The Real Housewives of New York City recap: The Class-less System

What was that sound? That shrill, grating voice that, when not shouting “Babby,” is lamenting about ended friendships and “pinotpolar” Ramona? That voice that greeted the gaggle of Housewives on Scary Island and inspired only terror not excitement? That was Jill, who was back from Australia. (Real Housewives expert Karen Valby, however, will be back next week.)

She met Kelly, LuAnn, and Sonja for lunch—and brought gifts! As she doled out the miniature koalas—which are absolutely not going to be attached to their Chanel bags as per Jill’s recommendation—LuAnn looked on half-bemused, half disdainful. “That is so sweet,” she murmured, probably wondering, “But dahling, what shall I ever do with this rodent?”

And despite Jill’s vow to not gossip anymore, she was practically chomping at the bit to get in on the action. First things first: Ramona. The gals filled Jill on everything that had gone down: Ramona, Quogue, pinot grigo, drunk text, pinot grigio, pinot grigio. Oh, also: pinot grigio. “Ramona brings grown women to tears,” Jill finally said. “She leaves dead bodies everywhere!” You can’t totally blame Jill for diving back into the dish. Ramona’s lifeline may be pinot grigo; Jill’s happens to be gossip.

At the lunch, Kelly rehashed the story of Ramona’s drunk text, which she had elevated to “threat” status. Oh, Kelly. Always attacked. But of course she spun it away from herself and onto Ramona, explaining that, in fact, she was just “concerned” about Ramona. If you’ll remember, Kelly isn’t about drama. She’s about happiness and friends and love and life and cartwheels and running through traffic on 5th Avenue. To save her faux friend, Kelly scheduled a lunch with Ramona.

“Not so fast!” the other girls said. Did Kelly even know what she was getting into? Clearly not, so Sonja did her best Ramona impression, which was quite possibly the best thing about last night’s episode, if not the entire season so far. The impression was snippy, entitled, and filled with constant misunderstanding of other people’s thoughts—it was perfection. But it also made Sonja’s Ramona-worship later in the episode all the more creepy. Hello, Bravo spin off!

Pan to a far away land called Brooklyn. Poor Francois and Johan Van Kempen. Not only are they forced to speak non-native French and watch as their father steps out of the house in this, but now Alex wanted her eldest to play piano for him while she cooked. And so Alex and Simon gifted him with a piano—one that also fit with the décor, natch—for his birthday. You could be a part of the New York Young Arts Blah Bitty Blah, Alex said excitedly. A less than enthused Francois seemed more preoccupied with touching mommy’s face. These poor Housewives children—from Francois and Avery to Sea and Teddy—never look happy. Though, if I had to eat Kelly’s Bisquick apple pie, I’d probably be sad, too.

NEXT: Sonja brings two people together and brings down another.

We learned last week that Sonja is such an icebreaker, so of course she would come to lunch with Ramona and Kelly. After all, it was her idea to arrange a surprise meeting for the two of them last week, and since Cindy stomped all over this idea, she wasn’t about to let anything meddle with her own meddling. For most of lunch, Sonja beamed, brushing off her shoulders for the fine job she did in bringing these two crazy ladies back together. After all, crazy belongs with crazy, no? But in reality, Kelly and Ramona did all the talking. Kelly anointed herself the Keeper of the Friends; it was her job to make sure all these fake Housewives friends at least tried to be real friends. Quasi-friends don’t make the cut. Surprisingly, Ramona was receptive and even copped to her 1:30 a.m. text, calling it immature. Whee! Sonja squealed. She knew Ramona and Kelly could be the best of friends, and she was so glad to have orchestrated it. Take that, Cindy!

But oh yes, Cindy. Sonja wouldn’t let the little snitch get off that easily. Madame Morgan invited Madam Barshop over for a brutal takedown tea. But before the tea was sipped, Cindy just had to indulge in a little dancing with Sonja’s intern/assistant/butler/hired help who was actually a dancer. This was not a good start, Sonja thought. “This is not what one does when one comes to someone’s home with their staff,” she chided Cindy. First the Ramona impression and now embodying the essence of LuAnn? Sonja is a veritable chameleon.

Cindy told Kelly not to bring her kids to Sonja’s party, but she never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever said Ramona would be there. Cut to the clip of Cindy saying Ramona would be there. Cut to later at the reunion when the too-normal-for-Housewives Cindy says it was an honest mistake. (I echo Karen’s sentiments; Cindy is much too even-keeled for this group. Bethenny was a voice of reason, but at least we had her type-A neuroses and one-liners to keep us going.) Sonja simply shot back that Cindy ruined her plans to reunite Ramona and Kelly. But it wasn’t just about ruined plans; it was also about the pinot grigio. Again with the pinot grigio!

With “years of experience in the worlds of society” under her Hermes bet, Sonja told Cindy that there is a pecking order and “Ramona Singer is a star.” To not have pinot grigio waiting for Ramona at the party was absurd, unthinkable, and downright blasphemy. “You’re a lovely girl,” Sonja said condescendingly. Sonja used to be filled with joie de vivre, usually fueled by alcohol and men. Now she is just plain mean. Jill pointed out later in the episode that Sonja and Ramona were picking up each other’s worst qualities. So true. Luxury may have a taste for you, Sonja, but I most certainly do not!

NEXT: Two showdowns, four women.

Off in Ramona land, our pinot-loving business woman was holding an event for her True Faith jewelry line because when she isn’t telling it like it is or walking down runways, she’s hawking her skincare/jewelry/pinot line. She wanted to make it a Mary Kay-style venture, but LuAnn wasn’t having any of it. “It’s very nice,” the coun-tess said. “It’s just not for me.” There was some back and forth about Ramona’s mispronunciation of her Italian vineyard’s name, and it was like salt to LuAnn’s countess wounds.

Seeing as how there was pinot grigio at the event (duh!), it was a fine time to bring up pinot-gate once again. Ramona still didn’t understand the lack of pinot at Cindy’s party. Was it so hard to understand? She doesn’t do champagne! And the text! The text! The text was living technological proof that there would be pinot. And what was so wrong with confronting Howie at Cindy’s birthday? she wondered.

In between putting Cindy down and worshiping at the altar of Ramona Singer, Sonja found time to pose for the ASPCA in a slutty girl’s baseball Halloween costume and throw her much-anticipated toaster oven party. Hmm…a segment on toaster ovens—a definite point for the “This season isn’t good” team.

But then we got two simultaneous confrontations: Jill vs. Alex and Ramona vs. Cindy. Post-Australia, Jill wanted to let bygones be bygones, and so she trudged down to Brooklyn (thank goodness it wasn’t Quogue!) to make amends. Jill was nervous and clearly trying hard, but Alex was less than sympathetic. How could she trust the woman who called her children “animals”? But just to end the whole awkward meet-up, Alex indulged Jill in her little ‘tween exercise of writing down their negative thoughts about each other and burning them at the grill. The smoke reeked of Cynthia’s friendship contract on The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Meanwhile, Ramona waited for Cindy at the restaurant, and even the waiter knew to offer Ramona pinot grigio. If only Cindy were there to witness that all humans—not just Housewives—worship at the Ramona Singer altar. But perhaps Ramona is some other worldly creature because, man, those eyes! We’ve seen the power they yield at fashion shows, but at restaurants, this was a whole other ball game. Cindy was blinded by Ramona’s piercing, bulging eyes and could barely get a word out about her birthday party. Ramona, on the other hand, did manage to get a word in….about her 18-year marriage? She is so in love with Mario that attending anything less than a grown-ups party was something to scoff at. Non-sequitur argument? You betcha.

Next week, Sonja forgets her petticoat (seriously, what is up with her lately?), Ramona attacks Jill and the two get rather verklempt. What did you guys think of the episode? Have you started to turn on Sonja as I have? Do you think Kelly and Ramona will stay civil? And how much can we bet that Sonja is boinking her dancer butler?