The Real Housewives of Orange County recap: Rhinestone Cowgirls

Last night, Gretchen invited Alexis, Peggy, and Fernanda—with the understanding that Fernanda was only invited so she could give them free personal training sessions in the hotel gym—to join her on her Texas sales swing of Gretchen Christine Beaute. This meant that Alexis needed a new pair of boots, preferably one with a nice wedge heel. At the boot store she helped out the salesman by showing him a horrible belt that she was hoping to match. “Isn’t this hot?” she demanded of him. His deadened glaze suggested no. “Maybe I should start designing boot jewelry?” she marveled aloud. Make it stop, world. Anyways she’s really excited to go to San Antonio because, as she revealed later after a squealing slug of vodka, she’s miserable and unhappy and sick of her husband turning on the invisible fence. Also, she and Peggy have had a tense couple of weeks ever since she locked herself in Peggy’s bathroom during the dinner party. Maybe San Antonio will be “the new flow to our ebbs and flow.” More Midol with your vodka, Alexis.

Meanwhile Vicki was at work threatening to give some more spankings when Tamra called with her side of the story about Simon’s arrest. (Vicki had already read the news on a blog because increasingly it seems like all these women do is read about themselves on blogs.) Apparently Simon hates the dog as much as he hates Tamra so he stomped over to her house and shouted and threw a retractable leash at his wife. I don’t know if Tamra was really scared or if he meant to hurt her or what. But I’m certainly sorry that their son had to witness the whole mess go down. Tamra called the cops; Simon got arrested and spent the night in jail; many close-up photos of the offending leash were taken.

In Texas, the Bravo cameraman got an unfortunate close-up of Peggy’s scar in the limo while Alexis yammered on about test-driving a mechanical bull. She even got a bruise, y’all. At lunch, Gretchen wanted to know how the women knew when they’d found the perfect partner. It was easy for Peggy: Micah had his own company which meant he could go to Cabo whenever he wanted without having to first check in with Bill Lumbergh. Also, he had a house and no roommates. Duh, said Alexis. Of course he didn’t have roommates. She had more serious things on her check-list, like faith and a shared vision for child-rearing. Jim knew it was love when she didn’t have to go tinkle between the appetizer and dinner course.

Gretchen pointed out to Peggy that owning a house wasn’t a sign of character per se. Poor Peggy looked terribly confused, so Fernanda spoke up. When she and Marian were married … Cut to Alexis cocking an eyebrow in her private interview. Um, yeah, she belongs to a faith that doesn’t approve in same-sex marriage. “Unfortunately they’ll have to talk to God when they get to Heaven’s gates,” she sniffed. (She later called in to WWHL to make a complete 180 on her sanctimonious stance. Not buying it, Alexis.) But at lunch she had a nice buzz going so she momentarily forgave Fernanda her sinful lifestyle and clapped her hands in delight about getting the woman knocked up.

NEXT: Jeana isn’t even on the show anymore, but she’s still up in everybody’s business.

The Texas Housewives (and their trainer) went out for barbecue that night and Alexis got loaded on a Solo cup of straight vodka. The ladies were so drunk in fact that they all took weird little nibbles of food all the while complaining how very odd it was to be eating and how very much they would have to pay for it at the gym. Bravo unfortunately decided this would be a good time to splice in interviews of Alexis talking about a lifelong struggle with an eating disorder. At the restaurant she was having herself a good old time, going in for a lusty hunk out of her chicken leg when really she just took a little chipmunk bite. More vodka! More squealing! Jim is her husband, not her savior! Eight out of her 10 friends are cheating! Peggy looked seriously pissed but I’m thinking that had less to with some secret affair being outed than the squiggles of ketchup Alexis left all over the peach cobbler.

Zamboni. Anal. These are two words that upset Vicki and Donn had the innocent misfortune of saying both during their double date with Tamra and Eddie. Tamra has had such a hard week that she went so far as to touch her tongue to her dinner roll. Like Eddie, I excused myself to go to the bathroom when Tamra started in on the leash incident again. Then the women started trashing Jeana for being the type of woman who trashes women. It was like a Möbius strip of cattiness. Turned out Tamra couldn’t press charges on Simon due to a lack of evidence but at least he now knows that there is no place in this world that she will not bring a camera crew.

Back in Texas, Alexis had on her short shorts and she decided that Jesus would not give a fig if she danced the two-step with Fernanda. (Alexis has Jesus’ direct number. And by the way, Jesus said that God might have a few words for Fernanda about what she does in her private time.) Fernanda, Alexis, and Gretchen each took turns on the bull, but poor Peggy had to sit out because of her new na-nas, or whatever it is that Gretchen calls boobs. In the limo, Alexis hurt Peggy’s feelings by laughing that Peggy’s lips were bigger than her lips. I’m not sure why Peggy took such offense because don’t these women pay out the nose for their inner tubes?

Tamra confronted a smug-looking Jeana about her mean-spirited texts and finger-wagging to the press. Jeana doesn’t approve of Tamra having Simon arrested. “Have you ever tossed someone something and they missed?” she sniped in an interview. “I feel like she did it for the attention.” She probably has a point there. And Tamra probably is right that Jeana has always been a doormat drawn to abusive men. And yet all I really wanted to do was thwap-whap the both of them on their noggins and put them in time-outs.

Do you like tipsy Alexis better than hungry Alexis? Did you buy her WWHL regrets? Does Fernanda fit in naturally on this show? Who bothers you more—Jeana or Tamra?