The Real Housewives of Orange County recap: Pistol-Packin' Mama
There’s a new pistol-packin’ mama in the O.C., and her name is Peggy. But though she may carry .45-caliber ammo, her verbal bullets are just as deadly—and, as her “friend” Alexis found out, she can play a mean game of “My Kids Are Better Than Yours! Let Me Count the Ways.” Breaking in a new Housewife is never easy. But I think it’s safe to say Peggy entered the Bravo-verse with a bang.
Alexis introduced us to her by scheduling a playdate for their kids. Never underestimate the competitive instincts of two moms in proximity to one another. We learned that Alexis’ James was potty trained in two weeks. Peggy’s London is articulate. Alexis’ Melania is a better writer than her classmates, and McKenna is the best listener in her grade. Peggy’s putting Capri in her agency to become a model. Well, she is a year old after all. (Also, is there any chance London and Capri weren’t conceived in London or Capri?) James was with a modeling agency, but Alexis didn’t want to make the drive every week. Oh, and McKenna can count to six in Spanish. Can I please delete this info from my brain to make room for something less mindless? Or at least for more Star Wars trivia?
When we met Peggy’s husband, Micah, he was cleaning the family guns. Behind every gated community is a well-stocked arsenal, after all. “I love my bling bling, I love my lip gloss, and I love my guns,” Peggy announced. The trifecta! She talked about how she and Micah first sized each other up: “You look at me and you might thing, ‘She’s blonde, she’s got fake boobs, so she must be a gold-digger.’” Now, why would we think that? And apparently we’d think Micah was a playboy, bad freakin’ news. Okay, seriously this time, why would we ever think THAT? As Peggy herself said, he’s Micah “Stewart,” a man who can sew and cook as a well as pump rounds into a human outline at the gun range. The latter is still the only surefire way of proving your masculinity, by the way. And I think Peggy did just that (see photo).
NEXT: Real Housewives meets Desperate Housewives, and Tamra faces a d-word more upsetting than divorce: downsizing.Back to our veterans. Gretchen, still reeling from the horror of being called “princess” by Alexis at Tamra’s party, spent time fawning over “business partner,” Slade. Remember how the whole Real Housewives brand was launched as a rebuttal to Desperate Housewives? Like this is how super-rich hausfraus really live. None of that Marc Cherry BS. Indeed, the first seasons of Orange County were undoubtedly profound ethnographic surveys of gated community culture. But now we see Slade indulging his inner plumber, fixing Gretchen’s pipes. No, not those pipes. Her shower. He’s become Mike Delfino! We’ve come full circle!
Anyway, Gretchen needed to give Shawna, her other “employee,” a talkin’ to. Shawna didn’t have Gretchen’s back at Tamra’s party. And we all know that the worst betrayal a Housewife could experience is for a friend not to have her back. Shawna equivocated, clearly thinking that Gretchen had blown Alexis’ “princess” comment way out of proportion. Could Shawna’s moment of indefensible rationality come back to haunt her for the remainder of the season?
Tamra, the apple of Gretchen’s Evil Eye, went through her requisite post-party debriefing with smoking-hot lesbian gal-pal Fernanda. Together they suggestively opened a bottle of wine, prompting Tamra to ask Fernanda, “Was it good for you?” Whomever it was good for, it wasn’t for us. Facilitated by the conversational lubricant that is riesling, Tamra opened up. About how she’s leading a double life shuttling her kids to ex-hubby Simon’s place while pursuing a relationship with “Eddy” (whom I will only refer to in quotation marks until we confirm his existence on camera). But as blissfully happy as she claimed to be with her new beau, Tamra broke down and sobbed about how she wants her old life back. Fernanda reassured her with the instant classic line, “You have to say to yourself, ‘I’m a good beyotch-a.’” Yes, that solves everything!
Of course, with divorce comes that other dreaded “D”: downsizing. Which for an Orange County housewife means cutting back from a 10,000 square-foot house to an 8,000 square-foot house. So she hired a realtor to show her possible cribs for rent…including one she soon realized was where “Eddy” lived with his “wife.” “He used to bone his wife right here?” Tamra asked. “I’d be haunted.”
Later, after Tamra joined Alexis at yoga, she talked more about why “Eddy” is camera shy. “It’s not like I’m keeping Eddy a secret to my girlfriends. I’m just keeping Eddy to myself.” Riiiiight. More interesting, though, was Alexis’ revelation that she wants more from life than her marriage is currently offering her. “The Bible says you put God first, your marriage second, and your children third,” she said. (Really? Where exactly?) She wants more than the life of a homemaker, because apparently wearing hot one-shoulder workout tops isn’t enough.
NEXT: Vicki does Seattle. Woo hoo! Finally, Vicki did Seattle. The dead-eyed mogul brought her daughter Briana and much of her company to the Town Frasier Built for an insurance convention. When being introduced for her keynote speech, she was called “psychotically persistent about her business,” possibly the first time I’ve ever heard “psychotically” used more or less positively. But psychosis is a desirable quality in this economy, I suppose. Vicki really needs to set boundaries when fraternizing with her employees, though. Sorry, you can’t be the whip-cracker demanding that your drones stay at the office until 9:30 and the party-girl acting like you’re at Spring Break in Cabo. “We’ve made insurance cool…because I incorporate fun into my work,” she said, downing cocktails with her employees. Yes, like Michael Scott made the paper industry cool.
Poor Briana. I kinda feel for her the way I felt about Bobbi Kristina on Being Bobby Brown. I mean, Briana’s not even allowed to sleep. No, she had to come out and join Vicki’s party! “Do you wanna wake up and play with us? Can you come play?” Vicki purred to her utterly exhausted daughter. Um, who’s the mother and who’s the child, again? An especially relevant question when Briana practically had to pry some dude’s hands off her mom at Glo-Bowl. But, hey, it’s the Sin City of the Pacific Northwest! Also, do all of Vicki’s employees, um, sleep in the same hotel room? And did they steal that room service cart? Somebody really needs to take a trip to HR.
Finally, if we hadn’t heard Vicki scream “Woo hoo!” a dozen times too often, she and her posse boarded a ferry to take a tour of Puget Sound. To be honest, considering her Kitty-on-Arrested-Development-style demeanor on this trip, I’m a little shocked that Vicki didn’t “signal” back when some chick on another boat flashed them. (Let me just say that nautical boob-baring gives a whole new meaning to “One if by land, two if by sea.”) Who knew Seattle was really such a coffee-swilling Sodom?
How are you liking season six so far? Is Alexis’ marriage really in jeopardy, like Tamra seems to think it is? Does she always wear full makeup to yoga? Will we ever see “Eddy”? Will Briana finally pry herself out of Vicki’s clutches? And for what exactly is gun-toting Peggy over-compensating?
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