bejeweled tiger phone case!—and groan-vomited. “This is retarded!” said Vicki. “She is a ruh-tard!”

Speaking of sensitivity, Gretchen thinks her three dogs look like “fat ‘tards.” She forced Slade to pull out the scale, running a warning finger along her neck out of camera range. His strategy was to guess high, so that the actual number maybe earned him a lighter punishment. There was a terribly unfortunate flashback to Season 1 when he did some tai chi moves wearing nothing but a puffy eye blindfold and some underwear. “When someone looks at me they probably think I got it going on,” he said. “Borderline movie star, they’re not quite sure.” As big of a ding-dong as he clearly is/was, it’s still no fun listening to Gretchen pound away at him for being such a joke. He’s too fat. The dog fell and it was his fault, even though she was in the process of handing him the other one. Does he seriously call this gum ball flower ring a present? He’s totally going to break the branch off that tree with his fat ass and she is going to laugh her evil clown laugh for everyone to hear.

Come on Gretch, the man can’t take it. In perhaps the most pathetic admission of defeat ever, Slade talked a little about the state of his career. “When it comes to my prospects for work within the mortgage and real estate industry… I have none,” he said. (Hope you’re buying dinner Micah!) So around the 1000th time Gretchen called him a tubba wubba—smiling screeching after him again and again to drop and give her 20!—he clambered up into a tree for a wibble pout. “I don’t want to be Tubba Wubba anymore and I don’t want you to remind me that I’m Tubba Wubba.” Well that really made Gretchen mad. How dare he suggest that she’s kind of a jerk? He could’ve told her any of those 1000 times she’s called him a fatso and he never once did. His fault! Slade stuck to his ground and announced that he was running home. Gretchen shrugged; he took off at a steady clip, at least until he was out of sight and could duck into a TCBY for a tub of white chocolate mousse.

NEXT: Waiter, you might as well just leave the bottle with Donn.

I’d be hard pressed to choose whether I’d rather endure the chipping away of Slade’s manhood or the steady dimming of any light in my beloved Donn’s eye. We were subjected to not one but two miserable dates with the Gunvalsons. On the first, Vicki and Donn sat awkwardly next to each other on a spa sofa and then trudged off for separate treatments. (Side boob alert!) Then they went to the most miserable dinner ever where Vicki harped on Donn for ordering white wine with his steak. Her eyes looked terribly wounded throughout the stilted meal and yet it was she who couldn’t be bothered to know her man has always preferred white to red and is 57 not 58 years old. And if you think she’s going to take an hour away from meetings in Minneapolis to have dinner with his sister, he’s nuts. Cheers! To 20 more years at Coto Life Insurance. Have fun on the golf course whatever your name is. (Oh Donn, you always struck me as a good egg. Be well! Stay away from that snake Jeana.)

Of course the episode ended up back where we began. Tamra teetered into Alexis’ house in another one of her play suits. For about 10 minutes Tamra pretended to admire Alexis’ new home, while opening her eyes real wide with feigned concern when the subject of loan modification came up. So this is the bedroom, this is Alexis’ closet, this is…. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What in Jesus’ name is a shirtless Jim doing looking up at me from that James Avery frame? Why do I feel like Jim set up that whole shoot and gave that to Alexis as a gift after the birth of their first child?

Finally, the girls sat down to clear the air.The problem is Alexis doesn’t like Mace, or something like that. No, no, the problem is that Tamra is just very loyal to her friends. (Ha ha, good one!) Alexis just didn’t think Tamra’s stupid joke at the botox party was funny. “If she wanted to be funny she could’ve said something like, you know….” Alexis paused. This was her moment. Slay us, girl. “… glad we made it through this day without bringing out the boxing gloves! I mean that’s kind of funny.” Oh dear.

There was a filler shot in this dreary episode of some handsome Orange County dogs enjoying a sunny day at the park. (And I’m not talking about anyone or thing who sleeps in Gretchen’s bed.) Dogs are so great. Maybe in the Season Finale one of them will eat one of these idiots.

Who is the more depressed man—Slade or Donn? Why exactly is Gretchen with Slade, and so help me if she says it’s for the sex ever again I will stop watching altogether. So Vicki gives Tamra a framed cross for her new house and Tamra gives her a rosary. Who do these broads think they’re kidding?! Eww, did you see on WWHL when Tamra promised a wedding in Season 7. Her shamelessness truly knows no bounds.

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The Real Housewives of Orange County

Bravo turns its cameras on California's ladies who lunch (and shop, and tan, and get plastic surgery, and bicker…)

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